Megan's Mom

It is amazing sometimes- tj even said of all of the people at walt Disney world, on all of the buses - I would sit next to her. A woman holding a balloon with messages written all over it. Of course I asked if she was sending it to Heaven. She looked at me and through tears said yes. Her daughter had died. I told her that we had lost two babies at birth and asked her about her daughter. She told me that Megan was almost 2 when she died in her sleep- 6 weeks ago. They have no idea what happened. Her twin brother was sitting on the bus with dad. She pointed him out to me and the older kids in their family. They had planned the trip much earlier- never expecting to go without her. As I sat on the bus I hugged her and told her how sorry I was. She told me how no one understands like someone who has experienced loss- I agreed. I told her I would pray for her and always remember Megan. As we got off the bus we went separate ways. Then we decided to go get a drink at the gift shop- who was standing at the entrance but Megan's family- I felt compelled to hug her again and she seemed happy to see me again too. Before I left I gave her my name and number and told her if she ever needed to talk - even though we were almost complete strangers to call me. We are staying in the same resort- so I am guessing I may see her again- maybe not. But, either way I will never forget her. Tj says this was not a coincidence - maybe she needed someone at that moment and I was there- seems God knew that I would understand.

Super Wyatt is 5

Our Super Wy is 5 years old! How can it be? This little one who came into our lives 3 1/2 years ago and changed us forever is a little boy - no longer a baby.   He is funny, quick witted like his daddy and tends to overdue the same joke like him as well! He is smart when he wants to be and is trying hard to write his name - he has his song down and knows how to spell it - we are working on the letters for kindergarten next year.  He loves to sing and knows the words to all of his favorite songs, but if he catches you watching him he immediately stops! He still loves apple juice and would drink it all day long - he loves skyline and mcdonald's french fries and ice cream "white - the nilla with no sprinkles".  Scooby is still his favorite and he loves all dogs.  It is neat to see how far Scoob has come and he really loves Wy - when he isn't trying to pick his nose of course!  He can ride his bike with training wheels and he is starting football this fall.  He is a big boy with feet 3 sizes bigger than Anna's, but he still loves to snuggle and have a "sleepover" every night so he can be close to Anna.  Thankfully she is awesome to oblige on most every occasion - the nights she needs some "alone time" he heads into Mom and Dad's room with his sleeping bag.   


He is almost done with Preschool and has really come into his own as a friend and student! He still has his little moments of ornery where he can't stand but to bother the other kids - but his redeeming smile and energy usually always get him back in their good graces!

Wyatt loves to look at his life book now and point out his "belly mommy" telling me that she carried him in the belly and I carried him in my heart.  He doesn't seem to know or care about the year he spent without us - maybe he will never ask- maybe he will.  The pictures are a wonderful way for me to be able to put "his story" together for him.  It is one of his favorite things to listen to.  On his birthday it is so nice to tell him about when he was born - because I can! He always refers to himself from when "my was a baby". 

I am so excited to see what Wy does this year - it is a big one! Starting Kindergarten, football and hopefully at some point becoming a big brother.  We have a lot of big things ahead of us and I have no doubt that he will find his niche in every part of his life.  He is an amazing, resilient, funny, sweet, crazy, loving boy and I am so proud to be his Mom.  Happy Birthday - a few days late - to our Wyatt!

 Look how much he has grown up in the past year! New glasses, a grown up boy face and he no longer likes his "Corly hair" long, because it makes him "schweaty and itchy"!

Easter thoughts...

Easter is one of those holidays that changes dates.  One year it is in March and the next year it is in April.  When you have a day in your grief that is substantial near a holiday that changes dates it takes your grief with it.  Connor was born right after Easter.  I went to the hospital the Monday following Easter Day.  So even though we are 2 weeks from his birthday, Easter is a big day in my grief season. 
Easter is about miracles and Christ rising - away from the tomb where he lay lifeless and coming back to save us all.  I can't say that I didn't wait for my Easter miracle 4 years ago.  I thought if anything - any time- any holiday - any season deserved a miracle it was Easter! But, my miracle did not come back.  He stayed with God.  It is an odd thing to think about.  How God gave his only Son- we did not have that selflessness then nor do we now.  We wanted our Connor here with us, we wanted that miracle.  But, it didn't happen.  I guess I never really expected it to happen,
but what is life
what is pregnancy
what is Easter
without hope?
Three Easters have come and gone since that day.  Since the 13th of April one day after Easter when I went to the hospital with my baby beneath my heart and a few days later left with empty arms.  My arms and my heart have been filled with such love, but days like today bring back that twinge of pain.  That flicker of grief that has worked itself into a less prominent part of my life. 
So I write
that is what I do
this is how I release that grief
this is how I share myself.
thank God I have this outlet
thank you God for your Son
If there was ever one thing that gave me peace through losing Connor it was that I knew that God felt my pain.  He had lost his Son too.  So on this Easter night I know that my babies are safe in the arms of the One who gave his own. 

