Heading in the right direction!

 Today Sam had her follow up with Cincinnati Children’s Rheumatology. She had bloodwork earlier this week and was pretty nervous. Dr. Schulert was as wonderful as ever and immediately set her (and I) at ease. He said her bloodwork is continuing to trend in the right direction. 

Her Sed Rate is nearly a quarter of where it was in April and her CRP is back to normal!!! Huge win for the inflammation numbers. She is a little anemic, but almost all of her bloodwork had improved. 

He checked her joints and range of motion and said she looked even better than in July. Her knee swelling is completely gone. 

As she danced and sang through the appointment he said he still is in awe that Naproxen has helped her the way it has so far. Seeing the sick shell she was in April, now back to her perfect curve on the growth chart and full of sass and fun. 

Thankfully at this point he is happy with how the current meds are working. Her kidneys are in great shape and she isn’t having any side effects. So we will stay on twice a day naproxen. He had thought about taking her down to once a day, but I brought up the concern of not knowing what caused it and the fear of going backwards. He has been amazing at listening to my concerns and acknowledging Pandas without ever mentioning it. She has an eye appointment in November to make sure the Inflammation isn’t effecting her eyes and if that is all good we can avoid changing to the Arthritis medicine for the next few months. 

He said the type of Juvenile Arthritis she has and the way she is trending she could go into remission at some point by the time she is an adult. 

She will have repeat lab work and an ultrasound in 4 months and visit with Dr. Schulert again. Overall it was a great visit and we are so thankful for her continued health and all she is able to do again. 

She has a few more goals to reach, like getting her leprechaun kick back and getting her speed back. But, this girl has come so far and is so brave! Looking at her lab work trends and seeing how sick she was and knowing how that had effected everything is hard to hear. The memories of what she has been through and continued medicine and appointments are hard on her. I am so proud of her tenacity and her continuing to push herself each day. 

She is o happy this appointment and bloodwork are over! Now on to Soccer tournaments, volleyball and the school Christmas play! So much to look forward to! 

Grief

It’s not even my grief 

and it haunts me

Not my story

Not even in my lifetime

But, it lives inside me each day. 

Somehow

 my mother 

my father 

Survived 40 years

Lived 40 years 

Smiled and loved 

For 40 years

Raised two children 

Missing one child 

Perfectly 

Healthy

Toddler

With 

Beautiful 

Brown 

Eyes 

GONE 

From a sweet boy

22 months old 

to a memory

One day here

the next day 

Gone

as time can heal us 

it can be a cruel reminder 

that the fear

doesnt go away

the sadness

is

the reality 

is

Grief knows no boundaries

Grief doesn’t go away. 

We become a new version

of the person 

that death left us

As anniversaries approach

the sting 

the memories

The reality of it all 

Is that grief 

Is the greatest 

most painful

selfless 

act of love 

we can give

love that never 

ceases to exist 

Coming to terms...

All of the events of this week have set in my mind. I have come to terms with the reality that love and prayers do not always make things happen the way we want them to before, and now I will do so again. 

God has plans for us that we do not understand.

As Easter approaches and I am reminded of the miracles we have been granted and those we feel passed us by, I can't help but feel a little defeated.

Five years ago on Easter Day I prayed for a miracle. What a sign from God that the day after Easter when I went to the hospital Connor would be coming into the world. 

I prayed for a miracle- for his recovery- for the diagnosis to suddenly be wrong. 

But, as was His plan, that didn't happen. 

A few months later when Bug (aka Aidric) was placed with us I prayed this was meant to be- that he was our miracle. But when his medical necessities and diagnosis were more than we as a grieving family could endure he was 

placed with another family.

 In the time we had to make a choice for him it was heart wrenching- I wasn't sure I could heal from the pain- especially so soon after Connor. 

But I did.

 

He was fine without us, because we were not God's plan for him- we were just a stop along the way to his forever.

These past realities of our lives show me that I can handle whatever comes for Baby D. 

We can handle this. 

His resiliency and endearing personality will bring him love wherever he goes. 

If he is meant to stay with us for 2 more weeks, 2 more months or 2 more years I know his time with us has shown him love. 

We have brought him consistency, helped him trust and introduced him to so many things. 

I am letting myself start to grieve- because letting go of something so precious will require letting ourselves grieve. 

So as the weeks move forward in this journey with Baby D I pray that what is in his true best Interest is granted. Not what is easiest for a case plan or reunifies for the sake of the word and not the well being of the child. I pray the system does not fail him. 

We are so blessed to live in a community and have families who support and love   us. To have friends that love and pray for Baby D.

 I know that wherever he goes God goes with him and I pray that we, as a family, are granted peace and security in knowing he is happy. 

"I adopted my brother and I want another"....

Sometimes Anna makes me cry....

