Perfectly New-

In the grief community there is a camaraderie that comes with the pain.  A feeling of immediate connection when you know someone has lived through what you have lived through.  When you lose a baby you don't get to feel that connection with other moms at school, no little league teams, no playdates- this is what we have.  A few words, a few pictures and a feeling of pride when we are able to "share" our babies. 
Recently I have become a part of a a group of parents from Ohio who are local leaders for a film coming out called Return to Zero.  It is about a stillbirth and the life of the parents following it.  There are not any movies out there about things like this.  This is the one that all of us in the baby loss community are hoping will break the silence and the stigma that comes along with loss, especially the loss of a newborn. 

In this new group on facebook I shared a picture of Connor.  It is one of my favorite pictures.  It was on the prayer cards at his funeral. It is framed larger than life in my family room.  It is a gift from our dear friend Tricia and the amazing time she spent volunteering for NILMDTS.  In all of the times I have stared at this picture. In all of the times I have shared this picture I realized I have never shared the story behind it. 

When I was pregnant with Connor my mother in law bought me a bracelet.  It was a silver charm bracelet with three little profiles with names on them.  Anna, Emma and Connor.  I wore the bracelet everyday from Christmas until April.  I loved to see the names of my babies and I was so happy to be able to see Connor's name before he was born.  Days before I was to be induced I looked down at my bracelet and I saw Emma and Anna - scratched up from wear, but Connor was gone.  I was immediately a mess.  I knew this was a "sign".  I was sick with worry and sick with sadness that I had lost it.  Much like the superhero he is, TJ saved the day and as soon as I told him it was gone he went to Things Remembered and had another one made.  He was able to replace the little Connor charm by the time I went to the hospital.  The day that Connor was born, Tricia was there to take pictures.  I will never forget the way she was in that room.  She was calm, cool and in control.  She loved our baby like she loves on all of the babies in her presence.  She took pictures of our family and friends and then she saw my bracelet.  She asked if she could use it for a picture and of course I said yes.  She placed it in his hands - and that is the photo I cherish.  As she took it TJ realized that if I hadn't lost the original, if we hadn't replaced it with a brand new one, the photo would have never turned out so well.  The old one was scratched and faded and this one was perfectly new- just like Connor.  

Scars

You can't see the scars

The marks left from grief

The fear

The anxiety

Waiting for the other shoe to drop

Waiting for the next terrible thing to happen

Trying as hard as you can to 

Just stay positive

Trying as hard as you can to

Remember why you should 

Stay positive

The scars of grief are so much 

Deeper than the skin

Not visible to those

Who have not walked in your steps

They are not red and bleeding

No bandages to cover them

Yet so visible to those who know

Recognized in a look

Seen in the lightness of a markered on balloon

In the dried tears of running mascara

In the joy a small trinket left at the cemetery brings

In the comraderie of being

A mom to an angel

Our scars are not seen with the eye

Quite simply because they

are felt with the heart

Tony Chestnut

Today was Mother's Day at preschool. I went excited to watch my wild and crazy boy, but not expecting much. Last year at the end of the year he would not sing, he would not dance, he just wanted to stand by me. This year he proudly stood smiling with his friends and sang and danced along to "tony chestnut". It brought tears to my eyes to think of how far he has come. How comfortable he is in his environment at school and with his friends and teacher. I sat there with tears welling up realizing once again how lucky we are to have him be a part of our family. With his crazy requests and rude boy questions, with his hugs and kisses and crazy antics. God chose us to be his family. God chose me to be his Mom. After a week like we have had reminding us that we are not in control of our future, our family or our lives it was a wonderful reminder that in His time things work out the way they are supposed to.

