Conversations with Wy

Today we were driving home from school and wy looked up in the sky. He said I wish I could fly. I asked him like a bird or a plane? He said no like a Human. I laughed. He continued, like a human who has shoes with fire and I can fly up and up. Oh, I said, like a super hero; like turbo man? Yes like a superhero. So I asked him what he would do if he could fly. He said I would fly all the way up and get Austin and then I would bring him back down to Aiden. That would be a great idea Wy, he would love that. Oh the thoughts this little one has...

Another Day....

It's  been days
it's been weeks
in a few days
it will be years
sometimes it seems
like it was a lifetime ago
sometimes it feels
like time has stood still
she feels the fear
that she felt walking towards him
he hears his own words
ringing in his ears
of all of the memories
that fade in time
these pictures
these moments
play on repeat
over and over again
nothing ever changes
he never gets to stay
each day they try to smile
for the one that
they hold here
for the hope
she carries within her
but when time catches up
when that day
draws near
there is nothing
nothing they can do
relive the moments
relive the nightmare
and know this time
from experience
they will make it
another day....

Goosebumps and tissues

Sometimes in life, in grief, there are these moments that cover your body in goosebumps.  Most of them are in a good way, as if you know there is a greater meaning, a bigger picture that you just haven't been far enough away to see yet.  With Austin this is something that seems to happen a lot.
When Austin passed away the nurse at the hospital was a childhood friend of his Mom and I's.  We have known her forever, since elementary school, and she was the nurse on duty, in the ER the night of the accident.  Since then she and Austin's Mom have been closer.  Not only was she there and witnessed this horrific tragedy, but she has sons of her own.
Tonight as I was checking Facebook I saw she had written Austin's mom a little note.  About how she was thinking of them and a song came on.  Usually there are songs that make you feel a certain way, but this one made my stomach flip.  As I pulled up the lyrics it made my whole body get goosebumps.  It made me eyes well up.  It was as if they knew Austin's story.  As it turns out it was about a little boy who had cancer, but regardless of the tragedy, the outcome was the same. 

http://youtu.be/0J2OF1S3iSI
Here are the lyrics -
Ronan - Taylor Swift

I remember your bare feet down the hallway
I remember your little laugh
Race cars on the kitchen floor
Plastic dinosaurs, I love you to the moon and back

I remember your blue eyes looking into mine like we had our own
secret club
I remember you dancing before bed time then jumping on me waking
me up
I can still feel you hold my hand
Little man, from even that moment I knew
You fought it hard like an army guy
Remember I leaned in and whispered to you

Chorus:
Come on baby with me
We're gonna fly away from here
You were my best four years

I remember the drive home when the blind hope
Turned to crying and screaming, "Why?"
Flowers piled up in the worst way
No one knows what to say about a beautiful boy who died

And it's about to be Halloween
You could be anything you wanted if you were still here
I remember the last day when I kissed your face
I whispered in your ear

Come on baby with me
We're gonna fly away from here
Out of this curtained room in this hospital
We'll just disappear
Come on baby with me
We're gonna fly away from here
You were my best four years

What if I'm standing in your closet trying to talk to you?
What if I kept the hand me downs you won't grow into?
And what if I really thought some miracle would see us through?
But what if the miracle was even getting one moment with you

Come on baby with me
We're gonna fly away from here
Come on baby with me
We're gonna fly away from here
You were my best four years

I remember your bare feet down the hallway
I love you to the moon and back

32 years out

Last week was the Anniversary of my brother's death.  He has been gone for 34 years.  As I sat and talked with Austin's mom about this I couldn't help but think of where they were at, as compared to my parents.  From there we talked about where my parents were at 2 years out, 32 years ago.  The thought then came to my mind, I am 32.  My birthday is near the end of August, well at 2 years out they had a newborn.  Fresh home from the hospital, such a wonderful time.  But, I hadn't really thought about the timing.

As I talked to my mom the next day about this she said, it was the lowest point in my life.  Lowest point in her life!?  Yes, you see when I was just 3 days old I went back to the hospital.  When I was brought home I was seemingly fine.  My dad went back to work on a Friday and my mom was home with me.  She noticed I was twitching.  My hands and feet at the same time as if it were clockwork.  She took me to the doctor, the same doctor she took my brother to on a Friday.  They too saw what was happening and told her they needed to call the lifesquad.  The last time they called the lifesquad my brother was sent to the hospital from the same office.  She refused transport, knowing where it had led 2 years prior and my Aunt Cindy drove us to the hospital.  From there I was admitted.  I spent 15 days in the intensive care unit.  At some point in this stay I had numerous spinal taps, as they looked for Spinal Menengeitis.  The same thing that took my brother's life.  On the 2 year anniversary of his death.  My parents were in the same hospital with their newborn, being tested for the very thing that killed him.

