Little gifts....

In the grief community we have our inner circles. 

Those we can speak our fears with and listen to without question.  

Those who understand the fear and the new form of
love that it creates.

Those who have lived a very specific part of life. 

Having had two babies with fatal birth defects the majority of the friends I have made are called - BLMs- baby loss moms.  

This group of women have shown me support,

listened when I needed it

been angry with me

and smiled with me. 

 We have seen each other through loss- through carrying to term- through Rainbows and adoption and all life brings us. 

 There are a few moms out there who have made gifts and pictures and sent them without question or payment.  Because they know how much it means to have something for our babies- especially this time of year.  

I am so excited to have been given this gift today.  By someone who is a "stranger" in my daily life, but a great friend in loss.  

Thank you so much to Amy Jo for taking the time to remember Emma and Connor and to create these beautiful gifts for our family. 

Somethings will not be tolerated...

In the past 4 1/2 years I have gotten a few looks.  People wondering if Wyatt belonged with us.  A random guest at Animal Kingdom thinking he had walked away from his family because he didn't look exactly like the rest of us.  But, I had never felt any negativity.  I had never felt hate.  Hate because he was different from us.  If anything the people in my life who may have had a small streak of life being black and white have been changed by him.   

In the year 2013 it is absolutely amazing to me that people are so ignorant.  That they not only would judge a person based on their skin- but a child.


                    Today was my first experience with Racism.

   Being a white female I have never had to deal with this.  I was raised in a house that was very open and loving.  My parents grew up in the days of steel subdivisions and different water fountains.  My mother is about as accepting as a human being can come.  I like to think I learned my tolerance of all people from her. 
          Today I found someone I will not tolerate.
                      The bigot.
                          The racist.
                              The hateful woman who pointed out my child.

I hate that I cried in public. 
I hate that I really wanted to smack her. 
I hate that I felt such anger towards a stupid old woman who wasn't worth my emotion.
I hate that the manager had to come in.
I hate that my son witnessed this. 
But even more I hate that this type of Hate still exists. 

For 2 boys I love with all of my heart to be singled out- pointed at- yelled at and lied about by a total stranger because she did not want them in a play place.  "you two- you do not need to be in here" saying they were too big, that their feet were too big (can't make this shit up), that they needed to go out and that we were terrible parents for letting them go in there.  That they were "stomping" on the other children.  Pointing at them as if they did something wrong and after I stood up for these boys and she came at me. With hate in her eyes, I realized no matter what I say it doesn't matter.  When the manager came in who is also black she treated him no better than she treated the boys. 

It was clear what her problem was.

She must have told me 5 times she was 76 years old.  That I was not as smart as her because I was too young.  That I was setting a terrible example for my kids and I needed to be a better parent.  She told me I didn't have a brain in my head - to which I walked over to her and told her I have delivered two dead babies because they didn't have brains and I would not have some old bitty speak to me that way.

I hate that it came to that.
I hate that I cried.
I hate that I corralled the boys and left.

Thankfully to be followed by the manager who apologized and a complete stranger who spoke to me and then asked to pray over me.

 Her words were perfect..she asked God to grant me the peace that passes understanding for a situation like this and a woman like I had been confronted by.  She asked for him to remind me that I am the best parent that I can be and that I make the best decisions for my children.  That He is the only one who will judge me.  She prayed that I would not let my day be ruined by this woman.
   
     The kindness of a stranger, the love of God, is still here. 

The few people who are not worth the pain, not worth the anger are those who sometimes stand out. 

I hate that the boys had to see this hate today.  

I really hope if anything they can remember the kindness of the stranger who stopped to pray over me. 

After today my eyes have been opened.  As much as I try to keep my children in safe places where they will not be treated based on the color of their skin, I realize that is impossible.  I will only be able to do what my mother has done for me.

Teach them tolerance.
Teach them the love of God. 
Let them know that our differences are what makes us who we are.  They are important and a part of us.  And I will remind them from time to time that not everyone views life this way.

I pray that as time goes on people like this woman are fewer and far between. 
Of course after we left she was parked next to us and getting in her car.  Wy said - there is her - that mean one.  She started to open her mouth.  So I looked at her and said - "You are a bigot and you are a 

racist.  There is a special place in Hell for people who would treat children the way you do"- interestingly enough she didn't deny it. I guess I wasn't telling her anything she already didn't know...

You...

I have spent so many hours
thinking of who you are
where you will come from?
when will I find you?
I have scrolled for hours
staring into the eyes
of little faces
wondering if one of them
is meant to be with us 
if one of them is you
I have spent countless hours
praying to God
asking for a sign
wanting some sort of answer
as to where we are headed.
Each time
    things don't turn out
each time
    the answer is no
I try to keep the faith
knowing that it is all in
         His time
that you are the one
meant to be with us
that you are the one
who will be with us.
Waiting what seems
like an eternity
to bring a little one home
to spend this life with our family.
Thinking last year
would have brought you home by Christmas
now I wonder if even a year later it will happen.
God and his mysterious ways
are wearing my patience thin.   
Praying
Hoping
needing to know
that the wait
is more than worth it
that something will happen
that you are out there
waiting for us too.