Happy tears.  Tears of pride.  Tears of joy.

 
To know that this little child who is only 7 years old understands.


















She understands loss.
She understands Love.
She is fully aware of the things that have happened in her life and she is thankful for them.  

 She is so insightful when it comes to things that we tend to over think. 

As we sit in our classes preparing for foster care and adoption (again) we are told so many of the scary things.  So many of the negative things, realistic, but bad things that can happen.  I feel like even though we are being prepared for the worst we have seen the beauty that can come from it as well.

 After 3 hours of separation and Anxiety classes, learning about grief and loss, in a different way. Five years ago when we took this class I remember the fear.  I was still pregnant with Connor.  Learning about grief while dealing with the impending death of your own child is a daunting experience.

Sitting in this class today I felt a sense of clarity.
Realizing that TJ and I have dealt with loss.
We have dealt with grief.
 We have lived each of these "steps" and will be able to recognize them in our children.

As one of the future foster parents said in class today that she thinks these "mothers" that keep losing their children and having more are nuts I realized.  Although they have demons and they have made bad choices - we have something in common.  When I lost Emma nothing made me feel complete again- the closest I got was carrying Connor.  When  you lose a child- it feels as if you are not complete.  Even though these women have lost their children to their own faults, it is still a loss.  They are still trying to fix something within themselves that is broken.  I think that is why they continue to have children and lose them.  It is sad and a maddening cycle, but it really gave me a little glimpse into where they might be coming from.

I am so glad that God has given me the opportunity to relearn all of this again.  Even though 36 hours of training on beautiful weekend days is not where we would like to be....it is nice to feel like we are really learning something.  If not the same lecture we heard 5 years ago, something about ourselves.
  

 

 After I heard the stories today I came home to my babies.  My children who started out in such different ways.  One carried in the womb by a mother who took every precaution possible, who took vitamins and went to doctors appointments.  One was carried by a woman who's choices kept her behind bars most of her pregnancy.  These two children are brother and sister.  They are the very best of friends.  There is nothing more than being together that they ask for.  Now as we wait for our new little child I pray that he has this feeling with them.  That he can love and accept the two of them as they are longing to do for him.  


Nothing makes the wait more worth it than seeing where it can bring you....

"D Day"

Well it is here
Somehow it has been 5 years
Somehow life
 has moved forward
We have moved forward
We have healed
we continue to heal
As much as memories fade
days like today
will never change
ears ringing with sounds
of voices on the phone
as much as it really doesn't
hurt everyday now
I miss what could have been
the same old
what should of been
5 years ago today
I was told I would not
have two daughters
grow up together
play dolls together
argue over clothes together
5 years ago
my heart
felt like it had been ripped
from my chest
today I feel better
I can feel sad
without feeling broken
I can miss my baby girl
without missing out
on my life
I know I have healed
I am proud of who I am
Because I am proud
of who she has made me 

Other peoples lives....

I follow pretty many blogs at this point. It all started when my cousins adopted their daughter, Suzanne, from China. She had started a blog about their Journey and I started reading. From her page I found so many blogs about families who have adopted from China. Some have brought home 5, 6, even 7 or 8 children and are awaiting more. Most of them having some kind of special need. There are a few of these blogs, and therefore these families, that I have followed for months. You get kind of attached as you read the emotions of the parents who share their worlds online.
Last week I opened the blog I follow closely and saw terrible news. This family, who recently got the paperwork to help them get closer to the 2 daughters who awaited them in China, had found out one of the children had died.
She had a heart defect, she needed surgery and they were aware of that. They planned on bringing her home and helping her. Fixing her heart, nursing her back to health and making her a part of their family. They had known about this child, Esther, for months. They had named her, they had pictures of her, she was already a part of their family. Now without ever having the chance to hold her,to touch her, she is gone.
As I read this blog and I learn about her grief I realize how similar it is to losing a child that you are carrying inside of you. Much of adoption is like waiting to "have" your baby. You find out who your children will be long before they are actually yours. I can't help but wonder what kind of grief this woman is going through. She has a lost a child, yet the child was not legally hers to lose. I am so glad for her that she keeps this blog that she does. That she has so many people who know and understand the love she has for Esther. The loss she feels. Grief comes in so many forms. Losing a child is something that changes you forever. When you are pregnant and you lose a baby, especially far along, when you know their name and you have an ultrasound picture and you have shared all of your news, people can grieve with you. I can only hope that everyone who surrounds this mother treats her the same way. I know she has received a few things to help her physically remember Esther. This is my way of letting her know I care. I have lost a baby early on, I have lost a baby mid pregnancy, I have had a baby who was born still and I have awaited a child through adoption. With all of these put together I still don't know what she is feeling. But, I keep her in my prayers and I pray she finds strength and Peace.