How many times is "Over and Over Again"

According to Albert Einstein, Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.  As I sit and stew in my own thoughts of the future, of the future of our family, this old quote keeps flooding my mind.  I know how blessed I am.  I have been so lucky to have two beautiful, healthy, smart, sweet and on and on and on....children to raise and to love.  I know that things with Wyatt happened as easily as they did, because they were meant to.  I know that life has been really hard at times and wonderfully easy at times.
 Looking back I can see how the whole story unfolded into the wonderful life we live now.  But, being on the other end of it is not so simple.  Trying to see where we are headed.  What is "meant to be".  I know this drives TJ nuts, why can't I just leave well enough alone.  We have everything we need.  We have a wonderful complete family.  But, how do you know when your family is complete? I struggle with the thought of no more babies.  No more little ones.  Then in the same thought I am so happy that we are so settled together.  That there are no babies eating every 2 hours at night, crying when they are hungry and diapers to change.  We have come into this happy place that we are in through a long road.   This is the part where you can go somewhere last minute on a whim.  Where your kids are somewhat self sufficient and can play together and on their own.  Where you can leave them for a few minutes without fearing they will hurt themselves. 
But, then I come back to the what ifs.   What if I hadn't looked and found Wyatt? What if I hadn't moved forward in trying to get him?  What if I got pregnant again?  What if the baby could be healthy? What if we were meant to try again? This is where Albert Einstein comes into play....how many times is "over and over again"? In our case it would be 3 times in a row with the same result.  But, could time and space help us here? Would there be a possibility that I could carry and give birth to a healthy baby?
It seems like right now everyone around me is either pregnant or has a baby.  Baby fever is a normal thing for Mom's, but where would it lead me? It has been 4 years of healing since Connor.  We are in a great place right now.  If I were to get pregnant and the baby did have Anencephaly we would be back to that awful place.  Back to those feelings we have worked through for years.  Back to the pain.  This time around it would be different too, because the kids would understand.  Anna was only 3 with Connor.  Now she is almost 7 and Wyatt is almost 5.  They understand the concept of having a baby.  Of bringing the baby home.  But, what if the baby was healthy.  What if this whole "plan" was to have Wyatt be our son in between our 2 birth children? What if I had a healthy baby, I had Anna, it could happen, right?
This is the mess that goes on in my head before I fall asleep at night.  I have tried to research the recurrence of Anencephaly and most people (everyone else I know!!) have gone on to have more healthy babies....but now I am in the realm of more than 1.  I have already had 2 babies with it and a miscarriage.  So are my chances worth the risk? There are no guarantees in life.  Not in adoption.  Not in giving birth.  Not in life. 
It is times like these I am waiting for some kind of sign.  Something to tell me which path to follow and where it will lead me.  Then it seems like I take everything as a sign of some sort!
As I sat with my sister this morning and had this very discussion my phone rang.  It was my Ob/Gyn calling to set up my appointment.  I have been going to this doctor for 15 years and they have never called me to set up my appointment.  Sign? Coincidence? Maybe just God getting a giggle out of seeing me squirm.  I guess no matter what happens in the future I don't have too much of a say.  For now I will enjoy and love each moment with my amazing little family.  If anything is for certain I can tell from experience that God knows what He is doing.  It is just all in His time. 

Elf Envy

By this point I think everyone is well aware of "The Elf on the Shelf".  We were given ours as a gift from T.J.'s cousin 5 years ago...before it was cool! We hadn't really done much with it until last year.


  Last Christmas the kids named him Chippy and we read the story.  Then we started all of the fun things, Chippy on a date with Cinderella, riding in a rocket ship.  Nothing too big until this year.  My husband has found a new love.  Helping Chippy get into all sorts of mischief.  I am not the one behind any of this.  I am pretty sure he has spent hours at night thinking of what he will do next.  he not only does it, but there are details! The kids are so excited every morning and I have to say so am I.

