Tuesday, November 22, 2011

so much to be thankful for

Here I go again. It is one of our milestones, one of the big ones. Thanksgiving brings me such mixed emotions I could sit and stew in my thoughts. I have such happy memories, terrible memories, and a complete lack of memories for certain things. As many dates and days as we have had that are important in our lives. Thanksgiving is a biggie.
I think a few of the things that drive me the craziest are the memories that won't leave. Those moments where you would like to not remember each and every detail, sound, movement as if it were minutes ago instead of years. I still remember holding the ultrasound pictures of Sydney and Connor on Thanksgiving night. My Mother and sister assuring me I was just worrying too much and seeing things that weren't there. I knew. I knew all along. I saw the difference in their pictures. I worried for myself for the same reason I never worried for my sister. Because I knew. I remember running to the bathroom crying unable to contain my fear. I remember the phone call the next day from the doctor confirming my worst nightmare. I remember throwing myself to the ground and screaming in my front yard as my mom pulled in the driveway. I remember for the only time that I have ever said it, repeating over and over again, "why me, why this baby, what did I do, this is not fair".
Then the memories stop for awhile. I don't remember that Christmas, New Years, Anna's birthday and so many other things following that phone call. How I wish I could hold on to the memories of spending time with Connor. As time goes on I know I am forgetting him and I hate that. I can no longer remember certain parts of that day, yet these Thanksgiving thoughts and the real true "black Friday" won't leave. I guess that is how it works. If we only remembered the good things we may never truly appreciate them.
As I have been "working" my way through this week I have noticed people have been listing what they are Thankful for recently. Each day saying something specific they are thankful for. Each day I am sure there is something a little new that I am thankful for, but to be honest, I have thanked God everyday for all that we have been given. For years before I even realized what I was thanking him for. For prayers that have been answered and prayers that have gone unanswered.
It still amazes me to look at the timeline of events in my life between Thanksgiving 2008 and Thanksgiving 2009. I went from realizing my greatest fear at to realizing one of my greatest joys at the next turn. I often think of how life could have been, would have been, should have been if I had been able to continue delivering healthy babies. T.J. and I talked the other night about it. I asked him if we had ever even had the discussion while dating about how many kids we wanted. I guess we hadn't because he wanted 2 and I wanted 4. I sat there for a second and I realized, we both got what we wanted. We have 2 babies here to care for, to cuddle and to try and corral. We have 2 babies in Heaven. Four kids for me, while at the same time 2 for T.J. . so much to be thankful for......seems He listens even when we aren't asking out loud.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Veteran's Day

It is Veteran's Day. As a child I can't say that I really understood the importance of this day. Now, today I feel like I have been given a wealth of knowledge on the importance of our Veteran's and current soldiers. I have been honored to watch my Dad become active in the Delhi Veterans Association (http://www.delhiveterans.com/). I have been able to hear his stories and pass them on to my children. I have watched him share in the camaraderie that each person in the military has with one another. I remember hearing when I was little how terrible coming home from Vietnam was. No warm reception, no parades, nothing from the people who they were protecting. Protesting and negative attitudes from people who really had no clue. I am so glad that my Dad and his fellow Vietnam Veterans are able to live in a time, now, where they can not only be proud of their accomplishments, but share them and have people say Thank You. My children will always know that their Papa is a Hero. They will know that each Sailor, Soldier, Airman, Coast Guardsman and Marine is a Hero. That they fight for our Freedom and our way of life in America. Most of all they will know that Papa is a proud Veteran of the US Navy and that I am a proud Daughter of a Vietnam Veteran.

Thank You to each and every Man and Woman who have served our country in the past and those who are currently serving.

"The soldier above all others prays for peace, for it is the soldier who must suffer and bear the deepest wounds and scars of war". General Douglas MacArthur

Friday, November 4, 2011

Praying For Ali

For the past few months I have been following the story of a girl who many of my friends graduated with. She was diagnosed with a rare and very serious form of cancer. As I followed her sister's blog and read each day on Facebook as people prayed for her, I couldn't help but be touched by her story. Her name was Ali. Last night she lost her battle. I have followed Ali's story and I am, somehow, a complete stranger feeling such grief for her family, for her life. Her sister has helped share her story on her blog and this post is by far the most touching thing I have ever read. It brought more than tears to my eyes, but had me wiping my face to read on. She has been able to tell her sister's story in the raw and letting Ali's personality and love shine through. Since most of my writing has been brought forward regarding grief, I felt it was only right to share this amazing tribute to a beautiful woman who left this Earth way too soon. Please say a prayer for Ali's family tonight and take a moment to read her sister's post.