Little Triggers....

Grief triggers...they can come out of nowhere.  It always amazes me how they can seemingly come from thin air and be all consuming immediately.  I am lucky that I don't have many things that bring these on for me, unlike Austin's mom who has to deal with the feelings everyday from seeing something as simple as a little boy with brown hair or an icee machine, but I had it happen the other night.  

Anna and I decided to have a little "date" and go see Annie Jr at the school up the street.  We had our popcorn and were all set in our seats, when I looked a few rows in front of us and there she was.  My number 1 grief trigger, a virtual stranger.  There is a woman who is about my age.  She was sitting with her daughter who is about Anna's age, maybe a little younger.  When I was pregnant with Connor she was pregnant.  Every Sunday we went to St. Dominic for mass and every Sunday she and her husband sat in the same pew, two sections over.  As my belly grew each week I watched hers grow.  For 7 months I went to mass every single Sunday, for seven months I watched her pregnancy progress along with mine.  Then one Sunday she wasn't there.  I figured she had gone into labor and I was secretly both loathing and excitedly anticipating the week she would return...and she did.  With her husband, her daughter and her two baby boys.  Twins.  I have to admit part of me had the "it's not fair, why does she get 2" thought passing through my head, but alas I knew that was silly.  As I went to mass for the next 3 weeks of my pregnancy I saw them come and go each week.  Blissfully happy and blissfully unaware of me sitting 2 sections over watching them each week.  

After I had Connor we decided to try and go back to Mass.  Sitting in the same pew I had sat and prayed in for the last 8 months somehow felt different.  Glancing over to see this family, this woman and her babies, while I sat with T.J. as we tried to heal our broken hearts, I decided that this wasn't where I needed to be anymore.  As much as the mass had helped me through my pregnancy it reminded me of too much to be a happy place anymore.

It has been 3 years since then.  This woman lives near me, knows people I know, seems to be many places I go and yet every time I see her I get this pang in my gut.  This reminder of what coulda, woulda, shoulda, might have been..... I wonder if she has ever noticed me.

here it comes...

Connor' s birthday is in 2 days... 3 years ago tomorrow I was headed to the hospital. I had my baby's blanket, his clothes, his stuffed "bun bun" , yet my backseat had no infant seat. My home had a crib, but not meant for him. It was meant for "someone" who we hadn't even met and weren't sure we ever would. That night T.J. and I entered a floor in the hospital where happy things happened. Where screams turned into smiles and heartache was not "normal". After hours of waiting, things happened just as I had prayed. My labor and delivery were super fast....so fast in fact my doctor ran into the room to catch Connor. Tonight as T.J. opened up about how he has been feeling for the passed few weeks he told me something I never knew. He said that he can still see the look on my doctor's face when Connor was born. Like he had just had a life changing experience. this being the doctor I fought with and essentially told off to get the prenatal care my child and I deserved. This doctor who did not believe one ounce in carrying to term, but who had not only remained my doctor, but found out his daughter was pregnant with his first grandchild during my pregnancy. I haven't seen him since, but you can damn sure bet I email him every story I find of a child with a "fatal" birth defect who surpasses their life expectancy, or lack there of.
T.j. and I talked about Connor and the things we wish we could remember. The weight of his body, the smell of his head. I used to be able to press his blanket against my face so I could only breathe the air that once surrounded him, but his smell is gone. It is just air. Cold, stale air. Thank God for NILMDTS and our photographer. Sometimes I feel like I am forgetting and as dumb as it sounds, like i am not sad enough or I can't feel enough for Connor. Then I watch the video she made us and it all comes back.
Poor T.J. shares a birthday weekend with Connor. It is odd to think of what joy it should bring a parent to share that with their child. T.J.'s mom's birthday is the day after his...a happy day. His mom spent her birthday in the hospital with her baby boy and took him home to celebrate together for the rest of forever. T.J. spent his birthday in the hospital watching me eat cold sausage next to an empty bassinet waiting for the doctor to release us. He was forced to go get the car and stay at the pick up area where I arrived with empty arms and eyes full of tears where we went home and held Anna like we had never held her before. It seems for the last 3 years and probably from now until he is 90....birthdays suck more than they used to.
Here is to hoping and praying that each year the sting gets less or maybe more? sometimes the pain makes the memories seem more like a real life experience than some movie you watched a while back. I guess I will leave this one, as I have so many other things, up to God.

Happy 4th Birthday Super Wy

Well Wy, today you are 4~ Such a big boy ! You are so smart and funny and a joy to be around. You love to play outside in your rock piles and to swing and play pirates with Anna. You love blowing bubbles, being Darth vadar and Captain Hook and to drive your sister crazy! The two of you are the best of friends and the worst of enemies and back and forth within minutes, perfect siblings! You are almost done with your first year of preschool and you have done so well! Mommy almost didn't send you this year and you have gone above and beyond what I had hoped for you! You love all of your school friends and "Jenny Amarno" who you talk about constantly! I am so happy to see you succeed in a whole new little world that doesn't always include Mommy~
You love to talk and to sing and as Daddy says you are never "quiet wyatt"~ You love to talk about your favorite people and then look the other way when they are around to talk to you! You are still quite the dog lover and never leave Bubba alone! I am convinced he loves you just as much though because I have caught him snuggling up by you when you are sleeping. You still love your apple juice and would choose that over any food or drink I offer you! You love to eat "shashage" and any kinds of fruit and aren't too big on sweets....other than your "two mints" you get at Grandma's house.
You have become this little person now with your own wants and desires that you are so proud to share with others. You can go golfing with Daddy, play squinkies with Anna, run with the big boys and pat the babies heads. My favorite is when you snuggle up to Mommy only to decide you would rather watch your shows alone! You are very social, but will still let everyone know when you need some quiet time....usually by yelling "be quiet, I can't hear". Trying to teach you to always use your manners has been a bit harder than it was for your sister, but you are always sure to stop and rephrase yourself with an added please! You love playing with "Grew and Namalie" outside and with Ben at school. Your favorite friend is still your beloved "Syn" and boy as the two of you get older the more "bad news bears" you become! You are such a joy to be around and your eyes and smile can light up a room. I can't wait to see what 4 brings you and how much you will change this year! I love you sweet boy~ Happy Birthday.

