Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Thirty One Year Old Rainbow

Well, today is my birthday. To be honest this morning I was so focused on the importance of it being Anna's first day of Kindergarten that I didn't even think about it. As the day progressed and school was over a few thoughts crossed my mind. Of course on each of your children's birthdays you think of their birth. The story, the labor, the weather, the feelings that came with it on that day and each year after. This was the first year I thought of my own birth that way. I have to admit that this year, post losing Austin, every thought I have is different. This year I realized my birth was more than just average. I have always known I was a "miracle". Being born after a reversed vasectomy in 1980 wasn't a normal occurence. Being born 3 weeks late and perfectly healthy wasn't always seen then either. But, it wasn't until today that I realized I am a Rainbow baby. For those mom's who have lost a child, they probably know what this is, but for everyone else....
"Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.
I was born less than 2 years after my brother passed away. My mom has told me that her pregnancy with me is part of what helped her heal a little and kept her going. It is odd 31 years later to see myself as an adult that is a Rainbow baby! It is a good feeling as well. To think I never realized what I did for my mom and dad 31 years ago today, I only hope that they know how much they have given me in return.

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