Aunt Jean...

Most of the people who I grew up with

Or those that know my parents, my sister or myself -

Know my Aunt Jean. 

Most of those people called her "aunt" Jean. 

She was the closest thing I had to a  grandparent after the age of 8. 

She was at every holiday, birthday, parade, performance and at my moms for dinner most every Sunday for about 20 years. 

She was the older sister of my grandma Strasser. Outliving her younger sister by 27 years.

She had some stories from her younger days that I loved hearing.

And I am pretty sure I never heard the really good ones.

She was the one picking up wrapping paper at every party and serving ice cream. She always had "green gum" and the smell makes me think of her.

She came over once a week to watch Corey and Anna while I picked up jake from Kindergarten. And even in her early eighties she was sharp as a whip. 

She was independent and a very proud woman. I cannot remember anything in our life important that she wasn't a part of. 

She was not a lovey hugger- but that did not mean she didn't make you feel loved. 

She was my "babysitter" on Saturday nights and my golden girl companion.

She had some wonderful friends, two sons and a grandson.

A few years ago we started noticing signs of dimentia. 

She was struggling and living alone in her house. She did not want to leave, but it was not safe for her to stay. 

So she moved into a dependent living facility.

Not long after Alzheimer's set in and took this woman who had known us all so well.

For the past year her body has been here, but her mind as we knew her was no longer here. 

I pray that when she got to Heaven yesterday she only remembers the wonderful things- the happy things. That she will see herself as the independent

proud and Godly woman we knew.

 The woman who we named our daughter after - our Emma Jean. This Thursday we will say our final goodbye- coincidentally enough- on Emma's birthday. 6 years to the day (even a Thursday) we said hello and goodbye. Rest in Peace Aunt Jean. You will never be forgotten...

Just to Go Home

I have never understood death.  I have never understood why some people go so early in their lives and others sit waiting, praying to leave the Earth.  Tonight I sat with Aunt Jean.  Walking in to see her once again sitting in a high back wheel chair, crumbs on her lap, eyes barely open.  Everytime I see her now it seems to be the same.  She has been moved 3 times, each time she gets worse, she moves up a floor.  Each time I see her she just wants to go home.  Not home to a house, home to God.

Tonight I went to see her and she seemed to know who I was, but just for a moment.  The dimentia and alzheimers have stolen so much of her.  There are so many ramblings of ideas like a little movie roll is playing in her head.  She spoke of an old friend, Dottie Wunder, and I asked if she wanted to see her.  She replied, oh no she just had a baby.  Then she spoke of an Aunt Viola who lived in Clifton on Erckenbrecker.  I stroked her hair and held her hand.  Two things I could never imagine doing in her old life.  Her nurse, Von, was such a nice guy.  He told me how much he loved how she said whatever she wanted and I told him a few of the stories she had told me.  I told him  how she had worked into her late 70's and how she had watched Anna and Corey just a few years back.

Because this is not my Aunt.  This is a shell of a woman.  With wrinkled, bruised hands and her hair matted down. 

As I sat and talked to her I brought up things I like to remember.  I asked her if she remembered when I used to come over on Saturday nights.  Her eyes brightened as she looked at me and said of course.  I told her how she used to always make me green beans, my favorite, for dinner and she replied that my mother always had a vegetable with dinner.  We talked about the Golden Girls and Empty Nest in the moments of lucidity between the thoughts that seem to consume her.
At this point I know our visits are more for me than they are for her, though she seems to realize I am there.  As I got in my car I prayed out loud, sometimes when I am feeling in such a way I think He will know I mean business.  I prayed that she can be at peace and that He can call her home, because in the end that is all she wants...just to go Home. 

three little words....

If you have ever been around my family, my immediate family that I grew up in as well as my family now, you know we are huggers. In fact I can pretty much bet that if you are a friend of mine and have ever even met my dad he has given you a hug! We like to bring people into our homes, welcome them with open arms, make them something to eat, make sure they are comfortable and enjoying themselves. It is just the way things are. I have loved growing up in a family like this. We hug each time we see each other, never miss a chance to say I love you, never. There is one exception to this, Aunt Jean. She has been at every party and has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. She was the person who watched me when mom and dad (seldomly) went out, the person who remembered every birthday, anniversary and so on, she is the closest thing I can ever remember having to a grandparent. She is even the namesake for my Emma Jean. I have to admit that tonight something happened that has never happened before. Maybe it is age, maybe it is the realization of how much things are changing, but it happened.
Tonight we celebrated my sister's birthday. It was perfect with her family, our family, mom and dad and Aunt Jean. It has been a few weeks since we have seen Aunt Jean. She recently moved into Western Hills Retirement home. Between Alzheimer's and moving at 85 years old she has had a really tough time. My mom has been over so many times helping her to try and adjust, calling everyday and being the support she needs. The kids and I planned on going over last week, but it was a bit too soon. Tonight we picked her up for the party. We talked about her new "home" on the way to the party. The activities they have, how the kids have been etc. We had a nice time at mom's for the party and when it was time to go she was proud she remembered where I had put her keys. On the way back she said many times how wonderful the kids are. How much she has missed seeing them and how big they are. I told her we could all come and see her for brunch, now that she is settling in to her new routine. When we pulled up to drop her off she slowly got out of the car and said goodbye and thank you. She started to walk towards the door and stopped and looked in the window. I opened the door so she could see the kids. She looked at me, then looked at them and said "I love you". This is it. I am almost 31 years old and this is the first time I have heard her say these words. I can't tell you what it meant to me . I have always known that she loved me, but this was new. I am happy that she has gotten to a point in her life, though it may have taken 85 years, where she can say I love you. I am even happier that she said it to the kids and I. Now, if only she can get the courage up to say it to my mom. The little things that children say freely, kept so tight inside of this woman for so long. I bet she was happy when she went to bed tonight, hopefully she will remember, so the next time she won't be so nervous.

