Ten Years-

How has it been 10 years?
Some days go by so slowly,
Some years go by so fast.
I sit back and think of the little
“Memories”
I have of you
they have faded.
Ten years of healing.
Ten years of grieving.
Ten years of regret.
Wondering,
if I could have given you more.
You made me who I am today.
You gave me the strength,
I didn’t know I had.
You changed my life forever.
This day 10 years ago,
Changed my life forever.
Changed my life me forever.
When a day supposed to be full
Of joy,
Of excitement and surprise,
Turns into
 the darkest hour,
 of the darkest day,
 from your worst nightmare.
Holding little Anna’s hand that day.
smiling to TJ waiting on news
Of a girl or a boy.
Having the doctor come in,
with the worst words.
 Incompatible with life.
Will not survive.
Hearing a wail fill the air
Of the ultrasound room
Not even recognizing that the cry was mine.
Leaving the office in a daze,
disbelief and pain.
Calling my mom from the parking lot,
 screaming into the phone.
My baby is dying.
It can’t live.
The baby is dying.
Ten years later these moments feel
Like yesterday.
I wish the memories I had
were better than what they are.
Ten years later.
You would be turning 10 years old.
In the 4th grade.
God had other plans for us.
The pain of losing you,
is never far from my mind.
Days like today,
it hits hard.
I love you, Emma Jean.
I hope we have made you proud.
I hope you look down from Heaven,
and see how much you have changed me.
See the person I am because of you.
Your life on Earth may have been short,
But the impact you have made will never end.
So today on “D -Day” a decade later,
I’m going to try my best to smile,
Give a hug,
Enjoy the sunshine,
And be thankful God made you mine.

Little pink ruffles

This little pink ruffle outfit may look like any other pink ruffle outfit. But, it isn't. This is the one outfit I bought months before Sam was born.

I was at TJ Maxx with my dear friend Adrianne and Meech. I saw it, on clearance of course, and put it in the cart. As any baby loss mom knows buying things for your baby is hard. Even if you want to believe they will someday wear it, history has been written different for other babies. This little pink outfit was my way of telling myself that it was going to be okay- my baby would be okay. This little pink outfit was only $3, but the significance of me purchasing it was worth so much more. 

Can't believe she is already big enough to fill out this perfect pink outfit. My perfect girl. God is good. 

Normal Mom

I shouldn't have to say it

But I am not a normal mom

I am not average in love

Because

I am not average in loss

I will over react 

I will freak out

I will spoil my kids

I will hold my baby constantly

And if I put her down

Pick her up when she cries

Let her sleep in my room 

Only nap when she wants 

Remind my bigs to be safe

Hug and kiss them 

Every chance I get

I will spend everyday 

Over analyzing each fear

Appreciating each moment

I will not apologize 

I wear some awful shoes 

The shoes that walk between 

the graves of two children

Buried a year a part

I will not even attempt to explain it

I will not worry about what others 

Might think Or say

Truth is my only concerns

Are the safety and happiness 

Of those who are happy 

With having a mom who is not 

Normal 

Footprints

Every once in awhile sharing your story introduces you to people. There is a woman who found my blog and contacted me. She has a website that makes memorial Jewelry and she asked if she could make me a piece. 

I am so excited to be working with her and just in the small experience I have had with her I can feel the compassion behind her work. 

I was trying to find a few pictures and footprints to send her and what I would like to do for the piece.  I told her something I have rarely ever said out loud- or in writing. I told her that I wanted both of my babies included. That I have pictures of Connor and not of Emma. That I feel guilty that I didn't see Emma and that I don't have pictures of her. That thinking of doing a piece of jewelry for one and not the other made me sad. To think of having a pendant with one of them represented on each side made me nervous- because I wouldn't want one of them to be face down, hidden against my chest. After numerous emails she was so helpful and told me that she would surprise me. This is a gift in itself. Taking the choices out of it for me. 