10 weeks

Tonight I have a heavy heart.  One of my dear friends - the kind of friend who goes back so far you don't need to see or even talk to each other all of the time to hold them close to your heart- lost a baby.  To say I feel for her is an understatement.  I am so sad to think that someone who was already so in love with their little miracle has lost that chance.  The chance to be a mommy to this new little one and the chance to know what it is like to not worry during pregnancy.
 Miscarriage is a horrible thing.  I know at the doctor they will tell you the statistics of "how common" it is and how many pregnancies end in miscarriage  - I told my doctor well I don't give a shit about the statistics we are talking about my baby not the numbers.
  Ten weeks is a long time.  Two and a half months of planning and loving.  It is heartbreaking.  Especially when it is not just the pregnancy that took the planning, when you need to plan ahead with doctors and procedures to even get to the point of being pregnant it is so much more. 
So I will say a prayer.  I know there is hope for the future, but with that will come fear.  As we all search for our Rainbow it is not without the sadness.  Not without the camaraderie that comes along with this badge of honor.  This new pain that brings us to a bigger sense of what matters in this world.  Even when we thought we knew before.  It changes us.
Sending love and prayers and hoping that in time hearts heal.  I can say from experience that we do heal after loss.  But, in that time it is so hard to see that you will ever feel okay, feel happy again.  So I pray for patience and for understanding...and for Mommy and Mama. 

In its time...

A little more than five years ago I wrote this poem for Emma- 

I miss you
I think about you all of the time
the guilt is getting to me now
I feel bad if I am not thinking of you
I feel bad if I am not sad for a moment
I know I shouldn't
I know it is okay for me to be happy
Your sister and your daddy need me
they need me to be okay
but I feel guilty
I think of things I maybe could of done
what did I do wrong that made you so sick
should I have done something differently
I would, if I only knew
I love you
I want to go back and make things okay
but they aren't
they will never be okay
I know they will get better
I hope I will get better
if I only knew how to get there 

 


To read the raw emotions I felt at the time and to know that I have healed is in itself healing again, I had hope, I still have hope.

  But there is a certain verse that stands out to me in this poem

"but I feel guilty
I think of things I maybe could of done
what did I do wrong that made you so sick
should I have done something differently
I would, if I only knew"
 

Then today I got a letter in the mail.  It was a cc of a letter mailed to my primary care Doc from the geneticist we saw a few weeks ago.  In this letter is and I quote

"Ms. Caito was taking prenatal vitamins with Folic Acid at the time of conceptions so this was not a significant contributing factor in this family.  It appears that everything they could have done to ensure a healthy pregnancy was done."

Seems I had a prayer answered without ever needing an actual answer.  Sometimes prayers aren't unanswered you just need to wait until He is ready to tell you.

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.

Ecclesiastes 3:11 

Chase and Bailey...

Tonight we stopped over my sister's house to meet her new puppies.  They are quite adorable and crazy already! 

    

 They are 8 weeks old and you can tell have such different personalities already!

 Bailey (the white one) is ready to go and get into trouble and Chase (the brown one) would rather just lay down....

 There is a lot of cuteness that just entered this house....now on to training, sleeping, feeding, eating, walking.....

Chase

Bailey

 and lots of puppy fun....

Five Years Today

Today Emma would have been 5 years old. 

It is hard to even begin to imagine what  a little one would be like as a "big kid" when you never got to know them at all. 

We took cupcakes to the cemetery and sang happy birthday as snow so appropriately fell around us. 

Wy and I went to Toys R us and he and Anna got a present - because I thought someone should get a present today.  Mom and Dad brought us an Angel for the yard holding a little bird -

 

For some reason in the passed few years I have had a thing with birds being  my Emma and Connor.  Each time I see a bird I think of them - especially a blue bird.  -

Then tonight I walked into a friends craft show and saw 2 wooden birds - seems my Emma and Connor knew I needed a present today too.