Heading in the right direction!

 Today Sam had her follow up with Cincinnati Children’s Rheumatology. She had bloodwork earlier this week and was pretty nervous. Dr. Schulert was as wonderful as ever and immediately set her (and I) at ease. He said her bloodwork is continuing to trend in the right direction. 

Her Sed Rate is nearly a quarter of where it was in April and her CRP is back to normal!!! Huge win for the inflammation numbers. She is a little anemic, but almost all of her bloodwork had improved. 

He checked her joints and range of motion and said she looked even better than in July. Her knee swelling is completely gone. 

As she danced and sang through the appointment he said he still is in awe that Naproxen has helped her the way it has so far. Seeing the sick shell she was in April, now back to her perfect curve on the growth chart and full of sass and fun. 

Thankfully at this point he is happy with how the current meds are working. Her kidneys are in great shape and she isn’t having any side effects. So we will stay on twice a day naproxen. He had thought about taking her down to once a day, but I brought up the concern of not knowing what caused it and the fear of going backwards. He has been amazing at listening to my concerns and acknowledging Pandas without ever mentioning it. She has an eye appointment in November to make sure the Inflammation isn’t effecting her eyes and if that is all good we can avoid changing to the Arthritis medicine for the next few months. 

He said the type of Juvenile Arthritis she has and the way she is trending she could go into remission at some point by the time she is an adult. 

She will have repeat lab work and an ultrasound in 4 months and visit with Dr. Schulert again. Overall it was a great visit and we are so thankful for her continued health and all she is able to do again. 

She has a few more goals to reach, like getting her leprechaun kick back and getting her speed back. But, this girl has come so far and is so brave! Looking at her lab work trends and seeing how sick she was and knowing how that had effected everything is hard to hear. The memories of what she has been through and continued medicine and appointments are hard on her. I am so proud of her tenacity and her continuing to push herself each day. 

She is o happy this appointment and bloodwork are over! Now on to Soccer tournaments, volleyball and the school Christmas play! So much to look forward to! 

Goodbye to Michi - Anna's words

Last week Anna came home with her Language Arts Composition Book in hand. She has been writing each day as homework and I love to see the things she has written.  This year she has really been challenged by her LA teacher to dig deeper and to write from more difficult prompts.  This time she wanted to write something from an experience that had made her sad.  As I read her words tears welled up in my eyes. Anna doesn't talk much about her feelings.  This was the first time I had ever heard or read her perspective on the night the Meech left.  I told her about my blog and about how I write my feelings out whenever I am sad, angry or sometimes really happy.  I asked her if I could share her Journal entry on my blog and she said yes.

Anna Caito 10-18-2017

Goodbye to Michi

Sadness. Sadness is how everyone felt in our small van. Silence. We all just sat in our seats thinking of all the memories we had with Michi, my foster brother. I was remembering everything we had done with him.

 I thought about when I found him in a carseat in our house, not even knowing who he was yet. I remembered trying to say Demetrius (his name) and ending up calling him D until we found out his nickname was Michi . I remember thinking he was a girl when I first met him from his pretty eyes and long curly hair. I remember going to Disney World with him while he was dancing in the parade there. I also remembered how my mom had to put his hair in buns because it was so crazy and out of controlled so at Disney everyone called him a pretty princess.

As a quick tear runs down my face knowing that he will be happy with his grandma and will still get to see his brother. I also say to myself that it would be hard for the grandma if her grandkid was living with people she doesn’t even know, so it is a good thing he can be closer to her now. I look at Michi and think about how much me and my family had to fight for him to go to the right home. I had so many mixed emotions that day, but we all let him be with his family, even though we loved him. 

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My favorite line is "we all let him be with his family, even though we loved him". 

Here is a link to what I wrote the night he left... He is Gone

I love that she is finding an outlet in writing, just like mom...

Snuggle conversation

Tonight Wy and I were snuggling in my bed before bedtime. We had read his book and talked about what he wants for lunch. I thought he was starting to drift off to sleep when he asked me a question. 

Mom, how did I get home when I was a baby?

I was caught off guard at the question and not sure about what answer he was looking for. I asked him what he meant and he said like we brought Sammi home. I told him that his belly mommy took him home with her and took care of him. He then asked if if he could meet her again. I gave an honest answer that I am not sure where she is now. I told him  that God knew he belonged with us and his belly mommy helped make that happen. 