In my search for pictures I was looking through Connor's scrapbook. Something I rarely look at. I found his footprints and handprints. I needed a picture to send so I pulled the page out so carefully not to smudge them. As I looked at them before I photographed them I couldn't believe how much i had forgotten. The length of his toes and the high arch in his foot.

 I thought about how his foot had been in that spot. His skin had been there. 

I put them away as carefully as I got them out- yet I noticed a spot on my hand. My hand had a little of his footprint on it. Closest thing I have had to touching my son in the past 4 1/2 years. 

These are the little things that make me smile. I went upstairs and showed Tj and the kids. Anna asked how it happened wanting to know the actual process. Wyatt just said - "how did he get that on your hand from his foot when he is in Heaven". I don't know how exactly it happened, but I will take it as a little angel kiss. 

Looking forward to seeing what she has in store for me. Here is the link to her website http://www.evrmemories.com/Photo-Engraved-Jewelry-s/172.htm

Normal-

As a parent it is normal to brag about your children.
Celebrate their accomplishments.
Force people to look at their pictures and listen to your stories about them. 
It is expected and it is welcomed.
Losing a baby can change that-
Twenty years ago it was not normal to speak your lost baby's name
Most people didn't take pictures, much less share them.
There weren't blogs and foundations using their names and likenesses.
Things were not spoken of - these babies were not spoken of.
We are so blessed to live in this day in age.
In a time when we do speak of our babies. 

We mention them in passing. 

We tell stories about them.

Share pictures of them.

Help others to grieve and to love
because of them. 

We teach our children about them.

Letting them know they have a sibling-
a brother and a sister to love
who watch them from Heaven.

We make sure they are a part of every season, every holiday- everyday.

I have formed as many relationships because of my children that are not here
as I have from my children who are. 
I have found solace and friendship.
I have learned from my grief.
I am lucky enough to have my very own Angels. 

I am open enough to share them.
Today, on October 15, those of us who have experienced loss
come together. 
We remember our own babies
and we remember each others babies

We light candles and speak their names
We share their pictures and we tell their stories.
We will work together as grieving Moms and Dads.
We will make sure that this is "normal",
that just because our babies are not on this Earth 
does not mean that they are not here-
they are in our hearts, in our homes and in our families.

"D Day"

Well it is here
Somehow it has been 5 years
Somehow life
 has moved forward
We have moved forward
We have healed
we continue to heal
As much as memories fade
days like today
will never change
ears ringing with sounds
of voices on the phone
as much as it really doesn't
hurt everyday now
I miss what could have been
the same old
what should of been
5 years ago today
I was told I would not
have two daughters
grow up together
play dolls together
argue over clothes together
5 years ago
my heart
felt like it had been ripped
from my chest
today I feel better
I can feel sad
without feeling broken
I can miss my baby girl
without missing out
on my life
I know I have healed
I am proud of who I am
Because I am proud
of who she has made me 

You're up God~

If twenty years from now
I see you in pain
I see you cry
holding your stomach
heart pounding
ears burning
asking Why
knowing that maybe
I could have stopped
this pain
that maybe life had sent me
sent those little ones
to help save you
from this pain
how can I know now
what can I pray for
how do I know
what I need?
will it make a difference?
could I live with myself
with not knowing?
either way
I have no control
God's hands
hold the cards
you're up God - 

Genetics...

 As I sat at children's Hospital with TJ this morning, no children around us, because we were the patients; i realized that just  over 8 years ago I had never heard of Anencephaly.  Then my niece, Avery, was born and passed away.  I still didn't know much about it.  To be quite honest I had no idea how to pronounce it.  

Today as I sat in a Human Genetics Office I am quite certain I knew more about it than the med student.  I have spent the last 5 years researching, asking questions, reading, anything I can do to wrap my head around this horrible defect.  For the last 5 years I have tried to find somewhere to go,  Someone to listen.  Someone to acknowledge that this was more than a fluke. 