However, having such an awesome Elf causes for some problems....Elf Envy.
My sister's Elf is not as exciting.  My Nephew,Corey, hears Anna's stories of what Chippy has done each
morning and wonders why Buddy doesn't do something similar.  So in turn, (Hee hee hee) My sister has been forced to put a little more effort than was originally planned into her "elf"! Corey has  helped a bit by setting up dollhouses and cars in hopes that buddy would play along, which he has.

 Each time I post a new Elf picture I can feel my sisters eyes roll a little further back into her head, the little things in life that make me giggle.  This is why we have the relationship that we do now.  She can tell me that my Elf drives her nuts, I can laugh and tell her she has Elf Envy.  Seems Chippy and Buddy have a little rivalry of their own!

Another Mom's thoughts....

I have been blessed to have been a part of an online Literary magazine called Still Standing.  It publishes poems, stories and essays that have been written regarding loss, infertility and adoption.  It has been a wonderful place that I have been able to share a few of my pieces and where I have found comfort in knowing I am never alone in this crazy world that is grieving.  Today I found something written by another Mom.  If I looked inside of myself for words that made more sense and felt more true I don't think I could find them.  So for today I am sharing this Mom's story...this mom's take on d-day, anniversaries, loss and life after.  


http://stillstandingmag.com/2012/12/what-the-anniversaries-look-like-for-baby-loss-moms/

Another Day....

It's  been days
it's been weeks
in a few days
it will be years
sometimes it seems
like it was a lifetime ago
sometimes it feels
like time has stood still
she feels the fear
that she felt walking towards him
he hears his own words
ringing in his ears
of all of the memories
that fade in time
these pictures
these moments
play on repeat
over and over again
nothing ever changes
he never gets to stay
each day they try to smile
for the one that
they hold here
for the hope
she carries within her
but when time catches up
when that day
draws near
there is nothing
nothing they can do
relive the moments
relive the nightmare
and know this time
from experience
they will make it
another day....

My Tangible Peace

To be honest, I have to admit, that I don't think about Emma and Connor at the ages they would be today.  I think about them as babies.  It is hard to imagine who they would be today, because I never got to know them.  There are sometimes where I can't resist the idea.  The other day we had a playdate.  I am pretty sure it was the first time that the four kids born within months of Connor were here, all together. 
I remember being pregnant with Connor, knowing Sarah was pregnant with Natalie.  I remember finding out my sister was pregnant, then Jamie and then Heather.  REALLY! My sister and my closest three friends, all pregnant while I was pregnant, all having babies within 6 months of when I would have Connor.  They would all be born within 6 months of when I would lose Connor. 
At that point I wasn't sure what I would do with this situation.  I knew these babies would be in my life, because their mothers were the closest people to me, but what would I do!? I guess I did what anyone would do,  I loved them.  I embraced each pregnancy, each birth and each baby as much as I could. 

Today I am so happy to say that I love the relationship that I have with each of these miracles.  They are 4 of my favorite children that in my eyes can do no wrong....even though their mommy's think otherwise.  These 4 little people are a wonderful reminder of who Connor might have been, and a tangible way for me to love him through them.  Sometimes it seems like God is playing some cruel joke on us, when in the end he is just bringing us the peace that he knew we would need.  These 4 little ones are a big part of my peace....

Goosebumps and tissues

Sometimes in life, in grief, there are these moments that cover your body in goosebumps.  Most of them are in a good way, as if you know there is a greater meaning, a bigger picture that you just haven't been far enough away to see yet.  With Austin this is something that seems to happen a lot.
When Austin passed away the nurse at the hospital was a childhood friend of his Mom and I's.  We have known her forever, since elementary school, and she was the nurse on duty, in the ER the night of the accident.  Since then she and Austin's Mom have been closer.  Not only was she there and witnessed this horrific tragedy, but she has sons of her own.
Tonight as I was checking Facebook I saw she had written Austin's mom a little note.  About how she was thinking of them and a song came on.  Usually there are songs that make you feel a certain way, but this one made my stomach flip.  As I pulled up the lyrics it made my whole body get goosebumps.  It made me eyes well up.  It was as if they knew Austin's story.  As it turns out it was about a little boy who had cancer, but regardless of the tragedy, the outcome was the same. 

