Choo choo.....

Today as part of my Birthday Week celebration, I decided I wanted us to go on a train ride. Wyatt loves choo choos and talks about going on a big choo choo about everyday. This was my birthday gift to him! Anna loves it as well and today we went to see Clifford the Big Red Dog. We had a great family day together and enjoyed our 3rd ride on the Lebanon Mason Monroe Railroad. As T.J. and I sat and talked about the previous two trips on the polar express here at Christmas time, we reminisced on our first ride. We had just met Wyatt. He was only 18 months old and Anna was just over 3 1/2. We didn't even know each other at that point. In fact we had to call and get him a ticket, because we had made the reservations before we knew he was ours! We took that train ride the first weekend of our extended visit before he was permanently placed. Before we even knew how much he loved trains.
Today we went with the full knowledge of how much it meant to him and to Anna to see her brother smile. Today while we were chugging down the line, T.J. took a picture of the kids and I. As soon as I saw it, I smiled. It is almost the exact same shot he took nearly 2 years ago. Sometimes when life is going along it is nice to have a little reminder of where you have come from...

What once was

We can try for the most part
to think of most days
as a gift
as a blessing
without the pain
of what should have been
but, certain days
no matter
how well prepared
no matter
what we have planned
will never again
be as they should
will never again
bring the joy they once did
a day like today
once brought new life
once changed lives forever
now brings a memory
a tear and a smile
what should have been
what could have been
has now become
what once was


Happy 5th Birthday, Austin. I am sure you are having quite the party in Heaven today with Jesus by your side. Tractor rides for everyone and bouncy houses made of clouds. We love you and miss you everyday!

no drumsticks for this quirky girl....

Tonight T.J., the kids and I decided we wanted to make ice cream sundaes. I told T.J. I would run up and get the ice cream at Krogers. His response was "Why don't you just go to UDF?" simple question really. It is closer, it is more convenient and I would have saved myself 15 minutes, but I can't go. The truth is I haven't been to UDF in almost 9 months. The last time I went was the night Austin died. I can still picture the ice cream on the table as I answered that phone call. See it dripping to the ground when we came back home that night. It may be superstitious, silly or just dumb, but I will never run up and get ice cream at UDF again.
I know there are so many things about me that T.J. will never understand, no matter how well he knows me. The UDF thing is just like so many others that I have grown up with. The reason why I threw away the sweater I realized I had worn to both Emma and Connor's funerals....I would never want to be able to wear it again, God forbid. Or the reason why I have never owned nor used a large glass measuring cup. My brother got sick in one just like it the night he got sick before he died. The same reason why I have never eaten (nor have my children ever eaten) a drumstick...the last thing Mikey ate that night. I know it may seem odd, we all know that me going to UDF, Mikey eating a drumstick or my sweater did not cause the series of events that preceded or followed, but it is just the thought.
Grief is such a process. There are so many things we have no control over, especially when dealing with grief. These little superstitions are a way to make me feel like I am doing something. I have spent the last 30 years and 11 months fully aware that I wasn't allowed to have drumsticks and I have never seen a problem with that! I don't think I have missed out on much with one ice cream cone on my list of no's! A few have been passed down from my Grandmother and coined as "bad luck", some from my mom and others have been created in my own head, but all of these things are a part of who I am. I have thrown clothes away, stopped buying specific groceries and even gone different ways to get somewhere because of this. How we deal with our grief makes us who we are. I guess when you speak nicely of someone we would call these traits quirks! Quirky....maybe that is what I am....

July 28.......

Three years ago today, should have been my due date with Emma. In everything that I have done to help myself heal over the past 3 1/2 years this is still a day that stings. I guess I have learned alot about myself, about life, about being a parent over these 3 years. Still I think that Emma has taught me the biggest lessons about love. I love you sweet Emma Jean. This day 3 years ago was the day when I think I started to heal. Today I thought I would post a poem I wrote for her on that day....


Here we are
we have made it to this day
a few months ago
I thought
it would never come
yet here we are
you in your place
in Heaven
me in my place
on Earth
I held you
for awhile in my body
I will hold you
forever in my heart
regardless of how
mommy wants it to be
no matter how much it hurts
this is it
this is where we are

three little words....