So very lucky...

four years ago tomorrow
you came into this world
seven pounds seven ounces
black hair on your head
perfectly formed by God
carried in the womb
and bared by another
always in the heart
of your birth mother
wondering how she feels
as she waits for this day
knowing she must think of you
as her demons pave her way
As for me
I get the blessing
to watch you grow
to tackle you with kisses
catch you when you fall
be here by your side
when you want to snuggle
listen to you talk
laugh at your jokes
smile when you are ornery
what else can I do
four years old
so smart and aware
you ask about your "old house"
I tell you and show you where
then I ask you
where did mommy carry you
before we found each other
the sweetest words I can hear
you whisper close to me
"mommy carried me in her heart"
with that smile
with those eyes
with a big smooch and a hug
so lucky
so very lucky

Balloons

Earlier this week I posted about a few things that happened during Emma's week that seemed a little too coincidental to be just that. Tonight another one of those things happened that has not only warmed my heart, but answered a little question I have always wanted to know.
Today is Emma's Birthday. She would be 4. I remember a few years ago sobbing in the middle of Krogers wondering which balloons to buy her, not knowing her preference. This year it was an easy choice, Pooh, because Anna and Wyatt are both into Pooh and Friends right now. We chose a few balloons to go with it, pink, blue and two shades of purple. We took the balloons to the cemetery and sang happy birthday. We stayed for awhile enjoying the wonderful weather and while we were there minutes apart two of the balloons popped. The pink and the blue. As we watched the remaining balloons fly I mentioned to T.J. that purple must be Emma's favorite color. We went home and played outside and I hadn't thought much more of it until just after sundown the doorbell rang. It was my mom and dad, standing in the doorway, with 2 purple balloons. I had tears in my eyes as I told them that is was so weird they brought two purple balloons. My mom had a look in her eye and looked right at my dad and said "see I told you". Seems she knew when there were 2 purple balloons together that those were the ones to bring. We are so blessed in this life to receive these signs and to be able to be open enough to really see them. As Anna and Wy let the balloons into the night sky we watched as they stayed within feet of each other all the way until they disappeared. Seems Emma let us know that she likes purple today, coincidentally it is now Anna's favorite color too.

Happy Birthday sweet girl....

Four Years

It is so odd to me how sometimes in a grief season the it is not only the dates that are hard, but the days as well. When we got Emma's diagnosis it was on a Monday, she died on a Thursday. The days that the dates have fallen on have changed each year since, but Monday was still weird and today has been the same. On the day of her diagnosis it snowed 4 years ago. On Monday, after a mild winter with no snow, it snowed. I have had eerie signs and signals from all over this week. The snow, random things Anna has done - completely unprompted, a phone call to go back to our old house and most importantly, an email. From someone I haven't spoken to since Emma died. Four years today I got the email.
Sometimes I feel like God is literally talking to me, letting me know he has not forgotten what I have come through and showing me reasons why I can continue to be strong. Reminding me that my babies lives have not been forgotten and that they have made a huge difference in not only our lives, but others as well. I found out a good friend's child was born with a disorder. Although not life threatening, scary and a huge surprise none the less. She is so lucky to have been born into an amazing, accepting and loving family. With a mother who would have her no other way than how God made her. But I have to say, her birth made me sit and think long and hard if I had a child, before I lost Emma, how would I have handled it? How would I have felt without knowing what I know now? Of course I would have loved the baby, but I wouldn't have had the gift to see life the way I do if it hadn't been for my baby girl. Emma changed every fiber of my being. Losing her made me a different person than I was before. She made me view life and death, birth, pregnancy, motherhood, myself differently. She made me question things I had never thought to question before, enjoy things I had taken for granted and ask for more out of others than I had.
Four years. Saturday will be 4 years since the date of her diagnosis - Tuesday will be her 4th birthday. Last night I sent out an evite for Wy's 4th birthday party. Yesterday I talked with Austin's mom about how it will be the same amount of time that Austin was here. Four years. It has been a long 4 years....

Teeny Baby Wyatt...

A few weeks ago I posted a blog about Wyatt asking about when he was little. Wanting to see baby pictures of himself and asking where they were. As so many times in my life before, God was listening. The next day I got a phone call from Bug's mom. She was able to contact the hospital he was born in and was getting the newborn pictures that were taken in the hospital! I was so excited by this idea I did the same as soon as I hung up, 2 weeks later our mail finally came!! So 3 years and 10 months later we are so happy to share "Baby" Wyatt!