"Que será, será"

I usually come to my computer to type my feelings.  Let them pour out through my fingertips onto the keys and it makes me feel better.  Today I don't plan on that happening.  We gave this our all.  We put our hearts, our souls, our time and our hope into this situation and it didn't happen.  She was not "meant to be" with our family.  I can't imagine what or who the family is that was chosen for her- but they better be pretty damn special.  Because our family would have cherished and loved her from now until forever.  Our family already had a place for her in our hearts.  In a placement like this where it has been more than 2 months since seeing her face, putting our homestudy in and then having phone interviews, home interviews etc our whole lives are invested.  Our family is invested.  Our hearts are invested.  Our friends are invested.  We have been so blessed to have so many people praying for us and to be honest that is why we didn't keep this a "secret".  As I said in my last post, this is like a pregnancy and being "8 weeks" into this it is like a loss.
When I got the phone call today I was sitting in carpool at school.  I had to get out to go get Anna and Corey - so I couldn't just sit and cry .  But what do you say? What can you say? There is nothing-  I was mad.  I was upset.  I feel like it isn't fair.  I usually never say that because I am well aware of how blessed we are- but after all of this time waiting- 2 months, otherwise known as 8 weeks - 60 days of waiting- I imagine 2 weeks ago when they met the family they chose that they knew then- so why make the rest of us wait?  We will never know.  I am sad for our kids, who knew because they were involved in the process when the workers came to the house, I am sad for my husband who is incredibly accepting and tries not to get too emotionally invested-yet he is a wonderful Daddy and comes by that naturally.  I am sad for my parents and in laws, our sister's who have watched us be so hopeful and had the same hope and now watch us fill with sadness and disappointment.  I am sad for myself- because I am a damn good mom and I want to be able to have another child in my life.  We did all that we could and I guess it just wasn't meant to be.

So where do we go from here - I guess we will just have to wait and see 

Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours, to see

 Thank you for the prayers, the support and the love -
 
Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

Nine Months

There was a time in my life where I would keep things quiet- afraid that if I said something I could "jinx" a situation.  After living this life I no longer feel that way.  Adoption is a long process.  It is a lot like pregnancy in so many ways.  It is scary, there are many unknowns and you have very little control over any of it! One way that it doesn't compare is that it doesn't physically show. 
We have had our home study active again for 9 months.  We have updated everything needed, redone some paper work, had visits with workers etc.  For 9 months I have been looking - searching- just like I did for Wy.  We have wanted to add another child to our family and I know in adoption being proactive can help~ Wyatt is proof positive of that one.  Nine months later - although I am not "showing" we are praying that we can add a little one soon. 
In pregnancy there is this "fear" that if you tell someone too early and you miscarry then you have to tell them about the loss and so on.  After experiencing loss in many different ways I have come to realize that if you don't tell people that you are expecting, how can you expect them to even try and understand your grief in loss - or your happiness and joy in your pregnancy.  How can they understand why you are acting the way you are if you do not let them in, to know why you are acting this way - feeling this way- distracted this way-
I feel the same way about adoption.  A few years ago I kept it quiet about Wy.  It was also only about a month between the time I found him and we were matched with him, so that could be part of the reason behind that one~ This time after months of searching I found a little girl. 
We had our home study submitted on March 5.  A few weeks later we had a phone interview with one of the workers in her County (she is from another Ohio county).  Then last week her worker and the match coordinator came to our home for an "interview".  This was a chance for them to get to see our home, our family and where we live.  We were told that day that we were one of the 5 families chose to go to "match committee".  This is where the families worker "presents" them to a panel of people looking out for the best interest of the child - they then decide which family will be chosen for the placement. 
Today I found out that day is May 6. We will be presented by our worker at 3pm.  So It will be 2 months and 1 day since I saw this little one's face - since I welcomed her into my heart - that we find out if she will be a part of our family. 
It is still all unknown.  It is still really up in the air and it is going to be a really long 11 days.  But, we are praying that in the end of these 11 days we get some great news.  After meeting the workers I have no doubt that they will find the best place for this little one to grow up. 

In case you are wondering about the time - steps involved here is a link to HC website- it shows the steps - ours were similar, a little different because of a different county- but basically the same.  





http://www.hcjfs.hamilton-co.org/hckids/adoption_process.htm

A little Mouse advice;)

Since I had a few people ask i thought i would share a few of ourDisney tips-
If you stay in moderate or above resorts the 30% off room rates should save you more than free dining. If you have. Chance to go in the off season it is so worth it! No extreme heat and less crowds make everyone happier!


