Faith in Love

I have grown up so lucky. Not only have I grown up in a house filled with love for my sister and I, but in a house where my parents loved each other as well. These two have been through hell and back and have done it hand in hand. They are a big part of the reason I am married to the wonderful man I am today, because I was blessed to have such an incredible example. Even though I know my parents aren't your "average" married couple - together 40 years now, sometimes I see a glimpse of this love in a different way. My dad posts something simple on his Facebook page and it melts my heart - makes my day and gives me hope and faith in love all over again.

Sometimes I have to remind myself...

Sometimes I have to remind myself that he was not born to me. He is ours in every way. He has his daddy's sense of humor, his listening ears (or lack there of!) and the hop in his step. He has my mannerisms, he has my attitude and he has my love of Target. But most of all he has our hearts. He has also lived through things that i will never know. Things I never want to know. Sometimes I have to remind myself that even though he knows love now ...there is a time he may have not. Even after 3 years he feels better with a cup of juice in one hand and a sandwich in the other. He may not want them now, but he knows they are his. Little things like this that remind me that he has a history - 14 months that are mostly undocumented. Did he dress up for Halloween? Did he have his first birthday party? I will never know. The best I can do is make sure that every memory he makes from 3 years ago forward is one to make him feel safe, secure and happy. So I have to remind myself that sometimes when he does something to make his dad and I crazy he is a little boy - a crazy, happy, well adjusted little boy- who has been through hell and back before we found each other. We are so lucky to be a family and to share our lives. He has made Anna a wonderful sister and even more compassionate than she was before. He has changed everyone around him for the better. So those days when I scream his name as I find deodorant "painted" on the walls and apple juice covering my floors, I know that he knows no matter what -he is loved.

tiny Angel big impact

Today was an interesting day. Today was a solemn day.  Today God once again threw me for a loop in this life I am leading.  this morning I was privileged to be at the baby garden to pay my respects to sweet Jonah.  As I approached this place that has been a second home to my family for the past 5 years of course it all came flooding back.  The many hours I sat and cried grieving for Emma and for Connor.  The amazing "coincidence" of running into an old friend and discovering our babies were buried just a few feet from each other.  Remembering Anna as just a toddler hopping from stone to stone. Laughing to myself thinkingof Wyatt trying to pick up the toys left on the headstones. Seeing the plots fill so quickly and wondering what each baby's story was. This place is a very big part of our "normal".
Today I walked up to Jonah's casket, sitting by his 2 brothers and his sister's graves. As his four living siblings watched their Mama cry and tried to understand.  I hugged Jonah's mom and realized standing by me were mom's that I have known about, but never met.  Those that I have been inspired by and cried for, yet I didn't really "know" them.  Today we all stood at the foot of the baby garden, where our babies rest, and we came together for our friend.  For those who feel alone in grief, the baby loss mom does not have to be one.  We are proud to speak of our babies.  We will be there for one another.  We understand the pain and the importance of each little moment.  We know what it means to have someone care for our baby, to hold our baby, to love our baby, so we give the same in return.
Today I met a few women in person that I have "known" quite well online.  In the Anencephaly community I have never felt alone.  The mothers all come together and support one another.  In my small part of town, we did the same today.
I have heard stories of a baby born with Trisomy 18 from Jonah's mom.  I have prayed for this woman and her child.  I have thought of them often, today when I met her I realized that she used to be my next door neighbor.  I lived next to this woman for 4 years.  I also found out that on our tiny cul de sac another mom across the street lost a baby to Trisomy 18.  12 houses - 12 families and 4 babies lost to fatal birth defects.  The world could not get any smaller. 
I spent more time talking to this woman in 2 hours than I did in 4 years.  Now we are never going to forget one another, now we are both a part of "the club".
When God sent me on this path of loss I never felt alone.  Today I felt lucky to be in the presence of people with such faith and love.  I couldn't help but smile when I left Jonah's house this morning after the service.  As sad as I am for his mother and father, as much as it hurt to watch his siblings cry and to know they are in pain, his little life brought these women into mine.  Jonah will forever hold a place in my heart, because he helped me to not be scared to meet the people that have helped me so much.  As his parents and family grieve his loss tonight I hope it helps bring a little peace that this little man made a big impact on my life.


God Bless Sweet Jonah -

Face of an Angel

Today I had the privilege to be face to face with an angel. Sweet Jonah spent 21 weeks and 5 days in his mommy's belly. He brought joy and hope to a family that has felt loss before. Today his mother and father planned his memorial and his burial. I won't start to try and figure things out. There is no reason no rational way to sort this through in my head. My heart breaks for this family. My mind reels as I smile at his beauty and remember my babies. Knowing the importance of not only acknowledging, but accepting, loving and seeing her baby. Sometimes it is so hard to have hope. Just when you think you have healed enough that you can let your fear go, something happens. A sweet baby boy, perfect in every way, is gone. How can we keep our faith? How can we have hope when we see these things happen? When tears well up in his mothers eyes a she talks about the hope she had for him. The things they were going to do together, because this time it was going to be different. Some days I just don't know how to feel. Today I have felt a tug on my heart. I feel less than hopeful wondering what my future holds, back- to my what ifs. As I stood and held Jonah, so perfectly formed I wonder why. So many questions never answered. So many prayers, so much hope, shattered dreams. Praying for peace. Praying for answers. Praying for the family of sweet Jonah.

Conversations with Wy

Today we were driving home from school and wy looked up in the sky. He said I wish I could fly. I asked him like a bird or a plane? He said no like a Human. I laughed. He continued, like a human who has shoes with fire and I can fly up and up. Oh, I said, like a super hero; like turbo man? Yes like a superhero. So I asked him what he would do if he could fly. He said I would fly all the way up and get Austin and then I would bring him back down to Aiden. That would be a great idea Wy, he would love that. Oh the thoughts this little one has...

A little bit of a Christmas Miracle....

This morning I walked into a happy chaos of second graders and gingerbread houses.  Parents and kids finishing up their sweet creations, some covered head to toe in icing.  It took a minute for me to even find him, but then I saw him and called his name.  He looked up with such happiness in his eyes. He ran over and hugged me, not knowing I was coming to see his Gingerbread play.  He was genuinely happy I was there.  He is a happy kid.  He is a sweet kid.  I know this.  I knew he would be happy to see me, but once again, as he has in the past months, he had this profound effect on me.  As I sat and watched him sing along to his gingerbread songs tears came to my eyes.  I am in awe that he sits before me so perfectly seven and a half years old.  So happy to be wherever he is, so full of life and so full of love.  It is like watching our little Christmas miracle. 

Five months ago this same child sat sick in a hospital.  Diagnosed with a horrible illness that our family has only known as a death sentence.  At that point none of us were sure what was going to happen.  We had hope, we had prayer, but we had fear.  Seeing him now is like seeing our own miracle.  I can't help but to look at him and see that he realizes this too.  This is a little boy who loves life.  He is the most caring boy I have ever met and would do anything to make you smile.  He is funny, he is compassionate and he is so smart.  It seems that this Christmas as we are thankful for all of those we love around us, I will once again find myself giving him a few extra hugs.  Because I am quite certain he is a miracle that we have been blessed with this season. 

Team B&B

When Love is meant to be
there is a look in your eyes
there is a skip in your step
there is a spark that illuminates you

when love is meant to be
it doesn't seem to matter
how long you have waited
to find your perfect match
because you always knew
they were out there
abiding to complete you 

 it seems that now you have
found one another
it is clear
you were always
meant to be
destined to be
written in the stars
dreamt into reality

 it doesn't seem to matter
where you go from here
because no matter
where forever leads
you will always be
together