If you have ever been around my family, my immediate family that I grew up in as well as my family now, you know we are huggers. In fact I can pretty much bet that if you are a friend of mine and have ever even met my dad he has given you a hug! We like to bring people into our homes, welcome them with open arms, make them something to eat, make sure they are comfortable and enjoying themselves. It is just the way things are. I have loved growing up in a family like this. We hug each time we see each other, never miss a chance to say I love you, never. There is one exception to this, Aunt Jean. She has been at every party and has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. She was the person who watched me when mom and dad (seldomly) went out, the person who remembered every birthday, anniversary and so on, she is the closest thing I can ever remember having to a grandparent. She is even the namesake for my Emma Jean. I have to admit that tonight something happened that has never happened before. Maybe it is age, maybe it is the realization of how much things are changing, but it happened.
Tonight we celebrated my sister's birthday. It was perfect with her family, our family, mom and dad and Aunt Jean. It has been a few weeks since we have seen Aunt Jean. She recently moved into Western Hills Retirement home. Between Alzheimer's and moving at 85 years old she has had a really tough time. My mom has been over so many times helping her to try and adjust, calling everyday and being the support she needs. The kids and I planned on going over last week, but it was a bit too soon. Tonight we picked her up for the party. We talked about her new "home" on the way to the party. The activities they have, how the kids have been etc. We had a nice time at mom's for the party and when it was time to go she was proud she remembered where I had put her keys. On the way back she said many times how wonderful the kids are. How much she has missed seeing them and how big they are. I told her we could all come and see her for brunch, now that she is settling in to her new routine. When we pulled up to drop her off she slowly got out of the car and said goodbye and thank you. She started to walk towards the door and stopped and looked in the window. I opened the door so she could see the kids. She looked at me, then looked at them and said "I love you". This is it. I am almost 31 years old and this is the first time I have heard her say these words. I can't tell you what it meant to me . I have always known that she loved me, but this was new. I am happy that she has gotten to a point in her life, though it may have taken 85 years, where she can say I love you. I am even happier that she said it to the kids and I. Now, if only she can get the courage up to say it to my mom. The little things that children say freely, kept so tight inside of this woman for so long. I bet she was happy when she went to bed tonight, hopefully she will remember, so the next time she won't be so nervous.

Mom of the year over here...

I pride myself on remembering dates. I know the birth dates, anniversaries and other important dates of most everyone around me. If my father in law needs to know, I am the one he calls. T.J. has let that part of his memory completely go since meeting me, because I have always had a handle on it. I usually realize the important days a few days before they happen and do something in some way to let that person know I am thinking of them. I have ordered gifts, sent cards and sent texts. Made phone calls, stopped by homes and visited cemeteries. The reason I started this post out with this info is because....I forgot Wyatt's Adoption Day!! It hit me out of nowhere on my way home today. I am 5 days late. Last Saturday was the day. One year since it was official, one year since I stopped worrying about his future. How is it possible that I forgot!
As I sit here and try to wrap my head around this I can't help but to think it is a good thing. I have kind of forgotten all together that he hasn't always been here. It has been more than half of his life now that he has been a "Caito". For all of the things that swirl around in my head at night his being adopted has not been one of them since a year ago last Saturday. Since that day he has been ours. He is Anna's brother, Mommy's baby and Daddy's boy. I think about his sweet smiling face, the trouble he has gotten into, the funny things he says and the size of his ever growing feet as I lay in bed at night, but never do I think about him being "Adopted". I know so many people that celebrate "Gotcha day". Maybe if I wasn't aware of other peoples celebrations I would have not even known that I missed something big! Last week we went to Meijer and I found a spaceship Wyatt has been wanting. It was on sale so I bought it (along with all of the accessories) and put it away for Christmas. I actually said out loud, I wish I could think of a reason to give it to him now. It was like I subconsciously knew I was forgetting something!
This summer has been busy and so much fun, a trip to the beach, to Disney, swimming, play dates, riding bikes outside and swinging in the backyard. Somehow the month of June has pleasantly slipped away. How lucky am I that I get to have a summer where I am usually unaware of the day of the week, much less the date.
As for last Saturday, Wyatt's gotcha Day, I think he had a fun one. He and I woke up early and snuggled on the couch all morning. Daddy and Anna slept in for a change, so it was just the two of us. Then he stayed with Daddy and played for awhile, grilled out for dinner and went to The McMullen's in the evening. I know he had a fun day. Even better I know he doesn't remember life before he was a Caito. So maybe, we will make it a silent celebration next year too. Maybe I will be enjoying life and my kids too much to even realize it has come and gone. Of all the dates in my life to remember, this was a big one, but I will not feel bad. My hope for Wyatt is that when he lists things about himself as he grows up they will be funny, handsome, smart, loved, sensitive, a little ornery and proud to be a part of his family. Being adopted is something that was in his past, being a Caito is what is in his future.
Right now he is napping. When he wakes up I am going to get into my Christmas gifts and give him his space ship. Like I really needed a reason...we all knew I wouldn't wait until Christmas anyway!