Dining plan tips- we have done the dining plan with one quick service, one table service and I snack.
Quick service meals are the all the same- so you can get your kids adult portioned and priced meals for the same as a kids meal- like at pizza planet a much larger pizza for the same "price"
Each meal comes with a dessert and drink at dinner and lunch- breakfast is no dessert -but for dinner and lunch you can usually get some type of fruit or yogurt for your dessert If you don't want something sweet!
You also get 1 snack per person per day- you can pack your own drinks in a cooler and snacks- so we used these for things like ice cream, soft pretzels, cotton candy and even the small size "goofy candy" souvenir bags.
To get the most out of your dining plan with table service use it for character meals! You can have 1 a day- dinner is much more expensive than breakfast so if you make dinner reservations you get more "bang for your buck"- akershus in Epcot gives you a free picture with belle and is great- we love chef mickeys cape may and Ohana at the Polynesian as well. Remember tips are not included so usually between 12-20$ a meal.
For quick service we like boardwalk pizza window- 2 quick service comps equal a whole large pizza, 2 large drinks and 2 desserts! Also Pecos Bills in the MK has a "salad like bar" with lots of fixings that Anna loves!
Most of the resorts have quick service in the hotel- you can also refill your free mug as often a you like with pop/tea/water at the resorts

Resorts-
So far we have stayed at the value resorts, ft wilderness cabins, boardwalk villas and beach club villas- you definitely get more for paying more. Our favorite thing about boardwalk and beach club is you can walk to Epcot and to Hollywood - or take a short boat ride to either. So the buses are only needed for Magic kingdom and animal kingdom.
Beach club by far has the best pool! Taking time In the trip to swim is a must! It is called storm along bay and is about 6 different pools all connected with bridges and a lazy river. It has a whole sand area like a beach but its a pool- then a large slide comin from a pirate ship and a kids pool with a kids slide. It also has two separate pools and handicap accessible hot tubs. The kids loved the pool- you can only swim in it of you are staying at the yacht/beach club.
This is also a Disney vacation club Choice so if you want a villa- make sure you Get your reservations early enough!
Boardwalk villas-
Amazing! You are right above the boardwalk and can walk to shops and restaurants and walk to Epcot/Hollywood. Cool pool with a slide for older kids/adults.
Ft wilderness cabins were awesome! Stand alone cabins with a bedroom and pull out bed- kitchen Etc. the only drawback was that they are in the Mk area so a walk and a bus ride from anything-2 pools with fun slides and a great kids slide and pool. If we stay there again we are budgeting in a golf cart which they haw available to rent at the cabins! There is a place to fish, boat and horses at the cabins. As well as chip and dales campfire- anyone can come to this and it is free!
Value resorts - we stayed at all star movies- it had 2 small beds and a bath- but it works on a budget! This is also furthest from the parks and all of the value resorts are on the same bus line- so give yourself plenty of time if you have a meal reservation.

Parks-
We skipped animal kingdom this year and gave ourselves a lot of breaks. Much more fun with happy rested kids! Disney can be overwhelming for everyone- low expectations and patience is helpful! We did magic kingdom the first night for about 4 hours- this included crystal palace with pooh and friends for dinner- and leaving before the crowds/parade/fireworks.

