Little pink ruffles

This little pink ruffle outfit may look like any other pink ruffle outfit. But, it isn't. This is the one outfit I bought months before Sam was born.

I was at TJ Maxx with my dear friend Adrianne and Meech. I saw it, on clearance of course, and put it in the cart. As any baby loss mom knows buying things for your baby is hard. Even if you want to believe they will someday wear it, history has been written different for other babies. This little pink outfit was my way of telling myself that it was going to be okay- my baby would be okay. This little pink outfit was only $3, but the significance of me purchasing it was worth so much more. 

Can't believe she is already big enough to fill out this perfect pink outfit. My perfect girl. God is good. 

Baby wait...

Twenty pounds up from a year ago. 

Nearly 8 weeks postpartum.

Ten years ago I would have been stressing. 

Worrying about losing the weight. Trying on every pair of jeans and feeling defeated as they failed to button. 

Not this time.

Not today. 

This time I am happy in my "big jeans". 

Proud of each stretch mark. 

The last time I carried the extra baby weight I did not have a baby to carry. 

I had the body of a woman postpartum. 

Without the joy of the baby.

I I lost my baby weight 

As I dealt with the loss of my baby. 

Today I am blessed. 

I can sit here with twenty of the forty pounds I gladly gained. 

I can sit here with ten perfect pounds in my arms. 

It is hard this day in age, with everyone body conscious, to focus on the miracle before you as you struggle with the new body pregnancy has left you. 

For me I have spent so long waiting for my healthy baby that it more than makes up for the baby weight. 

Rainbows and memories ...

Every once in awhile God places circumstances in front of you that lead you to people meant to be a part of your life. On a late Spring afternoon nearly 7 years ago I ran Into an old friend at the cemetery. She told me about an amazing organization, Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, that came to the hospital the day her angel was born. This woman who came and took pictures of her son. I hadn't known such a thing existed when I had Emma. Months later when I found out I was pregnant with Connor I decided to contact them. Because of our diagnosis we were able to have a maternity session. We contacted the local photographer who volunteered for NILMDTS. From the moment we met Tricia we knew she was special. She was loving and supportive, upbeat and fast talking. She had wonderful artistic ideas and made our maternity shoot a positive experience.

The next time we saw her was the day Connor was born. She was there standing outside of the door as he came into this world. She then spent hours with our family and captured the only day we will ever have him in our arms.

Those pictures are some of our most cherished possessions.

Over the next few years she had angel celebrations for the families she had photographed for and brought many of us into a network of friends. I was able to nominate her for the Cincinnati Museum Center difference maker awards, which she of course was honored with! Tricia has become a part of all of the important things in our lives.

She was with us at the courthouse the day Wy was adopted

She took our pictures this year to announce my pregnancy with Sammi.

Last week we had a dream come true when we took our family to her studio, Get the Picture Photography in St. Bernard, and had Sammi's newborn pics taken. We have come a long way together. Tricia has captured our journey and now it is coming full circle with our rainbow. Our miracle. 

     

So happy we have had Tricia come into our lives and that she has created these visual memories that we will cherish forever. 

1 week

A year ago tonight was the third night Meech spent with us. A week ago tonight  I was in the middle of a long two hours of pushing. Tonight I am sitting watching Golden Girls while watching my perfect baby girl sleep. If I have learned anything in the past 8 years it is that life is all about perspective. 

As I reflect on the past 7 days so many things have been made clearer. I often said when going through losing Meech that I knew God had a plan, I just wish I knew what it was. Now I feel like I can see a little more of the plan he had made for me. The timing of Meech's arrival in our family and the timing of him leaving are not by chance. I believe God sent him to me, for me and for Sammi. I honestly don't know how I would have been able to make it through my pregnancy without the 24 hour happy distraction he brought. He kept me busy. His case kept me distracted. He kept our entire family in a place of happy chaos. The timing of him leaving was no less a coincidence than the time he was here. Nineteen days before Sammi came. I am not sure I would have ever had the strength to make her nursery if I hadn't had the sadness of losing him. Needing his room to change made me want to do her room. We had time to grieve for him and let ourselves heal before Sammi came, but not enough time to be without a baby for long. 

Last Saturday when we left for the hospital it pained me to let TJ put the carseat in. I didn't even want to bring it to the hospital. I wasn't convinced I was leaving with a baby. After the trauma of labor and delivery, my recovery and My fears there was nothing more rewarding than bringing her home. When we walked through the door TJ even commented on how amazing it was to walk through the door with her- to bring her home. We know what a gift this is because the last two times we had babies we walked through those doors empty handed. Broken hearted. I will admit I am more nervous this time than I was as a first time mom. Not fearful of caring for a newborn, but for all of the scary things in life. But, fear is something that comes with loss. I am also grateful and so happy for each little smile and yawn.

