A little bit of a Christmas Miracle....

This morning I walked into a happy chaos of second graders and gingerbread houses.  Parents and kids finishing up their sweet creations, some covered head to toe in icing.  It took a minute for me to even find him, but then I saw him and called his name.  He looked up with such happiness in his eyes. He ran over and hugged me, not knowing I was coming to see his Gingerbread play.  He was genuinely happy I was there.  He is a happy kid.  He is a sweet kid.  I know this.  I knew he would be happy to see me, but once again, as he has in the past months, he had this profound effect on me.  As I sat and watched him sing along to his gingerbread songs tears came to my eyes.  I am in awe that he sits before me so perfectly seven and a half years old.  So happy to be wherever he is, so full of life and so full of love.  It is like watching our little Christmas miracle. 

Five months ago this same child sat sick in a hospital.  Diagnosed with a horrible illness that our family has only known as a death sentence.  At that point none of us were sure what was going to happen.  We had hope, we had prayer, but we had fear.  Seeing him now is like seeing our own miracle.  I can't help but to look at him and see that he realizes this too.  This is a little boy who loves life.  He is the most caring boy I have ever met and would do anything to make you smile.  He is funny, he is compassionate and he is so smart.  It seems that this Christmas as we are thankful for all of those we love around us, I will once again find myself giving him a few extra hugs.  Because I am quite certain he is a miracle that we have been blessed with this season. 

Team B&B

When Love is meant to be
there is a look in your eyes
there is a skip in your step
there is a spark that illuminates you

when love is meant to be
it doesn't seem to matter
how long you have waited
to find your perfect match
because you always knew
they were out there
abiding to complete you 

 it seems that now you have
found one another
it is clear
you were always
meant to be
destined to be
written in the stars
dreamt into reality

 it doesn't seem to matter
where you go from here
because no matter
where forever leads
you will always be
together

How many times is "Over and Over Again"

According to Albert Einstein, Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.  As I sit and stew in my own thoughts of the future, of the future of our family, this old quote keeps flooding my mind.  I know how blessed I am.  I have been so lucky to have two beautiful, healthy, smart, sweet and on and on and on....children to raise and to love.  I know that things with Wyatt happened as easily as they did, because they were meant to.  I know that life has been really hard at times and wonderfully easy at times.
 Looking back I can see how the whole story unfolded into the wonderful life we live now.  But, being on the other end of it is not so simple.  Trying to see where we are headed.  What is "meant to be".  I know this drives TJ nuts, why can't I just leave well enough alone.  We have everything we need.  We have a wonderful complete family.  But, how do you know when your family is complete? I struggle with the thought of no more babies.  No more little ones.  Then in the same thought I am so happy that we are so settled together.  That there are no babies eating every 2 hours at night, crying when they are hungry and diapers to change.  We have come into this happy place that we are in through a long road.   This is the part where you can go somewhere last minute on a whim.  Where your kids are somewhat self sufficient and can play together and on their own.  Where you can leave them for a few minutes without fearing they will hurt themselves. 
But, then I come back to the what ifs.   What if I hadn't looked and found Wyatt? What if I hadn't moved forward in trying to get him?  What if I got pregnant again?  What if the baby could be healthy? What if we were meant to try again? This is where Albert Einstein comes into play....how many times is "over and over again"? In our case it would be 3 times in a row with the same result.  But, could time and space help us here? Would there be a possibility that I could carry and give birth to a healthy baby?
It seems like right now everyone around me is either pregnant or has a baby.  Baby fever is a normal thing for Mom's, but where would it lead me? It has been 4 years of healing since Connor.  We are in a great place right now.  If I were to get pregnant and the baby did have Anencephaly we would be back to that awful place.  Back to those feelings we have worked through for years.  Back to the pain.  This time around it would be different too, because the kids would understand.  Anna was only 3 with Connor.  Now she is almost 7 and Wyatt is almost 5.  They understand the concept of having a baby.  Of bringing the baby home.  But, what if the baby was healthy.  What if this whole "plan" was to have Wyatt be our son in between our 2 birth children? What if I had a healthy baby, I had Anna, it could happen, right?
This is the mess that goes on in my head before I fall asleep at night.  I have tried to research the recurrence of Anencephaly and most people (everyone else I know!!) have gone on to have more healthy babies....but now I am in the realm of more than 1.  I have already had 2 babies with it and a miscarriage.  So are my chances worth the risk? There are no guarantees in life.  Not in adoption.  Not in giving birth.  Not in life. 
It is times like these I am waiting for some kind of sign.  Something to tell me which path to follow and where it will lead me.  Then it seems like I take everything as a sign of some sort!
As I sat with my sister this morning and had this very discussion my phone rang.  It was my Ob/Gyn calling to set up my appointment.  I have been going to this doctor for 15 years and they have never called me to set up my appointment.  Sign? Coincidence? Maybe just God getting a giggle out of seeing me squirm.  I guess no matter what happens in the future I don't have too much of a say.  For now I will enjoy and love each moment with my amazing little family.  If anything is for certain I can tell from experience that God knows what He is doing.  It is just all in His time. 

Elf Envy

By this point I think everyone is well aware of "The Elf on the Shelf".  We were given ours as a gift from T.J.'s cousin 5 years ago...before it was cool! We hadn't really done much with it until last year.


  Last Christmas the kids named him Chippy and we read the story.  Then we started all of the fun things, Chippy on a date with Cinderella, riding in a rocket ship.  Nothing too big until this year.  My husband has found a new love.  Helping Chippy get into all sorts of mischief.  I am not the one behind any of this.  I am pretty sure he has spent hours at night thinking of what he will do next.  he not only does it, but there are details! The kids are so excited every morning and I have to say so am I.

However, having such an awesome Elf causes for some problems....Elf Envy.
My sister's Elf is not as exciting.  My Nephew,Corey, hears Anna's stories of what Chippy has done each
morning and wonders why Buddy doesn't do something similar.  So in turn, (Hee hee hee) My sister has been forced to put a little more effort than was originally planned into her "elf"! Corey has  helped a bit by setting up dollhouses and cars in hopes that buddy would play along, which he has.

 Each time I post a new Elf picture I can feel my sisters eyes roll a little further back into her head, the little things in life that make me giggle.  This is why we have the relationship that we do now.  She can tell me that my Elf drives her nuts, I can laugh and tell her she has Elf Envy.  Seems Chippy and Buddy have a little rivalry of their own!

Another Mom's thoughts....

I have been blessed to have been a part of an online Literary magazine called Still Standing.  It publishes poems, stories and essays that have been written regarding loss, infertility and adoption.  It has been a wonderful place that I have been able to share a few of my pieces and where I have found comfort in knowing I am never alone in this crazy world that is grieving.  Today I found something written by another Mom.  If I looked inside of myself for words that made more sense and felt more true I don't think I could find them.  So for today I am sharing this Mom's story...this mom's take on d-day, anniversaries, loss and life after.  


http://stillstandingmag.com/2012/12/what-the-anniversaries-look-like-for-baby-loss-moms/