Four years and 3 months ago I stood in an ultrasound room.  I had been told my son had Anencephaly.  I then said I wanted to speak to someone in genetics.  I wanted an appointment to see why this had happened again.  The perinatologist office got Genetics on the phone - I was told that day there was no use for us to come in.  No bloodwork to be done, no counseling, no nothing.

If I have learned anything in the past 5 years it is how to be an advocate.  For myself, for my children and for my future.  I have learned that if you want something done you have to keep trying.   I never wanted a concrete "reason" or a definitive answer.  I just wanted someone to listen.  Someone to hear our story and to tell us anything!

Today we got that chance.  We were able to spend two hours in the Human Genetics Department at Cincinnati, Childrens.  We saw a Genetic Counselor who asked questions and actually cared about the answers.  She asked about how we coped with our losses, about the support I had with Prenatal Parnters For Life, they asked about everything I had written in my emails - which made me realize they all took the time to read them.  They asked about our family history and my pregnancies.  Which still to this day I seem to know dates and details like it was yesterday.  She was kind and compassionate and made sure to ask our babies names.  Little things I did not expect on top of the "big " issues at hand. 
  When the Doctor came in he was not what I imagined.  Being an Associate Professor in Human Genetics dealing mainly in research and numbers I didn't expect him to be so personal, but he was.  He was compassionate, he was well aware of our situation and he was so insightful about the future.   He told us about what they are doing to try and figure out the hereditary basis for Neural Tube Defects, he told us they may not know it in our lifetime and that cases like ours are not the common.  He spoke of one other family in Cincinnati who had come to them for help.  We know this is not common, it was so nice to have an expert go over facts and figures that I have spent hours researching.  He told us about many of the genes they have looked at as possibilities for causing NTDs. Even speaking of a certain gene mutation that I have already been tested for because I found that research as well.  He gave us real numbers - for us.  Our chances are 80% that we would have a healthy baby- which leaves 20% that we would not.  He also told us that if we would have another baby with a Neural Tube defect they could do a study based solely on the 3 of us, TJ, the baby and I.  That would give them insight into exactly what was changing between TJ and I being healthy adults and the baby having the defect.  Things I would have never even known were possible! This would lead us to a lot of information for Anna and our nieces in the future.  Because if our risk is 20% without knowing the reason behind our babies having a neural tube defect, it raises their risk to 20% as well.  That doesn't seem horrible, but the normal chances are 1 in 1000.  So compared to that it is pretty high.  I hate to think that they would ever have to live through the heartache that we have.

So now where do we go from here.  I don't know.  We may never have an answer.  But, at least at this point I know we have a wonderful team of doctors and researchers working to find one.  And we have a little miracle sitting in her first grade desk right now that is proof that the 80% chance is a great one.