As I sat and listened to her I was in awe.  I have heard the story of my hospital stay, I knew what had happened, but never had I realized it was this sick twisted timing.   In the end - as you have guessed - I was okay.  I had very low calcium that had caused me to seize.  Special formula and hundreds of blood tests to keep track of it were the only thing I needed.  But, what my parents went through is unbelievable to me.

As we sat and sipped our McDonald's coffee, just the two of us, I looked at her and said how is it only your body that has fallen apart!? This woman has been through so much, yet can sit and tell me my story, the one that brought us to where we are.  The one that helped to form who I am and who I want to be.  Sometimes we forget what exactly has happened to bring us where we are.  Having Austin's family has brought back so many memories for my family.  Watching them has not only been hard, but opened so many windows into the memories they have.  It has been a blessing in so many ways, for Austin's family and for my parents. And for me to be able to be on the outside looking in at these 4 people, who I love, respect and admire more than anyone, living this eternal nightmare.  I often wonder how we all ended up together in this.  I know it was more than coincidence. 

And to top it off....
The other night we had Mom and Dad's 40th Anniversary party, through it all they are still standing, still together and still smiling.  Austin's family came to that party and I am pretty sure that in 32 years they will be right there. Eerily enough in 32 years they will have been married for 40 years......

When him was a boy...

Tonight we sat around Grandma's kitchen table and all 5 littles painted canvas.  As the artistic chaos ensued everyone ended up painting in their bare bellies to save their shirts.  Anna sat next to Mom and painted away and after a few coats each my sister took the bears up for a bath.  Anna told my mom how one time she got to where Austin's jammies.  Jammies from "when him was a boy, cause him is an Angel now".  As mom repeated the words to me, so I could enjoy the innocence behind them, both of our eyes filled up with tears.  From when him was a boy.  Such truth behind her comment, no question of anything, just stating a fact really.  From when him was a boy, cause him is an angel now.

Mom's Day

Last night I had the privilege of reading a card my mom wrote to Austin's mom for Mother's Day.  It was written from one grieving mother to another, about one of the hardest days for moms like us.  In it was written that each Mother's Day mom always felt more focused on Mikey than she was on Sis and I, and that she hoped we never felt that.  As I look back and I think about it I never felt like the focus was on anything other than Sis and I.  I remember always feeling like the center of the world and as if I was loved completely every second.
I know when my mom reflects back on her life she is always worried that I remember her as being sick, but I don't.  I know she was.  I remember her battling with menaires disease and walking with a cane because her vertigo was so bad, but it never defined her.  I remember her going from hospital to hospital and doctor to doctor for test after test trying to figure out what was wrong with her, but I never remember her acting like anything was wrong with her!! Sis and I were still her world.  She was happy.  She has struggled through the loss of her son, me being a sick infant in the hospital, losing both of her parents at the age of 35, yet everyone who knows her can only describe her as happy, outgoing, sweet and (maybe as the rest of the cox women) a little loud! 
I can't imagine having a better childhood than I had.  My mom and dad gave me everything I could ever ask for, we may not have had numerous pairs of guess jeans, but we were happy and loved and my parents were always involved in our lives.  Dad was my soccer coach and mom the PTA president.  They were there for our friends when they needed love and support and for us at every turn.  They have donated their time and their talents to everything from dad dressing up like a lady for the mom's soccer game to them cooking a steak dinner for 25 of my closest friends on prom night.  I know how lucky I am to have amazing parents and my goal in life is for my kids to grow up feeling the love I felt.
Today it is hard to see Mom feeling how she is.  She has been in pain for the past 2 years, dealing with a diagnosis of fibromyalgia and then finding out her arthritis has become so severe she needs a double hip replacement - I could really knock the idiot doctor who let this go so long out!  She has been trying to figure out how to balance all of this pain with her life of being "Mom"~  Active, happy, always going and helping everyone around her.  We are so used to mom being the one to go to, the one to turn to and lean on.  Now this Mother's Day as she waits for her doctors appointment (10 days and counting) we pray that she can get into surgery fast and get her new hips - and that this can fix her pain.  As many things as mom has been through she has always stayed positive.  She has been a pillar of strength and as much as she tries to be now, sometimes the physical pain is too much to be strong.  I am trying to learn how to be a support for her, but it is hard! Moms are Mom!!! They can do anything, and they are our everything.  Seeing your mom unable to do the things she wants to and in debilitating pain is scary and sad.  I am so thankful that she has the attitude and perseverance that she does and I pray that these traits (as well as Dad, Sis and I - and the kids) will help the next 10 days pass by fast and get her into the doctors office and get her surgery date set!!! Get her hips fixed and get her back to best self!! Hoping every Mommy out there can find a little peace and fun in their Mother's Day tomorrow! Praying my Mom can find a little in the day as well.  Happy Mother's Day to all of the moms out there...especially the best mom ever....mine!