http://youtu.be/0J2OF1S3iSI
Here are the lyrics -
Ronan - Taylor Swift

I remember your bare feet down the hallway
I remember your little laugh
Race cars on the kitchen floor
Plastic dinosaurs, I love you to the moon and back

I remember your blue eyes looking into mine like we had our own
secret club
I remember you dancing before bed time then jumping on me waking
me up
I can still feel you hold my hand
Little man, from even that moment I knew
You fought it hard like an army guy
Remember I leaned in and whispered to you

Chorus:
Come on baby with me
We're gonna fly away from here
You were my best four years

I remember the drive home when the blind hope
Turned to crying and screaming, "Why?"
Flowers piled up in the worst way
No one knows what to say about a beautiful boy who died

And it's about to be Halloween
You could be anything you wanted if you were still here
I remember the last day when I kissed your face
I whispered in your ear

Come on baby with me
We're gonna fly away from here
Out of this curtained room in this hospital
We'll just disappear
Come on baby with me
We're gonna fly away from here
You were my best four years

What if I'm standing in your closet trying to talk to you?
What if I kept the hand me downs you won't grow into?
And what if I really thought some miracle would see us through?
But what if the miracle was even getting one moment with you

Come on baby with me
We're gonna fly away from here
Come on baby with me
We're gonna fly away from here
You were my best four years

I remember your bare feet down the hallway
I love you to the moon and back

32 years out

Last week was the Anniversary of my brother's death.  He has been gone for 34 years.  As I sat and talked with Austin's mom about this I couldn't help but think of where they were at, as compared to my parents.  From there we talked about where my parents were at 2 years out, 32 years ago.  The thought then came to my mind, I am 32.  My birthday is near the end of August, well at 2 years out they had a newborn.  Fresh home from the hospital, such a wonderful time.  But, I hadn't really thought about the timing.

As I talked to my mom the next day about this she said, it was the lowest point in my life.  Lowest point in her life!?  Yes, you see when I was just 3 days old I went back to the hospital.  When I was brought home I was seemingly fine.  My dad went back to work on a Friday and my mom was home with me.  She noticed I was twitching.  My hands and feet at the same time as if it were clockwork.  She took me to the doctor, the same doctor she took my brother to on a Friday.  They too saw what was happening and told her they needed to call the lifesquad.  The last time they called the lifesquad my brother was sent to the hospital from the same office.  She refused transport, knowing where it had led 2 years prior and my Aunt Cindy drove us to the hospital.  From there I was admitted.  I spent 15 days in the intensive care unit.  At some point in this stay I had numerous spinal taps, as they looked for Spinal Menengeitis.  The same thing that took my brother's life.  On the 2 year anniversary of his death.  My parents were in the same hospital with their newborn, being tested for the very thing that killed him.

As I sat and listened to her I was in awe.  I have heard the story of my hospital stay, I knew what had happened, but never had I realized it was this sick twisted timing.   In the end - as you have guessed - I was okay.  I had very low calcium that had caused me to seize.  Special formula and hundreds of blood tests to keep track of it were the only thing I needed.  But, what my parents went through is unbelievable to me.

As we sat and sipped our McDonald's coffee, just the two of us, I looked at her and said how is it only your body that has fallen apart!? This woman has been through so much, yet can sit and tell me my story, the one that brought us to where we are.  The one that helped to form who I am and who I want to be.  Sometimes we forget what exactly has happened to bring us where we are.  Having Austin's family has brought back so many memories for my family.  Watching them has not only been hard, but opened so many windows into the memories they have.  It has been a blessing in so many ways, for Austin's family and for my parents. And for me to be able to be on the outside looking in at these 4 people, who I love, respect and admire more than anyone, living this eternal nightmare.  I often wonder how we all ended up together in this.  I know it was more than coincidence. 

And to top it off....
The other night we had Mom and Dad's 40th Anniversary party, through it all they are still standing, still together and still smiling.  Austin's family came to that party and I am pretty sure that in 32 years they will be right there. Eerily enough in 32 years they will have been married for 40 years......