Thursday, July 26, 2012
When him was a boy...
Tonight we sat around Grandma's kitchen table and all 5 littles painted canvas. As the artistic chaos ensued everyone ended up painting in their bare bellies to save their shirts. Anna sat next to Mom and painted away and after a few coats each my sister took the bears up for a bath. Anna told my mom how one time she got to where Austin's jammies. Jammies from "when him was a boy, cause him is an Angel now". As mom repeated the words to me, so I could enjoy the innocence behind them, both of our eyes filled up with tears. From when him was a boy. Such truth behind her comment, no question of anything, just stating a fact really. From when him was a boy, cause him is an angel now.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Eight years....
If you had told me that day
the path that would bring us to today I am sure I would have not
believed you.
I married a man who can make me laugh.
I married an incredible father.
I married a man who loved me then. I married a man who I am pretty sure loves me even more now.
If you had told me 8 years ago half of the story of our lives that has unfolded I am sure I would have been awe struck.
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Saving a World...
I have been following my cousin's blog closely for the past few years and even more this month. After adopting 4 children from overseas over the past 8 years they are now hosting a child from Eastern Europe for the Summer. I am so glad that she has her blog to share their journey. Even though we live relatively close we really don't see much of each other. Having 4 kids in activities, the youngest one having special needs, seems to keep a busy family life!
Even with that they made the choice to host a 12 year old for a month this summer. I can't imagine what has gone through this kids mind, but I am guessing it is kind of like when a child goes into a foster home of a family with much more than they are used to. This boy lives in a home with other boys in the Ukraine. He has never had a family. He has never had to follow the rules or the path, the boundaries or the routines that come with it. It has been 3 weeks now. My cousin has openly expressed the good and the bad and the God that has come with this experience. I have been leaving little comments and praying as I might, but I really think what they are doing is amazing! My husband often tells me I "can't save the world" and I know they have been told the same thing. But, the truth is in each child who is given a new life, a new experience, a new hope to go on, you are saving their world.
No matter what happens when this little guy leaves to go "home" he will have felt love. He will know that people are out there that care and that he is not alone in life.
Here is the link to her latest post.
www.suzmakes6.blogspot.com
Even with that they made the choice to host a 12 year old for a month this summer. I can't imagine what has gone through this kids mind, but I am guessing it is kind of like when a child goes into a foster home of a family with much more than they are used to. This boy lives in a home with other boys in the Ukraine. He has never had a family. He has never had to follow the rules or the path, the boundaries or the routines that come with it. It has been 3 weeks now. My cousin has openly expressed the good and the bad and the God that has come with this experience. I have been leaving little comments and praying as I might, but I really think what they are doing is amazing! My husband often tells me I "can't save the world" and I know they have been told the same thing. But, the truth is in each child who is given a new life, a new experience, a new hope to go on, you are saving their world.
No matter what happens when this little guy leaves to go "home" he will have felt love. He will know that people are out there that care and that he is not alone in life.
Here is the link to her latest post.
www.suzmakes6.blogspot.com
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
I plan on spelling it out....
Well Today was a day. It seems my post has sent hell fire flying. Maybe sometimes I am too blunt. But, from what I understood that is what blogging was. Being able to write my feelings and release my fears in print. I posted a post the other day about my day. About the things that stood out and the fear my family felt. I understand that things can be misconstrued and misunderstood. To be honest I had no idea that some people even read this blog. The thing about my post was that it wasn't about anyone or anything but the love in my heart for my family and keeping them safe. I didn't conspire with anyone before posting it. I didn't ask for anyone's permission about how I was feeling. In fact I write things as I perceive them. Which has nothing to do with how anyone else may see the situation.
I have said it before and I will say it a million times over. There is a different level of love when you have lost someone. Anyone who has had a significant loss in their lives seems to know this. Especially those who have lost a child. There is a different level of emotion in general. There is a different level of fear. I am not saying that people love their family less than I do, I am saying that it is on a different level. There are different emotions that they have never experienced. When I write I let it flow. I type as it comes to my head and I don't think too far into it. I am not writing for the New York Times, I am writing for me.