tiny Angel big impact

Today was an interesting day. Today was a solemn day.  Today God once again threw me for a loop in this life I am leading.  this morning I was privileged to be at the baby garden to pay my respects to sweet Jonah.  As I approached this place that has been a second home to my family for the past 5 years of course it all came flooding back.  The many hours I sat and cried grieving for Emma and for Connor.  The amazing "coincidence" of running into an old friend and discovering our babies were buried just a few feet from each other.  Remembering Anna as just a toddler hopping from stone to stone. Laughing to myself thinkingof Wyatt trying to pick up the toys left on the headstones. Seeing the plots fill so quickly and wondering what each baby's story was. This place is a very big part of our "normal".
Today I walked up to Jonah's casket, sitting by his 2 brothers and his sister's graves. As his four living siblings watched their Mama cry and tried to understand.  I hugged Jonah's mom and realized standing by me were mom's that I have known about, but never met.  Those that I have been inspired by and cried for, yet I didn't really "know" them.  Today we all stood at the foot of the baby garden, where our babies rest, and we came together for our friend.  For those who feel alone in grief, the baby loss mom does not have to be one.  We are proud to speak of our babies.  We will be there for one another.  We understand the pain and the importance of each little moment.  We know what it means to have someone care for our baby, to hold our baby, to love our baby, so we give the same in return.
Today I met a few women in person that I have "known" quite well online.  In the Anencephaly community I have never felt alone.  The mothers all come together and support one another.  In my small part of town, we did the same today.
I have heard stories of a baby born with Trisomy 18 from Jonah's mom.  I have prayed for this woman and her child.  I have thought of them often, today when I met her I realized that she used to be my next door neighbor.  I lived next to this woman for 4 years.  I also found out that on our tiny cul de sac another mom across the street lost a baby to Trisomy 18.  12 houses - 12 families and 4 babies lost to fatal birth defects.  The world could not get any smaller. 
I spent more time talking to this woman in 2 hours than I did in 4 years.  Now we are never going to forget one another, now we are both a part of "the club".
When God sent me on this path of loss I never felt alone.  Today I felt lucky to be in the presence of people with such faith and love.  I couldn't help but smile when I left Jonah's house this morning after the service.  As sad as I am for his mother and father, as much as it hurt to watch his siblings cry and to know they are in pain, his little life brought these women into mine.  Jonah will forever hold a place in my heart, because he helped me to not be scared to meet the people that have helped me so much.  As his parents and family grieve his loss tonight I hope it helps bring a little peace that this little man made a big impact on my life.


God Bless Sweet Jonah -

My Tangible Peace

To be honest, I have to admit, that I don't think about Emma and Connor at the ages they would be today.  I think about them as babies.  It is hard to imagine who they would be today, because I never got to know them.  There are sometimes where I can't resist the idea.  The other day we had a playdate.  I am pretty sure it was the first time that the four kids born within months of Connor were here, all together. 
I remember being pregnant with Connor, knowing Sarah was pregnant with Natalie.  I remember finding out my sister was pregnant, then Jamie and then Heather.  REALLY! My sister and my closest three friends, all pregnant while I was pregnant, all having babies within 6 months of when I would have Connor.  They would all be born within 6 months of when I would lose Connor. 
At that point I wasn't sure what I would do with this situation.  I knew these babies would be in my life, because their mothers were the closest people to me, but what would I do!? I guess I did what anyone would do,  I loved them.  I embraced each pregnancy, each birth and each baby as much as I could. 

Today I am so happy to say that I love the relationship that I have with each of these miracles.  They are 4 of my favorite children that in my eyes can do no wrong....even though their mommy's think otherwise.  These 4 little people are a wonderful reminder of who Connor might have been, and a tangible way for me to love him through them.  Sometimes it seems like God is playing some cruel joke on us, when in the end he is just bringing us the peace that he knew we would need.  These 4 little ones are a big part of my peace....

A different way of viewing things...

I haven't posted in awhile and today I read an article that made me so angry I simply had to write! I will admit that I love to watch "19 kids and counting" I think they are an incredible family and Anna and I watch them together all of the time. I feel like we have a vested interest in their family, so we feel like we know them! When Michelle became pregnant with her 20th child I remember thinking how can she have 20 healthy pregnancies and I can't have 2! After their youngest daughter was born severely premature I thought it was risky to get pregnant again, but even after a miscarriage and 2 babies with fatal defects, I still think I would want to be pregnant again sometimes, so I am no one to judge. When I found out they lost their baby at 21 weeks my heart broke for them. Emma was 21 weeks when she was born still. As I was feeling sad for this family and knowing exactly the pain they were feeling I was so happy to hear they had Now I lay Me Down to Sleep come and take pictures for them. This is the organization that took pictures of Connor. This is the organization that sent a now very dear friend of ours to take amazing beautiful and artistic pictures to help capture the only day we ever spent with our son. One of my biggest regrets is that I did not do the same for Emma, that I don't have any pictures of her besides an ultrasound picture.
Today I saw an article with a link to the Dugger's pictures of their daughter, they actually had the image blurred and a warning on the page to view the pictures. They were of her tiny feet and hands. How is this vulgar or graphic in anyway. In the baby loss community this is something we are proud of, thankful for, and that we show proudly. I have many friends in this community who have posted pictures of their babies at earlier gestation than "Jubilee" was and they are still beautiful. I wonder what they would think of our Anen babies with their defects, or the child born with a skin condition who is scarred and bloody at every point of his day. These are our children. They are beautiful to all who love them. I understand that different people have different views on things. That years ago I would have had completely different thoughts than I do today with all we have been through. Would I have thought of this differently? Would I have found these pictures morbid and "disturbing"? I guess I will never know how I would have viewed them. The only thing I know now is that there is another angel in Heaven and her parents have one tangible reminder that will help them through the coming days and weeks and help them to remember her in the coming years.

