PAL

PAL- I have seen this acronym so many times. Been on Facebook pages and read blogs - but I never understood it until now. 

P- pregnancy

A- after

L- loss

There is something you can't begin to explain about the emotions of pregnancy. Any woman who has been pregnant understands these emotions. It is difficult in a "normal" pregnancy. 

But, once you have experienced loss it rises to a whole new level. Fear is an awful thing. The only thing I struggle with more is the knowledge of all of the things that could go wrong. Each time we pass a milestone- receive great news- I am so relieved. But each time brings me to the next step - the next thing that scares me. 

Feeling this little one move around inside me brings me comfort. Knowing I have a family who is empathetic and a doctor who will let me come in at anytime- anyday (just like I did today) is what helps me take each day by day. 

I am so looking forward to January. When I will sit and hold my baby. Watch her breathe and see her smile. 

One day at a time I will get there.

 We will get there. 

Baby Caito ....It's a ......

I still can't believe we kept this secret for a whole week. 

The kids have had so much fun getting ready for the big reveal

guessing what the baby is 

 and trying to trick us into telling them.

Tonight at the big reveal they were so excited!

So Happy to share this awesome news!

Thank you for the prayers and please keep them coming for ......

Samantha "Sammi" Grace Caito 

we loved the name and when we saw what it meant we were sure. 

Samantha - "God Heard" 

Grace - "favor or blessing"

Here is the video of the reveal
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vdavG8lL9gw

2 weeks

Here is this child.

This baby.

Welcome him into your home.

Treat him like your own- 

Except when we don't want you to 

Feed him 

Clothe him 

Give him 24 hour care

Make him feel wanted and needed

Help him form attachments 

But don't get too attached

Get to know him 

And in turn love him 

Have everyone in your life become a part of his

But remember you won't have a say

You don't get to decide anything

Let him spend 7 months bonding with your family 

Let him spend 7 months perfectly settled in a schedule

Aware of his surroundings 

Old enough to know what is going on.

Then let those in charge say he doesn't need a transition. 

This virtual stranger is a relative

Wants custody

Passed a simple home study 

He is only "1 or 2" he will be confused anyway - so no transition or visitation is necessary. 

Nothing is more scary than knowing this in compassionate thought process is in control. 

So we fight for him. 

For a sense of peace in transition.

For interaction with his new placement before being ripped from us. 

2 weeks

More time than others have been given - but not near enough. 

Just the thought of how we will let him go makes me gush in tears. 

It is preparing to grieve. 

Preparing for loss 

And praying for a miracle. 

The system is corrupt

This child is a number 

A case load

A nusence to the county

Not a person.

Lesson leaned- no matter how hard you want to save a child and love them ...

They make it near impossible.

Rainbows

I will be the first to admit that we are not in control. We know that God has His plans and in His time.

  About seven weeks ago we found out some pretty incredible news. We are expecting!
 After our history you can imagine the fear that has come along with this amazing news. We have had ultrasounds at 8, 10.5 an 12 weeks and so far everything looks amazing.

 

We are hopeful and thankful that this is our rainbow baby. We never expected that we would have a new baby two weeks before Anna turns 9, but there are so many wonderful unexpected parts of our lives! 

We are so happy to be able to announce this with pictures taken by our amazing friend Tricia Hackney of Get the picture Photography. She had it all planned out and new just how to capture the amazing news of our rainbow.

Thanks so much for the prayers and please keep them coming.





 http://www.triciahackney.com/

Finding Nemo...

When Anna was a toddler we watched Finding  Nemo a few times. We have ridden the ride at Disney world and know the  characters. However, I have never realized until recently how much I connect with this movie. I was Marlin. Somedays I am still Marlin. 

In the beginning of the movie Marlin and his wife move into a new home. They are awaiting their babies and all is right with the world. Marlin is strong and self assured of his future. Then tragedy strikes. He loses his family- he loses his children. From then on he is a different "fish". His fear takes over his life. He tries to protect the child that remains with him and thinks keeping him from things will help to keep him safe. His fear of losing again controls his life- and through it control his child's life. As he loses Nemo and finds him again he also finds himself. He finds that fear doesn't have to control him. He allows himself to live again. This movie is a perfect example of how grief can control you- how fear from grief can take the joy from you. And sometimes you need to let go of your fear to find yourself again. 

There, there, there. It's ok, Daddy's here, daddy's got you. I promise I will never let anything happen to you...Nemo.

Marlin

Baby D...

I haven't really posted much regarding Baby D's case. Partly because it is so confusing and mostly because we have no answers. Foster care is a long process. Every little thing takes months. It is amazing when you don't see someone for a few weeks and they ask how things are going- will you get to keep him? Loving and caring thoughts- but so far from reality. The truth is I have friends who have had foster placements for 2 1/2 years and still don't have the permanency they want or need. The truth is Baby D could be with us for another week or another year. The same answers I had 5 months ago when he came. He does have a court date coming up next Wednesday and we appreciate all of the prayers he can get. This is the first step in a custody trial. A custody trial where he may go to a place where he was before he was placed with us. It isn't a terrible place (I will tell myself), but the scary thing about custody is the case closes. JFS can wipe their hands clean of dealing with him at all. They are no longer responsible - so they no longer check on him. He is 19 months old and yet this would be his future. How custody is permanency I don't understand. But having a file off of a desk is an answer they like at the county. 

So our biggest prayers are that the magistrate is looking out for him. We know from being in court at the last hearing that she knows his history, his family and she was happy with him having a routine and a stable life in foster care. As much as we don't want to prolong the inevitable, we also want him safe and happy. 

We understand that he may not be with us forever, but we also know how much he is thriving in our home. He knows everyone and everything around him. He is very bonded and happy. He loves Anna and Wy and with school out spends every day with them.

 It pains me to think of how a move will affect him. I know he is young and resilient - I know he won't always remember us- but I also know how happy is 

how smart he is

how he knows when it's bedtime

he knows where the candy stash is

he knows what time Daddy gets home

he knows when we turn on mama and papa's street

he knows his teacher at library school 

he knows all of the Disney movies

he knows all of his signs 

he repeats - daddy, nanny, wy- mommy - over and over until we answer 

he remembers all he has learned here 

So far

So whose to say he won't miss those things if he leaves.

There are so many unknowns in life. We have chosen to love this little man unconditionally for as long as we can. So far he has made it pretty easy. As difficult and obnoxious as his case has been he has been amazing. Funny, smart, ornery and smiley. An excellent sleeper and a crazy toddler in every sense when he is awake. 

So next week or any day you think of him please send an extra prayer up for Baby D. We want what is best for him. A future that will lead him to success and happiness- because even if he is only with us physically for awhile he will be in our hearts forever.

Happy Father's Day

The best Daddy any child could dream of

A fun, kind and happy Daddy who always has time for his kids. 

A Daddy who leads by example and works hard everyday for our family

A daddy who has his little girl wrapped around his finger

And has found a buddy and troublemaking partner in his son.

A Daddy who will always stop to snuggle 

A Daddy who loves completely 

A Daddy who will teach the things he knows and continue to learn from his kids

A Daddy who has whole heartedly helped to Father the fatherless

A Daddy who is a better man than he knew he could be. 

The man who has helped to make my dreams come true

The daddy who continues to make us happy and proud everyday.

Happy Father's Day to the best daddy anyone could ask for