The sight of a sock...

Yesterday I asked Wyatt to get himself a pair of socks . He came back, socks in hand and the pair he picked sent my mind spinning. A pair of black and gray socks. A pair of socks that were so similar to a pair I saw almost a year ago. The socks Austin was wearing the day he died. I will never forget that day, the moments before the phone call, the sound of his Aunt's voice, the moments after and the the hours and days that followed. They are somehow permanently ingrained in my mind. Visually at the forefront of my mind at the drop of a hat, or should I say the sight of a sock. I can't tell you how often I see those socks in my head. That was the part of him I stood by, staring in disbelief. Touching his toes, hoping he would jerk to kick me. If I could draw I am quite certain I could do a court room sketch of everything surrounding him. The people, the faces and the utter shock. I can't begin to imagine what his parents go through. As much as I try to be there and to understand a little, I pray I never know what they are feeling. We are at the grief season for Austin's family. These are the days that they spent together. This was his time of year. Playing outside, dressing as a farmer and visiting the farm and the zoo. This time last year was a wonderful time. This year it still seems to leave me asking, is this for real? There is not a moment that passes in my day that I do not think of him, his mom or his dad. Simple things like Wyatt doing something crazy, preschool, fall leaves, a John Deere tractor, a chuggington train, Curious george, a song, a smile, a little boy with big brown eyes and the umpteen little kids who seem to be named Austin! I think of his parents with every turn. Every time I hug my kids, every time I yell. Each night when I fight Anna to go to sleep, I think of Austin doing the same thing to his mom last year and I hold her a little longer. If I could do something to somehow ease their pain I would. I know I can't. Nothing will ease their pain. Time heals is a saying people like to repeat, but in a case like this there will never be enough time. It is so odd to me to think that after grouping Anna and Austin as friends, future husband and wife and always a pair, that Wyatt is now actually closer to Austin's age than Anna. He is forever 4. Life somehow has moved forward, leaving everyone who knew of him or about him changed. If only I could find a way to make this month more bearable for his family. I know what it is like to have that first year of grief. Dreading the anticipation of the days and then the hours where you know exactly what happened the year before and thinking of how you might have done things differently. Knowing you can't change them, but unable to control the thoughts that maybe you could of. I do not know how to make it better. If I could do anything I would! Praying for a little of the Peace that passes understanding is all I can do for now. I am also going to post a poem that I found on another blog. I sent it to Austin's parents and told them I felt as if they had written it.

Normal

Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone

important is missing from all the important events in your family's life.

... Normal for me is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery for Birthdays
Christmas,New Years, Valentine's Day,and Easter.

Normal is feeling like you know how to act and are more comfortable with a
funeral than a wedding or birthday party...yet feeling a stab of pain in your
heart when you smell the flowers and see the casket.

Normal is feeling like you can't sit another minute without getting up and
screaming, because you just don't like to sit through anything.

Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what if's & why didn't I's
go through your head constantly.

Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind, holding
your head to make it go away.

Normal is having the TV on the minute I walk into the house to have noise,
because the silence is deafening.

Normal is staring at every child who looks like he is my child's age. And then
thinking of the age he would be now and not being able to imagine it. Then
wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen.

Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness
lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart.

Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an everyday,
commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone's eyes at how awful
it sounds. And yet realizing it has become a part of my "normal".

Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your
child's memory and his birthday and survive these days. And trying to find the
balloon or flag that fit's the occasion. Happy Birthday? Not really.

Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight of something special my
child loved. Thinking how he would love it, but how he is not here to enjoy it.

Normal is having some people afraid to mention my child.

Normal is making sure that others remember him.

Normal is after the funeral is over everyone else goes on with their lives, but
we continue to grieve our loss forever.

Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets
worse sometimes, not better.

Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss,
unless they too have lost a child. NOTHING. Even if your child is in the
remotest part of the earth away from you - it doesn't compare. Losing a parent
is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural.

Normal is taking pills, and trying not to cry all day, because I know my mental
health depends on it.

Normal is realizing I do cry everyday.

Normal is disliking jokes about death or funerals, bodies being referred to as
cadavers, when you know they were once someone's loved one.

Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone, but someone stricken
with grief over the loss of your child.

Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying
together over our children and our new lives.
Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God. "God may have done this
because..." I love God, I know that my child is in heaven, but hearing people
trying to think up excuses as to why healthy children were taken from this earth
is not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense to this grieving mother.

Normal is being too tired to care if you paid the bills, cleaned the house, did
laundry or if there is any food.

Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have three
children or two, because you will never see this person again and it is not
worth explaining that my child is in heaven. And yet when you say you have two
children to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if you have betrayed your
child.

Normal is avoiding McDonald's and Burger King playgrounds because of small,
happy children that break your heart when you see them.

Normal is asking God why he took your child's life instead of yours and asking
if there even is a God.

Normal is knowing I will never get over this loss, in a day or a million years.

And last of all, Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for
you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal".†


http://attemptingtolovelife.blogspot.com/2011/09/awareness.html



Please say a little prayer for Austin and his family tonight and give your kids an extra kiss.

Hockey sticks and Walnut trees

Tonight I was sitting in the basement with T.J. and Anna. I had just put Wyatt to bed and decided to play a little Angry Birds, when the phone rang. Anyone who knows me knows I never answer the phone. I can usually never find it and if I do it ends up not being charged. Tonight I answered the phone. It was my sister. Jacob had gotten hurt and he was going to the hospital. He was okay, but had gotten hit in the head with a hockey stick. He had a gash on his eye brow and was bleeding a lot. She said he wanted me to go with him. How would you ever turn down an invitation from someone you love more than anything in a time when they need you. I was not scared. I guess I could hear the calmness in my sister's voice on the phone, or I just didn't have "that" bad feeling. They picked me up and we were on our way. Jacob was crying a bit, more from fear of stitches than pain. He was bleeding a little and had dried blood on his face. As I sat and looked at him, holding his hand and trying to make him laugh on the way there I thought about how lucky I was. It was only an hour before this happened I was talking to him about the booger jelly beans and having him try a baby wipe one. Now he was on his way to the ER. How lucky am I that he is up and talking, laughing and trying to be brave. We got to the ER with the other 100 people who decided to go in this evening and I could tell he was more nervous. They took us back right away and got his vitals, put some numbing cream on him and gave him some Tylenol. Then we went to wait again. He said he didn't hurt, he was mostly worried about the stitches and upset about what happened. We had talked about the events....He and his friend Connor were trying to get Walnuts out of a tree. Connor went to throw a hockey stick up to get a walnut and got Jacob instead. The story is a funny one, because of the outcome, but to Jacob it wasn't because he knows too much. He felt the stick hit him he saw the blood and he ran in the house. In his mind, in that instant he thought of Austin. He knows the story to some extent. That he was playing, hit his head and he died. Jacob saw the blood and felt the pain and these thoughts entered his mind. When we talked about it at the hospital he said that it was so scary with all the blood and he didn't know what would happen to him next. I told him that Austin felt no pain, he was not able to run into the house and if he (jake) was able to do these things then he didn't have to worry like that. Still, with a chest, face and handfuls of blood, what else do you do but freak out.
After we talked about it we got a snack, talked and laughed, waited another hour and then got called back. As soon as he heard stitches he was so scared. It is such a helpless feeling knowing you can't do anything. So I did what any Aunt would do...I started singing a really silly annoying song that made him laugh in the car earlier. I told him to say anything that was on his mind, ask any questions and he did. The doctor was amazing and as she promised as soon as the first stitch was in and he hadn't felt it he totally relaxed. As she finished we talked about Jacob's hockey stick incident and I tried to help clear his mind and make up a few stories that were even better. Like maybe he was in a fight, which his mom changed to a fight with a squirrel since Walnuts were involved originally. He was really proud of himself and Sis and I couldn't have been any more proud either. I told him I would get him anything he wants, his choice is a music stand for his guitar.
I know I say it all of the time, but I am so blessed. I felt so lucky to walk out of the hospital with an amazing, bright, kind, funny boy that I love! I have always held a special place for each of my nieces and nephews in my heart, but Jacob made me RaRa, he made me an Aunt. He is my Jake. Thank you God for helping to keep him safe tonight. Thank you for helping to keep him brave and for giving Sis and I strength to stay silly and help calm him down.
Last year a little head injury would have been something that would have been cared for and forgotten about. This year as with anything in life since Austin, I think of tonight as a little miracle.