Part 2

I have been able to visit Aunt Jean a few times in the passed couple of weeks. Each time I go we talk a little about "today" and mostly about before. She openly talks about how much she hates Alzheimer's Disease. She hates not remembering things and losing her thought mid sentence. I am glad she will talk about this with me. She has tried so hard for a long time to seem like everything is okay, so I am sure it is nice to finally just stop pretending. If not by choice, by neccesity. When we bring up the past I always talk about the nights I spent with her. Saturday nights, every so often, when Mom and Dad would go out. Aunt Jean and I would go through her jewelry, eat something including Green Beans and watch Empty Nest and Golden Girls. I vividly remember this part of my childhood, which is nice, because I don't remember a whole lot of it!
When I ask her about her childhood she was able to remember a lot. She told me how my Great Grandparents met. Emma Cundy (my Great Grandma Ahrens) worked at a restraunt and Bill Ahrens (my great grandpa) made a delivery there from a delicatessen where he worked. He asked her on a date and the rest was history. Aunt Jean said she and my Grandmother were always close growing up. Aunt Jean is older, but they shared many of the same friends. When they were young they lived in Clifton. She said they would often dress in their best clothes and heels and walk to Eden Park to hang out with friends. Snow, Rain, heat...always dressed in heels! I can't imagine walking 1/3 that far in heels. She said a friend of theirs Uncle ran the shelter at Eden Park, so they were able to hang out there. My Great Uncle John owned a Bar in Clifton. She said My Great Grandpa owned a linens company and provided the linens for the restraunt. My Great Grandma would not only cook all of the meals for the bar, but also make aprons and linens for my Great Grandpa. I asked Aunt Jean what her aspirations were as a child. She said she always wanted to be a Secretary. She started at 17 and was a Secretary into her 70's. I guess she was exactly what she wanted to be. When I asked her how my Grandma and Grandpa met she thought long and hard. She thinks it was when she was at Westinghouse and went on a date with a man there and Grandpa and Grandma were set up as doubles. I am not sure if that is how it happened, she got a little distant when thinking about this one.
When I went over yesterday she gave me all of the written history of the Ahrens, Cundy and Fosse families. This information dates as far back as the 1600's. I haven't had much of a chance to look over it yet, but I plan to soon. I guess maybe this little idea will be more than just a two part project.


A few of the pictures I added are from Aunt Jean's album. Aunt Jean as a toddler (with Jewelry on, she remembered always wearing jewelry as a child) , The Ahren's Family - Great Grandma Ahrens, Grandma Strasser(Dot), Aunt Jean and Great Grandpa Ahrens, My uncle John's Bar and Aunt Jean and her first car

Part 1

I received news today that my Great Uncle is in Hospice care and probably won't make it through the night. He has had Alzheimer's disease for awhile now and has not been doing well, but still hearing this news is so sad. The power of facebook has brought my extended family together from all over the country to hear the news together. His son has been caring for him for a long time and it has been a long rode dealing with this devastating disease. He and his family are heartbroken that his Father will soon be joining his Mom, Aunt Gloria, who passed away not long ago. I remember many things about my Uncle Don. I can think fondly of many memories I was able to have with him, that I didn't get with my Grandfather. My grandpa, Uncle Don's brother, died 25 years ago. I was only 5. I was always able to see a bit of my Grandpa in my uncle Don's sweet smile. That is something I will never forget. Even when we saw him a few months ago at my Mom's party, he was smiling. Not always aware of his surroundings, but smiling.
Thinking about him and about his family can only lead me to think about my Great Aunt. Everyone who has known me knows my Aunt Jean. She has been at every party, every gathering and a constant part of my life since I was born. My Grandmother, her sister, also died when I was 5. Aunt Jean has been the closest thing to a Grandmother I have had for as long as I can remember. Over the passed few years she has been battling dementia. As it progresses into Alzheimer's disease I will admit it is hard to watch her. She has gone from a fully independent woman to someone who needs notes and reminders to help her through her day. She is still the same person, just slowly losing herself. It is a very sad disease to watch. To be honest I know I am bad about visiting her because it is hard to see this woman who has been "Aunt Jean" forever, become a shell of her former self. My mom talks to her more than once a day and I send food over and call to check on her. On more than one occasion she has called Anna, Sarah. On more than one occasion she has called me, Donna. I have realized the easiest way for us both to be comfortable is to talk about the past. I recently sat with her and looked through an old album and asked her many things about the pictures. She is pretty good with these memories. Thinking of this and Uncle Don is where I got my idea for tonight. I have compiled a list of questions I want to know the answers to. Simple things, like where did my Great Grandparents meet, where did my Grandparents meet, writing down the names of all of my great aunts and uncles. I want to know a few of her memories, her childhood. These are the things that live only in her memory. I would like to write them down, so some day if she can't remember even them. I will tell her about her life. So, hence the title of this blog being Part 1. I am looking forward to writing Part 2 and I hope to find somethings I didn't know before. Saying an extra prayer tonight for Uncle Don and knowing he has the love of his life waiting for him with open arms in Heaven.
*the picture above is from Aunt Jean's birthday party a few years back, it is Aunt Jean, Aunt Gloria and Uncle Don...of course with that smile on his face.