Here is the picture



It is beautiful and it makes me smile to think that is about the same size Emma was.


Here is a shot taken of Connor. So similar, such a wonderful reminder that he was really here. Somedays it is like you can almost feel the memories leaving and you need something to prove that they were here. This is the gift that NILMDTS has given us.

so much to be thankful for

Here I go again. It is one of our milestones, one of the big ones. Thanksgiving brings me such mixed emotions I could sit and stew in my thoughts. I have such happy memories, terrible memories, and a complete lack of memories for certain things. As many dates and days as we have had that are important in our lives. Thanksgiving is a biggie.
I think a few of the things that drive me the craziest are the memories that won't leave. Those moments where you would like to not remember each and every detail, sound, movement as if it were minutes ago instead of years. I still remember holding the ultrasound pictures of Sydney and Connor on Thanksgiving night. My Mother and sister assuring me I was just worrying too much and seeing things that weren't there. I knew. I knew all along. I saw the difference in their pictures. I worried for myself for the same reason I never worried for my sister. Because I knew. I remember running to the bathroom crying unable to contain my fear. I remember the phone call the next day from the doctor confirming my worst nightmare. I remember throwing myself to the ground and screaming in my front yard as my mom pulled in the driveway. I remember for the only time that I have ever said it, repeating over and over again, "why me, why this baby, what did I do, this is not fair".
Then the memories stop for awhile. I don't remember that Christmas, New Years, Anna's birthday and so many other things following that phone call. How I wish I could hold on to the memories of spending time with Connor. As time goes on I know I am forgetting him and I hate that. I can no longer remember certain parts of that day, yet these Thanksgiving thoughts and the real true "black Friday" won't leave. I guess that is how it works. If we only remembered the good things we may never truly appreciate them.
As I have been "working" my way through this week I have noticed people have been listing what they are Thankful for recently. Each day saying something specific they are thankful for. Each day I am sure there is something a little new that I am thankful for, but to be honest, I have thanked God everyday for all that we have been given. For years before I even realized what I was thanking him for. For prayers that have been answered and prayers that have gone unanswered.
It still amazes me to look at the timeline of events in my life between Thanksgiving 2008 and Thanksgiving 2009. I went from realizing my greatest fear at to realizing one of my greatest joys at the next turn. I often think of how life could have been, would have been, should have been if I had been able to continue delivering healthy babies. T.J. and I talked the other night about it. I asked him if we had ever even had the discussion while dating about how many kids we wanted. I guess we hadn't because he wanted 2 and I wanted 4. I sat there for a second and I realized, we both got what we wanted. We have 2 babies here to care for, to cuddle and to try and corral. We have 2 babies in Heaven. Four kids for me, while at the same time 2 for T.J. . so much to be thankful for......seems He listens even when we aren't asking out loud.