Bug

On Sunday our "Bug" will be 2 years old. It is hard to believe that it was only 2 years ago that we met him. Two years ago that I made so many phone calls for days on end. Two years ago that we made the trips to the NICU in Columbus to meet him and bring him home. Sometimes when I think about the reality of it all I must have been nuts! I know T.J. never thought it was a great idea. He thought it was too soon. Looking back he was so right! I had just carried, given birth and lost Connor a few months before. I still believe that God gave me the strength to take Bug. The desire to have a son was a big part of it, knowing that he was an infant was huge, knowing that he was legal risk, knowing that he had a few problems that were going to be fine. I am not sure what exactly I thought, how exactly I talked T.J. into this huge life changing event so shortly after our last life changing event. I still remember holding him for the first time. Feeling him breathe. Seeing the babies around him in the NICU that were so sick and fragile. I immediately loved him. Bringing him home was so much harder than I expected. Everything that was meant for Connor was now Bug's. Clothing passed down, cribs, swings. The reality made me physically ill when we walked in the door. Over a few hours all of this changed. He was home and he was a part of our family. Being able to spend a month (though it seemed so much longer) with him and Anna was amazing. T.J. and I still talk about how little that boy slept. I think maybe 2 hours a night for the entire time he was with us! WE were able to spend every hour together and share Bug with our families and friends. He was showered with love and gifts from everyone we knew. We spent days at Grandma's enjoying the sun and evenings snuggling and getting to know each other. It wasn't until I spent days at the hospital for testing and procedures and his Nephrology appointment that our world came crashing down. That was when we found out his kidneys were not good. That is when they told us that he needed to be cathed every 3 hours for life. He would probably need a kidney transplant in his childhood. That is when the reality once again set in. No one saw this coming. This was one of the hardest choices I have ever made. I am a woman who had induced a dying baby at 21 weeks and a woman who carried a dying baby to term. I had made awful choices before. Choices that did not have the end I wanted no matter what I chose. I was lost. How could I do this to my family, to myself. How could we even begin to think about this. T.J. had just lost one son and now were might lose another. I knew in my heart what we had to do. I knew it was purely selfish if I kept him with us. I would have done it because I was afraid to lose him. But, I knew for Anna and for T.J. and deep down, for myself, that we couldn't. The doctors appointments, the tests, the medical needs he now had. He was not going to just need antibiotics anymore. He might need an organ transplant. He needed a family who was able to care for his needs better than we were. I have turned to God many times in my life. This time I actually fell to my knees and asked Him what I should do. How could I possibly make this choice? How could I ever let him go? This is one of those times when you see God's answers in His actions. When we made our decision there was no one to take him. Our adoption worker put his paperwork in and we were afraid with his needs it would take awhile. We were willing to keep him until they found a great home. But, how could any home be as great as ours? We were his family, this was his home! Then we got the call. They had found someone. A young family who was not only able, but eager and excited, to take Bug. Mom was in nursing school, they had other kids with special needs. Within days I had set up our first meeting myself. I knew immediately that this was his family. I saw the love in his Mother's eyes from the second she held him. I asked her to go to his next doctors appointment with us the next day and then we had our last weekend as a family. Monday morning he was gone. I wasn't sure what to expect. His mom and dad told me they would keep in touch, but you really never know. We were able to see him again the next month at his sister's adoption party and have since been able to be a part of his life. Anna and I have not only been able to watch him grow, but we were there to watch his adoption become official last Fall. We are able to be a part of his life and he is still a huge part of our family, as is his family who we have grown to love as much as we love Bug. This little boy has had quite a life in the last 2 years. He is growing into a smart little boy with a fabulous smile and a huge heart of gold. I am so blessed that he stepped into my life. I am so happy that even though it seemed hard at the time, that he has made the imprint on my heart that he has. As of his latest appointments, his kidney's are improving! Something the doctor is stumped by, because it isn't possible, but his Mother told the doctor that all is possible with Prayer. Every time he gets a little better, every choice someone has made to get him where he is today, all of this is just a little reason why I pray. God's love can be shown anywhere, here in a little boy who spent his mother's pregnancy in jail and was born with no one to visit him in the NICU. He is an inspiration to me and to my family. He has shown us that love has no color and that God does have a plan, even if we don't understand it right away. Here is to a year of love and laughter for this amazing boy we love so much! Happy Birthday Bug!