Each time she cries and each time she stretches. It's hard to believe that it has only been a week because we feel like we have been loving her forever.

Anna and Wyatt are amazingly helpful and love her so much. She is what we needed. The feeling I had that our family wasn't complete- that feeling that led us back to foster care. The feeling that brought Meech into our life. That incomplete feeling is gone. I knew that we were not meant to be a family of 4. I just didn't know what God had in store for us. All along it was Sammi who was meant to be the final member of our family. Our amazing 5 kids- 2 in Heaven, 1 amazing little boy, and our 2 miracle daughters.

God may not always show us where we are headed, but makes it worth the ride if we keep the faith. 

Welcoming Sammi

The past few days have been a whirlwind. Every time I look at my sweet baby I am astonished by her presence. I am overwhelmingly thankful and completely at peace. Even as we left for the hospital early Saturday morning I wasn't convinced we were coming home with a baby. As my labor was very difficult and many issues arose I was further into believing she wasn't going to happen. Each tiny scare- each pain - each moment was like a nightmare. I can't explain it. Luckily our nurses and doctor were simply amazing. We had the same nurse for the first 12 hours. We were her only patient and it felt like she had been sent from God just for us. My previous labor and deliveries were easy. I progressed quickly- pushed and delivered in 30 minutes. This time things did not go that way. After an epidural that didn't really take, two other meds to relax to get it in, blood pressure meds for dropping to 60/35 - 5 redoses of epidural and all of the fluid to boot, you would think I felt good. But, the pain was nothing like I had ever felt before. At 6;00 pm I was ready to push- then the doctor said I had a "lip" of my cervix left and the baby is positioned wrong. So I laid a way to turn her myself and waited. It was not until 3 hours later that it was time. I then pushed for 2 hours and 6 minutes. I was convinced she was never coming out. I had all but given up when the doctor said two more pushed and she's out. I felt every part of the last 1 1/2  hours of pushing- but I did it. When she came out the laid her on my chest. Memories of Connor came flooding back, until she cried. The most amazing sound. She was perfect.

As I had to lay and wait to be poked and prodded Tj was with her.

Once I was ready for her they told us her breathing wasn't where they wanted it to be and she had to stay in her Isolette. After 17 hours - after 9 months- after nearly 6 years of grieving Connor- I needed to hold my baby. It was over an hour later that my dreams came true. I held this amazing miracle.

The kids and our families had waited all night to meet her and came back to see her.

It was after midnight at this point and they didn't stay long. They wore their new shirts 3 days in a row to make sure she saw them though. We were taken to the mom baby unit and so began our stay.

I have had a problem in my recovery-praying for a short fix for this less than 1% of vaginal deliveries occurring issue.  Then we had the little jaundice that kept us at the hospital an extra day.

She had 21 hours of photo therapy and the doctor was happy with the result and we came home yesterday. I can't tell you the feeling I had when the wheelchair was brought to our room. That moment was the worst moment the last time I was in a hospital. Yesterday it was the best- going down the hall with my baby in my arms.

Nothing could ever explain that feeling.

Now we have been home a little over 24 hours. Walking through the front door with her was such a gift. I hadn't let myself ever get to the point of planning on doing that. She has allowed me to love her in my time  and Thankfully I was immediately in love. I do not want to put her down. I cannot even explain how much I love this baby.

A miracle.

She has been a rough one getting into this world, but an amazing baby since entering it. So if you see me and want to hold my baby, just know I may very well never let her go! Thanks for the thoughts and prayers...

34 year milestones

I am proud of myself today. 

Early on in this pregnancy I wasn't sure I could shop for this baby. 

The fear of my past realities has scarred me. The thought of having things I can't use (again) is a nightmare- but I am not letting fear overtake my happiness. 

Feeling Sammi move around and seeing her healthy ultrasounds give me the hope I need. Trusting in God and that He has planned her arrival from the very beginning continue to bring me peace. 

Today we registered at Babies R Us. Nine years after the first time we did it. This time Anna held the scanner and we chose things as a family.

It was fun and felt really good to have the great feeling that I will be using the stuff we scanned. 

 Sammi will be getting baths and sleeping in her crib. She will be using bottles and Binkys. I will need burp cloths to clean up baby puke! 

Today was a good day. I have come a long way- the things that may seem like a normal part of pregnancy are never just normal after loss. 

My new normal and 5 1/2 years of healing have lead me to a place I can enjoy my pregnancy. I can enjoy thinking forward and dreaming of the day she is here. 

This pregnancy was a total surprise. God taught us a long time ago we are not in control and life is all in His time. So glad He knew when I would not only be able to handle, but to really appreciate and enjoy pregnancy again.

 I consider today a little milestone in my pregnancy and in my grief. I would pat myself on the back, but Baby kicks beat a pat on the back anyday.