What once was

We can try for the most part
to think of most days
as a gift
as a blessing
without the pain
of what should have been
but, certain days
no matter
how well prepared
no matter
what we have planned
will never again
be as they should
will never again
bring the joy they once did
a day like today
once brought new life
once changed lives forever
now brings a memory
a tear and a smile
what should have been
what could have been
has now become
what once was


Happy 5th Birthday, Austin. I am sure you are having quite the party in Heaven today with Jesus by your side. Tractor rides for everyone and bouncy houses made of clouds. We love you and miss you everyday!

no drumsticks for this quirky girl....

Tonight T.J., the kids and I decided we wanted to make ice cream sundaes. I told T.J. I would run up and get the ice cream at Krogers. His response was "Why don't you just go to UDF?" simple question really. It is closer, it is more convenient and I would have saved myself 15 minutes, but I can't go. The truth is I haven't been to UDF in almost 9 months. The last time I went was the night Austin died. I can still picture the ice cream on the table as I answered that phone call. See it dripping to the ground when we came back home that night. It may be superstitious, silly or just dumb, but I will never run up and get ice cream at UDF again.
I know there are so many things about me that T.J. will never understand, no matter how well he knows me. The UDF thing is just like so many others that I have grown up with. The reason why I threw away the sweater I realized I had worn to both Emma and Connor's funerals....I would never want to be able to wear it again, God forbid. Or the reason why I have never owned nor used a large glass measuring cup. My brother got sick in one just like it the night he got sick before he died. The same reason why I have never eaten (nor have my children ever eaten) a drumstick...the last thing Mikey ate that night. I know it may seem odd, we all know that me going to UDF, Mikey eating a drumstick or my sweater did not cause the series of events that preceded or followed, but it is just the thought.
Grief is such a process. There are so many things we have no control over, especially when dealing with grief. These little superstitions are a way to make me feel like I am doing something. I have spent the last 30 years and 11 months fully aware that I wasn't allowed to have drumsticks and I have never seen a problem with that! I don't think I have missed out on much with one ice cream cone on my list of no's! A few have been passed down from my Grandmother and coined as "bad luck", some from my mom and others have been created in my own head, but all of these things are a part of who I am. I have thrown clothes away, stopped buying specific groceries and even gone different ways to get somewhere because of this. How we deal with our grief makes us who we are. I guess when you speak nicely of someone we would call these traits quirks! Quirky....maybe that is what I am....

1 in 20,000.....

I am a picture nut. I am the first to admit it. From the time I was a little girl I loved looking at picture albums. Maybe it stemmed from the fact that I had a lot of family I either never got to meet or that I didn't remember. I learned to "Know" my brother through pictures, I figured out parts of my grandparents personalities the same way. As an adult you will seldom see me without my camera. I take it almost everywhere I go. In the past five years since Anna was born I think I have taken somewhere close to 20,000 pictures. Yes, that was not a misprint, I said close to 20,000. Granted some of them are the same attempted shot 20 times over, some are silly and some are bad shots, but I love them all.
Five out of Six of my nieces and nephews have birthdays in the next month. So I decided to make them each "facebook albums". I looked through all of my old pictures and put their lives in order as I have taken them. When I started this little project it was kind of to clear my mind. To empty my head of all of the thoughts and emotions I had collected from Austin's balloon release this weekend. Little did I know, Austin had other plans.
When Austin passed away last year I went through all of my pictures. I was pretty sure of each of the dates I had taken his picture on. Most were parties, play dates or at school. I spent hours working on projects with his pictures and I was so happy I had taken as many as I did of him. Then today I was going through pictures for Corey's Birthday album....and there it was. I couldn't believe I had missed this. For some reason I never remember seeing it. Most of my pictures I have some kind of memory of, but not this one. It is the same thing I see when I close my eyes at night. It is the face that greets me when I think of him. Those huge brown eyes and that little grin.
This is why I take so many pictures. This is why I love every picture I have captured. This is one of those little things that both made my day and brought me to tears. You're still up to your little surprises buddy.....