There are very few things in my life that I regret, writing the post at hand will not be one of them. I am sorry about how personally it was taken, I am sorry about the absolute ridiculousness that came from it...especially at a time that my family is in turmoil. When this is the last thing we need.
As all of this "crap" was happening Corey was taken back to the hospital. He was still not doing well and had us very scared. After some meds and a few hours he should be released tonight. That should have been our only concern....and to be honest it really was.
As for my blog. I know many people who have stopped blogging or changed their format. Not me. Sometimes life sucks and sometimes life is great. I plan on spelling it out....
I have said it before and I will say it a million times over. There is a different level of love when you have lost someone. Anyone who has had a significant loss in their lives seems to know this. Especially those who have lost a child. There is a different level of emotion in general. There is a different level of fear. I am not saying that people love their family less than I do, I am saying that it is on a different level. There are different emotions that they have never experienced. When I write I let it flow. I type as it comes to my head and I don't think too far into it. I am not writing for the New York Times, I am writing for me.
There are very few things in my life that I regret, writing the post at hand will not be one of them. I am sorry about how personally it was taken, I am sorry about the absolute ridiculousness that came from it...especially at a time that my family is in turmoil. When this is the last thing we need.
As all of this "crap" was happening Corey was taken back to the hospital. He was still not doing well and had us very scared. After some meds and a few hours he should be released tonight. That should have been our only concern....and to be honest it really was.
As for my blog. I know many people who have stopped blogging or changed their format. Not me. Sometimes life sucks and sometimes life is great. I plan on spelling it out....
Sunday, July 1, 2012
a little smile and a giggle
This morning I went back to the hospital. Even though he was a little scared and his back still hurts, there is a huge difference in his eyes.
I got a few smiles and even a giggle...
We went to the gift shop and mom got him some army men.
By the time I left he was playing "grape killers" with his Dad with a big smile and giggles all around....so I can say....
Today my mission was accomplished...now here is looking to tomorrow that he can come home!
I got a few smiles and even a giggle...
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Today, Tonight and Tomorrow.....
Today I sat in my car and screamed.
Today I not only told God I was Angry but I let him know exactly how I felt. Alone in my car, windows rolled up, at the intersection of Mt. Alverno and Delhi Pike.
Today I watched my parents relive the worst days of their lives by hearing two little words.
Today I walked into my sister's house to find my brother in law's eyes red and swollen from tears and staring at a computer screen trying to find out as much as he could, probably rather seeing a different answer
Today I saw my nephew lying in a hospital bed being comforted by his mother who watched her brother die from the same thing gripping his little body.
Today I asked for prayers and had his little name lifted so many times it made me thankful for such power.
Today I heard my mother sob in sorrow. Watched as she dealt with fear and sadness as well as the disgust of being immobilized by her own body to the point that she could not see her grandson in the hospital.
Today I watched my father's eyes continuously fill up with tears as he tried to fight back the demon thoughts that filled his head with the dreaded diagnosis that took his only son.
Today I was enraged that one person had the power to upset my mother even more by telling her that "it wasn't a big deal and her 25 year old great nephew had it a few weeks ago".
If only this person knew. As I tried to comfort my mother after hearing these callous insincere words I told her that maybe this his their cross to bare...they will never know the love we feel, because they have never cared to love the way we do.
Tonight I sat in a hospital room with a blonde haired little boy.
Tonight he asked me for a bag of the chips I bought and rolled his eyes and snickered when I burped.
Tonight I kissed him on his forehead before I left the hospital, partly because I wanted to kiss him and partly because I wanted to feel that he was "cool as a cucumber" for myself.
Tonight I stopped by my parents on the way home, because I know that they are in pain.
Tonight they stood in front of me unable to control the emotions that weigh in their hearts.
Tonight I hugged them and realized I pray I never know how they are feeling. To watch your son die and live your life with the little flicker of fear that it may happen again only to have your worst nightmare come true in one of their own, again. Fear has a way of taking over, fear that stems from Grief is so much stronger.
Tonight I hugged them again and went home. Knowing I could do nothing to help them, nothing to ease their minds.
Tonight I pray that everyone gets a little sleep and that Monday we have a culture as clean as a whistle where nothing has grown showing bacteria.
Tonight I will Thank God and maybe apologize for yelling, even though Father Chris told me I could.