Black Friday

  In late November of 2008 I was pregnant with Connor. I was about 16 weeks along and the week before I had my quad screen. This is the blood test that shows if you have increased levels that could mean birth defects. I vividly remember the day the blood was drawn. I think I always knew that Connor was sick, but that was the beginning of the end of the false hope for his health. I waited for days for the results to come in. I called every morning and every afternoon, praying that I was wrong. On the night of Thanksgiving I remember staring at my mom's fridge. Right next to each other there was my 7 week ultrasound and my sister's 9 week ultrasound. I looked over and over and I began to cry. I said aloud that my baby's head was smaller than hers. They all looked at me and said I was worrying too much and that my baby would be fine. I ran to the bathroom and sat there and cried for awhile. I pulled myself together and tried to believe them and enjoy the night.

 Black Friday of 2008 was a day ingrained in my memory. T.J. decided to go golfing (even in the cold) and headed out to the course. The phone rang and I didn't recognize the number. I vaguely remember the conversation that followed: Sarah, This is Dr. Schwartz. I received your results and the baby has tested positive for Trisomy 18 and neural tube defects....this is where I stopped hearing anything. I told him I had to go. I called T.J. who had just stepped onto the 1st hole of the course. I screamed to him on the phone. They baby is going to die...this baby is going to die too. what is wrong with me....why is this happening to us. He said he would be home. Not knowing what else to do I called my mom with the same conversation. I called my good friend and neighbor and asked her to come over. I met her and my mom in the front yard and dropped to my knees and sobbed in their arms. My friend took Anna to her house for a little while, so she did not have to see me this way. T.J. and my Dad were there soon after mom and we sat and cried together. 

Of all of the days and all of the memories - good and bad- this is one that stays with me. The little memories you can playback like a movie. Black Friday has a whole different meaning here. As time goes on it gets a little less clear, but creeps back in. Thankful for the memories I have written on this blog because it helps me piece it all back together. Thankful for the memories because, happy or sad, they are what we have left of Connor. These are parts of his story, so they are a part of him. 

Adoption-

Adoption is so many things- 

Adoption is about hope

hope in the future

hope in each other

hope for Forever

Adoption is about patience

patience in the process

patience in the system

 

patience in the child

patience in the parents

Adoption is about learning

learning to let go

learning to let God

learning to have faith in others

learning to have trust

learning that you are not in control

Adoption is about trust

trusting one another

trusting in God

trusting in His plan 

trusting in yourself

Adoption is about change

changes in your family

changes in your life

changes in your children

 

changes in your relationships

changes in yourself

Adoption is about Love

love of a child

love of God

love of Family

Adoption is about Faith

faith in people

faith in this world

Faith in God

Faith that it will all work out

Faith that if it doesn't, you will find answers

Adoption is a gift

 

Adoption creates families

Adoption creates siblings

Adoption is life changing

 Adoption is

Forever

Adoption from Foster Care brings new life to those already living

both families and children.  

On National Adoption Day we stop and say Thank You as Adoption continues to help create our family.

Happy Birthday Mikey...

Today my brother, Mikey, would be 37 years old.  I have spent endless hours over the past 30 years thinking about who he would be.  About the relationship we would have.  About whether or not I would be here at all.  I have pondered over his life and his death.  After 35 years it still doesn't make sense.  After 35 years we know it isn't worth trying to make sense of. 
 

 

I have written what I know of Mikey's story before.  The story of his death.  But, today is not about death.  Today is about his life.  Mikey was born on November 19, 1976.  He was a healthy baby boy.  With a sister who liked to make trouble.  To be honest I don't know a whole lot about the little person that he was in the almost 2 years he spent on this Earth.  I have to admit this is mostly because I have made up so many memories that the real ones I have been told have faded.  

 I know that he was happy, that his sister (not me!) once took him and his stroller and ran off in a store.  I know he liked to push his little car and play a game called pass the nuts.  I know he didn't speak much, except to say "quack".  This is one of the reasons I fed Anna's rubber ducky love as a baby and why there is a duck on Emma's headstone. 

 I know that he only celebrated one birthday on Earth and that by his second he had gone to be with the Lord.  I know that he was loved and that he is loved.  That he is missed everyday.  I know that he taught my parents more in his short life about unconditional love and that he has continued to teach me. 

 He has given me the gift of a mother that understood my pain.  Of a father who is a part of my life every day- of grandparents that never miss a moment to spend with their grandkids.  He has given us the gift of being cautious when it comes to illness and in turn saved his nephew. He has given us the gift of treasuring every single moment. Tantrums, Smiles and all. 

Today on his birthday I wish I could bring my Mom and Dad a little peace.  I wish I could take the pain away.  But I know now that with the pain, goes the memories.  One of the double edged swords of grief.  To take away the pain can take away the good as well. So I will pray for peace.  I will offer hugs. I will spend time with them and I will write in his memory.  If I have learned anything from loss over the past 5 years it is that just remembering - simply acknowledging is so important.

Today and everyday I remember Mikey.   

Happy Birthday in Heaven. We love you.


A  little more of Mikey's story can be found here -
http://emmandconnorpoems.blogspot.com/2011/09/labor-day-at-our-house.html?m=0

My "memories" of Mikey can be found here-
http://emmandconnorpoems.blogspot.com/2011/09/in-my-mind.html?m=0