He asked about Mrs. Moore, his foster mom, and said did she adopt me? I told him no, only his forever family adopted him. He talked about when we came to get him and how he was looking out the window with pup pup and how we went to skyline for our first meal together. About getting his first sippy cup of juice and if he went to the pantry. The stories I have told him many times. He talked about wanting to go see his foster home again.  I told him I would be happy to take him back there soon. He has been once since he left and we still keep in touch with his foster family. He asked me how I found him. How far away he was from us.  He asked if he had brothers. I responded yes, foster brothers, but I can't remember their names. The thing he said next struck me- it is the first time he has ever said anything about his time before us. 

He said when he lived there he played with a dump truck in the wash room. This is a word I have never used. That no one  I can think of uses, so I wonder if this is a memory. Is this something he has always remembered or did it just come back? 

I promised him I will always answer everything I can for him and explain everything as best as I know. I told him for the ten thousandth time how much I loved him and how thankful I am that God brought him to us.

 He then went on taking about eating lunch in the classroom and how much fun he would have tomorrow. 

I am so thankful that he asks these questions and that we have told him the parts of his story that are good for him to know. The truth is his life and his story started long before our paths crossed. The insightful and sensitive little boy he has become began long before he called me mommy. I pray that I can continue to help him find answers and discover all of who he is. That we can continue to tell him stories of him as a baby. One snuggle conversation at a time... 

Wherever he may be...

Sometimes it hits you like a slap in the face. 

You are in a stride. 

Doing so well and not thinking about what could have been and then ... 

BAM 

It hits you. 

The only thing I can count it as is grief. 

The should of beens. 

The could of beens. 

Reminders and memories.

Seeing every child his age and wondering how big he would be.

The only difference is as I look around I have an ounce of hope. 

I have an ounce of fear. 

That one of these kids is him. 

After 6 months of healing. 

After 6 months of trying to forget.

Sometimes the sting of what might have been creeps in. 

We are so lucky.

So very blessed. 

So happy with the amazing little hands we have to hold. 

But, every once in awhile that sting catches me off guard. 

I am reminded of where we were last year. 

Where we might have been if things had been different. 

As I kiss the little foreheads of each of my kids tonight, I will send my extra little kiss and prayer Meech....

Wherever he may be. 

Working on a new normal...

Hard to believe it has been 9 weeks since Meech left. I would love to say I have received updates on how he is now. That I get pictures and phone calls, but I don't. I have received a few texts and that was all. As time and space separate us from him it seems to get harder. Part of grief is like that. The shock and newness have worn off and we are left to deal with a new normal. A normal where we don't listen to frozen anymore because it makes us sad. We avoid monsters inc and jack skellington. Someday we will like them again, but now it makes us sad. To have this little person with us 24 hours a day for an entire year and then one day he is gone is hard. I miss him. I try not to think about it because the pain is awful, but it creeps up on you. Tonight someone asked if I knew how he was. I told them I am sure he is doing well. I know nana loves him and they are a good family with a lot of support. She then said how he could have had such a good life with us. After hours of wondering why God sent him home, I have come to realize the truth. He would of had a great life with us, but he will have a great life with his family too. It may not be the life we would have given him, but being different doesn't make it any less. I know he is destined for bigger things. His personality and sweet nature will pull him through. I would love it if he were here. If we could hear his voice and see his smile one more time. If things had been different. I hate that the system kept him away from his family for so long. That it failed his Aunt and allowed us to fall so deeply in love. The goal of Foster care is for a child to form attachments. For a child to be loved and cared for. Not every foster child is treated like Meech was. As much as it hurts, as much as I hate to see my kids saddened by him leaving, it is not up to us. I can't change anything. I can only tell my children that he is home with his dad. That nana reads to him everynight. That I am sure they bought him a buzz light year and that he looks at our pictures everyday. That he will always remember them. I tell Anna and wy what they need to hear. In reality I hope he has forgotten us. I hope he doesn't remember anything. I hope he keeps the love in his heart, but erases us from his mind. I would never want him to think that we didn't want him. I was his mommy. I would have never let him go if it were in my control. This is Foster care. This is grief. Praying for Meech tonight. Praying that someday I will get a response and an update from nana. Praying for peace and healing in all of our hearts. 

A week and 2 days...

