In My Mind -

I have always had a relationship with my brother. I have never met him, I have never talked to him, I have never even been able to see him...other than in a picture. From the time I was very little I had my own ideas of who he was. It is odd to look back now and realize how much that "relationship" helped me in getting to have a similar one with Emma and Connor. Two more very important people in my life that I love, who I never really got to "meet". Grief was a part of growing up for me. Funerals were normal. Heaven and Death were never taboo. In the first 6 years of my life I lost my grandmother, grandfather, cousin, favorite uncle and of course my brother before I was even born. I remember attending funerals. I remember buying new dresses and shoes for each one. I remember being in the little room with the coloring books and crayons at the funeral home with my cousin Susan. Birthdays and holidays were spent decorating graves. Singing happy birthday to a headstone rather than to a person. The same way we celebrate Emma and Connor's holidays and birthdays now. I remember thinking when Emma was born that I would be able to help Anna in dealing with having a sibling she had never met in Heaven. I have had that situation my entire life. Ten years ago I started writing poetry for Mikey. Just as I write now it was my therapy then as well. I thought I would share one today...



Written Spring 2001

In my mind you're tall
Sandy blonde hair like me
and hazel eyes like dad
you play baseball and the guitar
and you always annoy me playing
the Sarah song
you know I hate
you have a tiny scar on your lip
from falling off your bike when you were six
but no one notices but you
you looked so great
walking down the aisle in sis's wedding
but we couldn't talk Brian into making you
best man
you love to write
just like me
you've always wanted to teach
I 've loved to write all of my life
but I have always wanted to
be like you
Sis and I loved it when you played with us
you brought the age difference to a close
your smile always made us laugh
and your stories put us to sleep