Tonight I will Thank Corey's guardian angel, his Uncle Mikey, for leaving us the knowledge of the symptoms to look for and for the courage to go straight to the hospital as soon as they saw them.
Tonight I will pray and I will pray and I will pray ......
Because Tomorrow I plan on getting a big hug from a little blonde boy who is feeling much better
Today I not only told God I was Angry but I let him know exactly how I felt. Alone in my car, windows rolled up, at the intersection of Mt. Alverno and Delhi Pike.
Today I watched my parents relive the worst days of their lives by hearing two little words.
Today I walked into my sister's house to find my brother in law's eyes red and swollen from tears and staring at a computer screen trying to find out as much as he could, probably rather seeing a different answer
Today I saw my nephew lying in a hospital bed being comforted by his mother who watched her brother die from the same thing gripping his little body.
Today I asked for prayers and had his little name lifted so many times it made me thankful for such power.
Today I heard my mother sob in sorrow. Watched as she dealt with fear and sadness as well as the disgust of being immobilized by her own body to the point that she could not see her grandson in the hospital.
Today I watched my father's eyes continuously fill up with tears as he tried to fight back the demon thoughts that filled his head with the dreaded diagnosis that took his only son.
Today I was enraged that one person had the power to upset my mother even more by telling her that "it wasn't a big deal and her 25 year old great nephew had it a few weeks ago".
If only this person knew. As I tried to comfort my mother after hearing these callous insincere words I told her that maybe this his their cross to bare...they will never know the love we feel, because they have never cared to love the way we do.
Tonight I sat in a hospital room with a blonde haired little boy.
Tonight he asked me for a bag of the chips I bought and rolled his eyes and snickered when I burped.
Tonight I kissed him on his forehead before I left the hospital, partly because I wanted to kiss him and partly because I wanted to feel that he was "cool as a cucumber" for myself.
Tonight I stopped by my parents on the way home, because I know that they are in pain.
Tonight they stood in front of me unable to control the emotions that weigh in their hearts.
Tonight I hugged them and realized I pray I never know how they are feeling. To watch your son die and live your life with the little flicker of fear that it may happen again only to have your worst nightmare come true in one of their own, again. Fear has a way of taking over, fear that stems from Grief is so much stronger.
Tonight I hugged them again and went home. Knowing I could do nothing to help them, nothing to ease their minds.
Tonight I pray that everyone gets a little sleep and that Monday we have a culture as clean as a whistle where nothing has grown showing bacteria.
Tonight I will Thank God and maybe apologize for yelling, even though Father Chris told me I could.
Tonight I will Thank Corey's guardian angel, his Uncle Mikey, for leaving us the knowledge of the symptoms to look for and for the courage to go straight to the hospital as soon as they saw them.
Tonight I will pray and I will pray and I will pray ......
Because Tomorrow I plan on getting a big hug from a little blonde boy who is feeling much better
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Wonderful Vacation!!
We had such a wonderful vacation this year! We stopped in Rock City on our trip down, stayed 5 days at an amazing resort in Disney World and finished our trip with a day in Clearwater. All together it was really a fun trip! We were a little less scheduled this year and the rain helped cool us off. It was probably my favorite trip to Disney yet and the kids seemed to have as great of a time as we did! I took pretty many pictures, go figure, so I have decided to do a top ten favorites list! In no particular order......
Okay so I know, there are more than 10! We are so blessed that I have a top Eleven~ Such an amazing trip but, we are happy to be home and so excited to have had such an awesome time! Watch out Daddy! I am already planning for next year!
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| Ready for our first night |
 |
| Ahh...fish are friends! |
 |
| The tea cups! |
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| Meeting up with family I haven't seen in 20 years! |
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| The Magic Kingdom Castle |
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| Ohana - means family |
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| Clearwater Beach |
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| Wyatt and his Darth Vadar meeting! |
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| The bridge to Clearwater beach |
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| Ready for Ohana in our room |
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| Mickey Mouse and The Caitos |
Okay so I know, there are more than 10! We are so blessed that I have a top Eleven~ Such an amazing trip but, we are happy to be home and so excited to have had such an awesome time! Watch out Daddy! I am already planning for next year!
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