We have made it a week and 2 days without Meech. It is still weird to look around and realize he is not here, but each day it is getting better. The message his Aunt sent me letting me know he was happy was a welcome surprise. Our house has changed so drastically and so quickly without him. Wyatt and I probably took his leaving the hardest- at least outwardly. Anna and TJ are so similar in how they show their emotion. Quietly- in their own time. Wy and I both let it out- crying, yelling, whatever it takes. 

His absence has made Anna and Wy even closer. They have spent most of their time together and seem to appreciate each other even more than before. They have helped one another to grieve and are helping each other go on. They have always been close, but seeing their care for one another through this hard time has been a blessing for me.

The timing of it all has been such a God send. As I sit and wait these final weeks for Sammi to arrive I am so thankful God sent Meech to me for the last year. I am not sure I could have made it through the fears and anxieties of this pregnancy without him as a happy little constant distraction. I didn't plan on doing anything to the nursery until after Sammi was born. But, the room reminded me so much of Meech that I needed it to change. Dad and Tj spent the weekend stripping wallpaper, painting, putting together the crib and hanging pictures. She went from not having a room to having a beautiful nursery. Meech being here helped me to survive this pregnancy, him leaving has helped me get ready for Sammi. The fear of loss makes everything different. I am proud of each little step I have taken to welcome Sammi. Now if she would just make her grand entrance we could put it all to good use. 

As if he were mine...

It's 3 a.m

Wide awake

As if my body

Knows nothing different

I have been awake at 3 a.m

Every night for a year

Awakened by suddle cries

Walking down the hall

To a little voice 

"Mommy rock for you?"

Sitting in our chair 

Until I was sure 

He was sound asleep

Lying him back in his bed 

Hearing "I love you" 

in the sweetest voice

As I pulled the door closed again

Now I lie here

Wondering if he lies awake

Praying he isn't thinking of me

Because I never want him 

To feel this pain

Praying that he forgets

Praying that he moves on

Praying she is rocking him

I can feel the tears well up

My face burning

As I try to hold it back

But the night brings me back

To the days and weeks

To the months

We spent rocking in that chair

To his sweet snuggle

To my love for him 

As I feel the warmth of my tears

Uncontrollably 

Rolling down my cheeks

The silence of the room

So cruelly reminds me

I know he wasn't mine

I know he is okay

But at 3 a.m. 

As I lie awake

those things don't matter

My arms ache for him

My heart longs for him

Just as if 

He were mine. 

He is Gone...

The inevitable heartache has arrived. After weeks of knowing, preparing and dreading it happened. An answer finally came from court today and Meech went to live with his aunt. 

After a phone call telling us they would pick him up in a half hour I put my foot down. I said NO- he is not leaving without saying goodbye to our family. So sis brought the kids home early from school and Tj came home.

 His caseworker was supposed to pick him up, but by the grace of God she was called back to court. So in one turn we were able to avoid her and be able to drop Meech off ourselves.

It gave us time to stop and say goodbye to Nate Granny and a few more hours with him. 

Most importantly it gave our kids the opportunity to meet "nana". 

When we arrived at our meeting spot we had time to sit in the car together and play and snuggle.

When Nana arrived she was so happy to see him. As we got out of the car Anna and Wy were greeted by Nana with open arms to them. She hugged them both and was so kind. She then hugged me and thanked me again. As I handed Meechie over to her he looked at me and began to cry. I told him I loved him and had to walk away. Tj helped Nana's fiancé to pack all of his stuff into their car. The fiancé shook TJ's hand and thanked him or everything. These little things will help in the coming days and weeks. 

We all cried on the way home. Tj immediately took the carseat out and took down his bed. As I sit here it is surreal that he isn't here. Finding buzz light years, diapers and little reminders at every turn. 

As much as we know he will be okay

As much as we know his family loves and wants him

This pain sucks. 

Being without him is awful. 

Grief is the only word that can begin to describe it. 

Having loved someone so much for so long what else could we expect. 

Thanks so much for all of the love and support. 

For a community that has lifted our family and Meechie up in prayers. 

We will forever love this boy and forever be grateful for our time with him. 

Forever and always in our hearts and prayers.... 

We love you Meech. 

Even if you never know...