tiny angel

Four years ago, today was the worst day of my life, relatively speaking. I had waited for over a week, had 3 ultrasounds and prayed endlessly to see a heartbeat. But, alas, no heartbeat. Four years ago I suffered my first loss. I remember asking my mom and dad to stay home, because I knew they would be best to care for Anna. T.J. took me to the hospital and I ate a Big Mac when we came home. I never eat Big Macs. I remember thinking this day sucked enough and I was eating a damn Big Mac. Each year as this day comes and goes I realize that the day seems less and less terrible. Maybe it is time passing. Maybe it is the events that have unfolded in our lives since, but the pain is less.
The year after my miscarriage I had lost Emma and had the feeling I was pregnant with Connor. The following year I had lost Connor and we had just had Bug placed in his new family. Last year I could not tell you what I did, I know that I remembered because Facebook reminded me of my status update this day last year.
This year I remembered the date, but I have to admit the sting is gone. I think of that baby and the thing that "spec" gave me most was compassion. I have come into contact with so many people, strangers and friends, who have suffered miscarriages. I am not sure I would have been able to love, counsel and understand their specific situations if I hadn't had an early loss. Little things I have come to find that help me to be the person I am today.
So to my tiny Angel, know I will never forget you, I will always love you and I hold you in my heart.

Thirty One Year Old Rainbow

Well, today is my birthday. To be honest this morning I was so focused on the importance of it being Anna's first day of Kindergarten that I didn't even think about it. As the day progressed and school was over a few thoughts crossed my mind. Of course on each of your children's birthdays you think of their birth. The story, the labor, the weather, the feelings that came with it on that day and each year after. This was the first year I thought of my own birth that way. I have to admit that this year, post losing Austin, every thought I have is different. This year I realized my birth was more than just average. I have always known I was a "miracle". Being born after a reversed vasectomy in 1980 wasn't a normal occurence. Being born 3 weeks late and perfectly healthy wasn't always seen then either. But, it wasn't until today that I realized I am a Rainbow baby. For those mom's who have lost a child, they probably know what this is, but for everyone else....
"Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.
I was born less than 2 years after my brother passed away. My mom has told me that her pregnancy with me is part of what helped her heal a little and kept her going. It is odd 31 years later to see myself as an adult that is a Rainbow baby! It is a good feeling as well. To think I never realized what I did for my mom and dad 31 years ago today, I only hope that they know how much they have given me in return.

no drumsticks for this quirky girl....

Tonight T.J., the kids and I decided we wanted to make ice cream sundaes. I told T.J. I would run up and get the ice cream at Krogers. His response was "Why don't you just go to UDF?" simple question really. It is closer, it is more convenient and I would have saved myself 15 minutes, but I can't go. The truth is I haven't been to UDF in almost 9 months. The last time I went was the night Austin died. I can still picture the ice cream on the table as I answered that phone call. See it dripping to the ground when we came back home that night. It may be superstitious, silly or just dumb, but I will never run up and get ice cream at UDF again.
I know there are so many things about me that T.J. will never understand, no matter how well he knows me. The UDF thing is just like so many others that I have grown up with. The reason why I threw away the sweater I realized I had worn to both Emma and Connor's funerals....I would never want to be able to wear it again, God forbid. Or the reason why I have never owned nor used a large glass measuring cup. My brother got sick in one just like it the night he got sick before he died. The same reason why I have never eaten (nor have my children ever eaten) a drumstick...the last thing Mikey ate that night. I know it may seem odd, we all know that me going to UDF, Mikey eating a drumstick or my sweater did not cause the series of events that preceded or followed, but it is just the thought.
Grief is such a process. There are so many things we have no control over, especially when dealing with grief. These little superstitions are a way to make me feel like I am doing something. I have spent the last 30 years and 11 months fully aware that I wasn't allowed to have drumsticks and I have never seen a problem with that! I don't think I have missed out on much with one ice cream cone on my list of no's! A few have been passed down from my Grandmother and coined as "bad luck", some from my mom and others have been created in my own head, but all of these things are a part of who I am. I have thrown clothes away, stopped buying specific groceries and even gone different ways to get somewhere because of this. How we deal with our grief makes us who we are. I guess when you speak nicely of someone we would call these traits quirks! Quirky....maybe that is what I am....