For Austin ....Without you here

Has it really been six months

without you here

is it possible that life

can go on

that the days continue to pass by

that the rain continues to fall

how is it that these things

can so normally occur

when life as we knew it

stopped

the day you left this Earth

everything I think of

everything I do

every choice I make

is marked with your smiling face

life will never be the same

we were forever changed

that October evening

has it really been six months

without you here

Six months....

This past Saturday marked the 6 month Anniversary of when we lost Austin. I say we, as if he were mine to lose. He wasn't, but I have felt grief as strong as I did for my own babies. I have been brought to my knees in pain and watched dear friends fight to start to survive the rest of their lives without him. I have realized that I have changed once again, if possible I could love my kids even more. This past Saturday was not only the 6 month mark, but also the first Saturday that was also the 30th. Two days before that a good friend of mine was camping with her family. Her 4 year old daughter was riding her bike, lost control and fell. She was non responsive, her eyes were locked to one side and she couldn't see. She was transported by ambulance to a hospital where they planned on air caring her to Children's. When I read the email the next morning, the email ending with wonderful news that she was okay, it all came rushing back. Six months ago I may have called to check on her, sent a card. Post October 30, 2010 I went over. I hugged my friend with tears in my eyes and then I hugged her daughter. I brought her a present, one she could sit and play with! I was there because I had to see her for myself. I realized in that moment that I was this different person. I am for the 3rd time in my recent life still trying to figure out who I am. The new normal is much easier this time, not effecting every aspect of my life, like it does Austin's family, but it is new to me. I have always loved my friends children, I have always worked to make them a part of our lives. Now it is different. Now I know how profound of an effect each of these little ones has had on me. Maybe this is one of the ways Austin has changed me. I can see his face whenever I want. I can close my eyes and think of him. I can visit his grave and sit with his Mom. I can watch his brother play and steal kisses and hugs from him as he wears my shoes through the house. But, I will never get to hold Austin and steal a kiss from him. So, to all of my friends, if we are ever on a play date and out of nowhere I decide to hug and kiss your babies....know it is a little part of me and a little part of an Angel working together.

For Austin's Mom....

It has been one month since Austin passed away. I wrote this for his Mom.

So many things she longs for

the sound of his voice

the stomp of his feet

running down the hall

his giggle

his cry

the back and forth of bedtime

the smell of his morning yawn

him waking her each day

she waits for him

maybe he will come

maybe if she checks his room

just one more time

he will be there

this time

playing with his toys

laying with his doopy

watching his movies

so quietly that she just had to make sure

he was still there

no matter how many times

she checks his room

looks out the window

when a car door shuts

he still isn't there

it has been 1 month today

the longest month of this woman's life

she has made it here

without him

she sits and wonders

where this time went

how each hour has melted

into one big nightmare

waiting to wake up

praying this time

he will be there

while knowing in her heart

that he is gone

In Memory of Austin Lee

Very good friends of ours lost their son tragically on Saturday night. As we prepare to say goodbye to him tomorrow I have been reflecting over his life and how he has impacted my husband, myself and our daughter. He was 6 months younger than Anna and we have always referred to him as her "boyfriend" hoping someday they would be married and we would all be family. Little did we realize that he would bring us even closer in his short life than we could have ever been made through marriage. I am not sure words could ever express how I feel for his family and their loss. This is the best I could do for now....

This Child made an ordinary man and woman

into extraordinary parents

This child made parents into Grandparents

and sisters into Aunts

This child had the gift of laughter

a smile of mischief and a heart of gold

This child knew no stranger

because he made everyone a friend

This child loved life

and spent everyday happy

This child was an old soul

and a farmer in Papaw Rope's garden

This child wore Green

because his mom let him choose

This child made the world to all around him

a better, happier place

This child has left those who love him broken

This child soars above us now

This Child will live on in our hearts forever