I wake you each morning

Yet I know you are not mine

I rock you each evening 

On borrowed time

Seeing you change 

Learning more each day

Letting you go

Letting you find your way

Hearing your voice 

Seeing your smile

Watching you love 

Makes every second worth while

Coming to terms

Knowing your leaving 

Praying for your happiness

As we are left grieving

Tomorrow is never promised 

So we live for each day

God has His plans 

As you go on your way 

You are loved and cherished

No matter where you go

In our hearts forever

Even if you never know

Meechless Christmas Cards

As some of you have seen (more stamps and mailing today) Meechie- aka Baby D is not on our Christmas card. I struggled with whether or not to include him. We are trying to prepare ourselves and the kids for him leaving very soon. As difficult as it was to leave him out, this was one way of me preparing myself. He is still with us today and should be a few more weeks.

He is now as much a part of our family as he has been for the past 11 months, but the sad reality is he won't be very soon. He starts his 4 hour community visit with his aunt this week in her home, his new home. At this point we are all doing okay about it. The kids, especially Anna, are happy that he will be with his family. We can only have faith in God that He knows what is best for Meech and for all of us.

We will miss him so much and I can't even think about the day he leaves, but until then we will take each moment together as a blessing. Even two year old tantrum moments:) We will stay as positive as we can and try to accept the things we can't change. Continued prayers are appreciated for all involved. 

Never again...

Well I can't say I didn't try. Today I attempted to reach out to baby D's aunt. I offered my phone number through the visitation facilitator. I knew it would be a holiday and 2 weeks she wouldn't see him- thinking maybe we could meet up and her kids could see him. 

But, She refused to take it. Does not want us to transport to her home or know where she lives. She views us as the enemy. So all of my effort for an easy transition and any hope of keeping up with his little life are dwindling. 

The facilitator from the visit couldn't believe his aunts reaction, knowing how kind my offer was. Knowing I really care about the baby. 

I am even more jaded than before. At this point with him inevitablely leaving we are letting go- and with those surrounding his case being so blatantly mean and rude it is making the process easier. 

I am ready for this to be over and we will never foster again. Baby D's caseworker is to thank for that. They wonder why they don't have good foster parents- because of the unethical and terrible treatment we receive. Unfortunately I never thought race would play a part, but being white has caused issues with the caseworker and now his family. 

It doesn't matter if you want to help, offer your home and your love. This is all such a horrible situation I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Never again- 

Why I will never foster again- 
When you become a foster parent you do it for the children. For the love of helping a child and with the hope you will be together forever. 
Hamilton county sells you on these kids- they plaster their faces on the Internet, pamphlets, Facebook pages, commercials - wherever they can. 
Then you decide to help. 
You choose an agency, have 36 hours of training, umpteen visits for a homestudy- turn your life upside down to help a child. 
You think the private agency will make a difference but in reality they have no more say than you do. 
You sign up for this- yet 
you are treated like the enemy. 
You are treated like the criminal. 
You are treated like the kid on the team who no one is willing to tell the play. 
In the past 10 months as foster parents we have been bullied, intimidated, lied to and put in bad situations. 
We have been sent to the limits of our comfort zone and been played against the birth family. We have been given short notice and no notice yet expected to change everything to accommodate. 
Throughout the last 10 months of this case this child has come into our home- had 24 hour care like he was one of our own. He has formed attachments, learned to talk, learned how to be in a family and become a smart and active toddler.  Yet we have only received negative feedback about trying to have him attach to us and not to his family. We have been to every single visit requested over the past 10 months. We have sent pictures, cards and done our best to have a good relationship when coming into contact with family members at court and at visitation. 

Our family has never been mistreated the way we have been from HCJFS. The Caseworker's attitude towards our family has been a problem since day one. We have done nothing to deserve the treatment we have received. 
There are families I have known who have thought about fostering- I have warned them to never do it. There is no best interest of the child- it is get the caseload of the desk. These kids are a number. 
Everyone knows the system is a mess- but the last thing I thought would be our biggest issue would be the woman who is supposed to protect our foster son. 

So much for my bleeding heart. For trying to save a little piece of the world. It has ended in turmoil and tears for the family I will protect first and foremost. I know we have made a huge impact on his life. But, as his GAL told me today. When it comes to foster care you cannot save a world that doesn't want to be saved. So never again- never again- NEVER AGAIN. 

Birthday ...

Baby D turns 2 today. We woke him up with a round of happy birthdays and his choice of "ritos" aka Doritos for breakfast. 

I dressed him in his birthday boy shirt and fixed his hair. 