Magic kingdom
The castle is the center and it branches off from there- the train takes you all around as well. We loved the new little mermaid ride- fast passes are available for this! Monsters inc laugh floor, country bears jamboree, tiki room, dumbo, tea cups, Peter Pan, small world- dumbo now had 2 rides and a play area where you get a buzzer when it's your turn! Fantasyland is open - be our guest is a quick service restaurant - but you can make reservations- haven't tried that one yet. They are still working on some of it, but what is done is pretty cool. We rode big thunder mountain- scarier at night! Wyatt like the Haunted Mansion last year- but not in the dark this year! The main at electrical parade is worth staying for- but it gets crowded!
Epcot -
and a few drinks around the world! If mom and dad like a drink I recommend -frozen margarita in Mexico and the 3 caballeros ride- grey goose slush in France and an Italian margarita in Italy! Well worth the 9.75 each-
There is a lot to look at and not too much to ride here - we love the living seas with Nemo! There is an. Awesome ride that ends in an aquarium that is a must! We also love going into Innoventions where Anna has her piggy bank game and there are other interactive games- if it is hot or raining these are all inside a huge building as well! We also love the boat ride "living with the land" you can see where they grow the food you eat at the theme parks - we haven't been on it but most love soarin which is in the same area as that. We spent a lot of time just walking around and enjoying the "sites" akershus is here . A sit down dinner with aurora, belle, Cinderella, Snow White and Ariel. They come o the table and the food is amazing! You get a complimentary picture with belle here- definitely worth it on the dining plan bc this is a pricey meal!

Hollywood Studios-
We had awesome luck here this year! Make sure to get your fast passes for toy story mania as soon as you get there! They run out early! We were able to wait 30 minutes and get a fast pass- so we rode it twice! For little ones there is a playhouse Disney show the kids love- it now has doc mcstuffins and Sofia the first In it! Near this is jake and handy manny for pictures. Voyage of the little mermaid is a show that is here as well- we didn't do star tours- but wy and tj did the backlot tour (this can be a bit scary- there is a fire and explosion). We also saw the beauty and the beast show- it was amazing! Like broadway! There is a restaurant called Hollywood and vine we have eaten at with characters here as well. Tower of terror is in this park - but we don't do that one! The rocking roller coaster Is as well.

Animal kingdom- in past years we have headed straight to the safari- fast passes;) we also loved the bugs life show and dinosaur festival area. There is a camp Minnie And Mickey with characters and Everest (yeti rollercoaster) we like Tusker house to eat breakfast here as well. Also take rafikis train to a bunch of characters and a petting zoo!

Downtown Disney-
We have driven the past two years to avoid the buses at night! Parking is easy and that way you can leave easily with all of your stuff! Tons of shopping here- but f you see something In a store don't wait! They may not have it at the next! (This is true at the parks and resorts a well!) Our favorite things here are once upon a toy- potato head parts! And the Lego store with the amazing Lego "sculptures"!
As for the rest of our time-
We have putt putted before and this year tj was able to golf- the "downtime" is nice! If you have the time/desire- Split up- sometimes we have different ideas of fun/rides/activities- let mom take one kid and dad take the other!
My best advice is plan ahead for heat, tired legs and rain! That way if you are left with an unused rain poncho from the dollar store and a happy family you will be pleasantly surprised instead of upset;) our kids are 5 &7 and we used umbrella strollers the whole time-$20 at Walmart before we left! We were blessed with awesome weather this year, but last year it poured the whole time- just make it a part of the day and go with it- don't expect too much from the kids- or the parents- or the weather!
We stayed 5 nights 6 days this year and did 3 parks- magic kingdom and Epcot we split into 2 days each- this gave us a lot of time to enjoy the pool/boardwalk and arcades/ice cream parlor! As well as time for TJ to golf!
Shop before you go- disney store online and Walmart.com have some super cute stuff for better deals than when you get here!
Have fun! Take tons of pictures! Bring lots of spending money;)

Happy 4th Birthday Connor

Happy 4th Birthday in Heaven Connor. Four years ago today we said Hello and said goodbye. Four years ago we had so many prayers answered and felt a true sense of peace when we held him in our arms. I was granted such a gift in having him- in choosing to carry him to term and to feel him move for 9 months inside my belly. I feel that he has not only made me a better person, but a better mother. He taught us so much about unconditional love and the strength a person possesses when faced with adversity. He helped me heal from Emma's loss and helped me feel complete in a big part of my grief from her life and death. He has helped T.j. And I be better, more understanding friends in awful situations and has helped us appreciate all we have.
We have been continuously blessed with reminders of him over the past 4 years and this morning after we made a wish and blew out a birthday candle for him we walked passed a storefront and saw these 3 sculptures- seems he knew Daddy and Wy would have to go to the potty and put them across from the restroom-