After hugs and kisses I packed him in the car to head to his visit. After last weeks positive experience with his Aunt I was hopeful. I didn't realize when we got there he would have so many arms waiting for him. 

His Aunt was there along with her two daughters and grandson, another aunt and his great grandma. They had cupcakes and a card and balloons for him.

As his Aunt walked towards him to greet him he looked a little nervous with all of the people. She showed him his balloons and he lit up "mike and sully"! She had remembered that I had told her he liked monsters inc and Mickey Mouse at court and bought those for him. 

When I came back to pick him up I was able to spend a few minutes talking to his family. As much as I never thought I would feel this way my heart breaks for them. This is his family- those who cared for him from birth. The woman who cried for him when he was taken and had done all she thought she could to try and get him back. These women are the reason he was happy and well cared for before he came to us. 

I never thought I would call his GAL  and tell him I think he needs more time with his family. That he needs to spend the holidays with them. But, if inevitablely this is how our time with him ends it is best for all of us.

 D deserves to get to know them again. He deserves to be with his family that wants him and loves him. They have done nothing wrong. They have never stopped loving him. 

The idea of him leaving and never seeing him again is excruciating. I never want him to think that we didn't want him and love him. To think of how much Anna and Wy mean to him. How much he means to them. How he loves the only Daddy he has ever known. To think about how much mama and papa love him- and sissy and the kids. He loves his pepaw and granny Nate.  He knows and expects these people in his life. He asks for them by name and loves them. I can barely bring myself to think that I won't be his mommy.  I pray he is young enough and resilient enough that he doesn't really realize how much things have changed. Just that he has gone from one family to another that loves him more than anything. 

I pray he never feels the pain that I am feeling as I type these words and think of him leaving. 

I need to keep my faith that God has known all along what Baby D needs. That His plans will lead him to a happy and safe life with the family who loves him. And that we can somehow see him grow if only through pictures. 

So many unknowns. 

So bittersweet. 

As I took him from the visit today I thought of his family. Watching me walk away with him, as they wait for him to come home. 

Praying for the two families who love him so much and for the baby who has so much love. 

9 months - broken hearts

Today my heart broke a little. I realized that our greatest fears in foster care are slowly coming true. After nearly 9 months of love and dedication it seems Baby D is starting into the process of leaving. As we walked away from the courthouse today the tears gushed beyond my control. There is nothing we can do. It is not possible for us to love him anymore than we do. Yet we have no say- no control- nothing. The system has failed his mother. Now we watch as the system has made an already bad situation worse by prolonging this case months beyond necessary. This should have been done in March. Before he called me mommy. Before he loved his daddy.

Before he knew how to get to papa and mama's house.

Before he fell head over heals for Nanny and Wy.

Before he learned Sissy always has a drink to share. Before he stole our hearts.

Before he knew the difference. 

Now after 9 months - nearly half his life he has to be reintroduced to a woman who says she has wanted him all along. A woman who says she cried for months when he left and thinks of him daily. A woman who raised him from birth until he was taken from her at 9 months - and then again until he came into our care. She seems to genuinely love him. She seems intelligent and capable. Like someone who may actually wake and rock him. She says she has submitted her paperwork on numerous occasions and has fallen through the cracks.

As much as I want him forever and I never want to let him go- even as the tears well up in my eyes writing this- I believe her.

 

The county has been awful to us. Treated us like enemies and lied to get what they want. I can't imagine being on the other side of this system. 

It makes me ill to even begin to think of him leaving. Of trying to help him understand that we love him and want him and we never want to let him go. 

To think of telling my kids that he will leave- even though they have always known, Streams tears down my face. 

We are all in love with him. 

 

After this long it will be a tremendous heartbreak for our entire family. 

I pray that his Aunt will keep her word and let us be a part of his life. 

I still can't believe these words as I type them- but in order to deal - I need to acknowledge the inevitable is near. 

I will never know God's plan- when we started this I never thought it would end in loss for our family. I can't say I would have done it had I known for sure it would end in heartbreak. 

The poetic injustice of it all as a bablyoss mom is that the big court date next Tuesday will be exactly 9 months to the day that he was placed with us. 

Asking for continued prayers for baby D our family and his Aunt as we all deal with these changes. Visits start tomorrow and he will be reintroduced to the woman who cared for him from birth. 

Prayers - peace- hope and faith that things will work out for the best and the God shows us gently what that is. 

.