http://emmandconnorpoems.blogspot.com/2011/09/labor-day-at-our-house.html?m=0
Saturday, August 31, 2013
35 years
Last night I talked to my mom. This weekend marks 35 years since my brother passed away. She and my dad have lived 34 Labor Day weekends with that feeling. As much as time heals us. As much as things do get better. It is days, weekends, holidays like this that bring it all back. So today I am going to post a link to something I wrote about Mikey a few years ago. If you click on the label "Mikey" everything I have written about him will come up. I never got the chance to meet him. So this is my way of honoring him, remembering him and helping my mom, dad and sister to know he will never be forgotten.
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Grief wars-
How does it come to this
How can you feel
Like your pain is
Somehow bigger
Somehow better
That your pain
Allows you to
Say things
Do things
React to things
And mine doesn't
Time heals
It does not
Make things
Go away
Loss is loss
Pain is pain
Do not make
Excuses for yourself
And expect anything
Different from me
Loss brought us
Together
Who would have thought
It would help
Tear us apart
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Such a Proud Mommy
This morning this big guy woke up "nervous and happy" for his first day of kindergarten. Anna told him all about it as they shared McDonalds hotcakes. By the time we were ready to go he was "super excited"
Such a big girl.
Such a big boy.
Such a proud mommy
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
two big kids....
School starts tomorrow.
Somehow I have a second grader and a kindergartner already.
Somehow my babies are grown up kids in elementary school classes.
I am so excited for them. So excited for the school year. They are both in great classes, with amazing teachers in a school that I absolutely love. But, tonight I am a little sad. It has been an amazing summer. We have really gotten to enjoy each other and our time together. As much as I know they need school and that they will love it. I will miss them! I am so happy that I can be involved in the school and in the district, which brings me a little closer to them, when they are off and busy. I am looking forward to seeing them grow, meet new friends and learn new things.
I am so anxious and excited at the same time for Wyatt. It is a big deal for him. A new school, everyday - away from Mom. I am so proud of the bond that we have created over the past 3 1/2 years, but it also makes me worry he will be upset when I leave. I know that he will be fine and be over it soon, but I hate to see the look in his eyes when I am leaving. He has been left before and I never want him to feel like I am not coming back. I think once he gets used to the daily routine he will be fine. Here is to hoping he really surprises me and marches in the room tomorrow and sits happily in his seat. Either way, I know he is in excellent hands.
Who knows what this school year will bring.
I thought for sure that by the time we sent Wy off to Kindergarten we would have another little at home. That may be a little of the reason why I am feeling sad about the school year starting. This isn't the first time I have dropped my baby at school and come home to where there should have been another. This time it is much different, but the emptiness the same. So I guess I will get my house ready for our home study. Set up a few visits while the kids are at school. Clean the house a little better and put the toys in Wy's room back into the bins where they belong. I will volunteer in their classes and work my PTA butt as hard as I can. I know this year is going to be a good one.
Before bed tonight as I kissed Anna she asked me if I was excited for her to start school. I told her I am super excited and I know she is going to have an awesome year. I know they both are.
Somehow I have a second grader and a kindergartner already.
Somehow my babies are grown up kids in elementary school classes.
I am so excited for them. So excited for the school year. They are both in great classes, with amazing teachers in a school that I absolutely love. But, tonight I am a little sad. It has been an amazing summer. We have really gotten to enjoy each other and our time together. As much as I know they need school and that they will love it. I will miss them! I am so happy that I can be involved in the school and in the district, which brings me a little closer to them, when they are off and busy. I am looking forward to seeing them grow, meet new friends and learn new things.
I am so anxious and excited at the same time for Wyatt. It is a big deal for him. A new school, everyday - away from Mom. I am so proud of the bond that we have created over the past 3 1/2 years, but it also makes me worry he will be upset when I leave. I know that he will be fine and be over it soon, but I hate to see the look in his eyes when I am leaving. He has been left before and I never want him to feel like I am not coming back. I think once he gets used to the daily routine he will be fine. Here is to hoping he really surprises me and marches in the room tomorrow and sits happily in his seat. Either way, I know he is in excellent hands.
Who knows what this school year will bring.
I thought for sure that by the time we sent Wy off to Kindergarten we would have another little at home. That may be a little of the reason why I am feeling sad about the school year starting. This isn't the first time I have dropped my baby at school and come home to where there should have been another. This time it is much different, but the emptiness the same. So I guess I will get my house ready for our home study. Set up a few visits while the kids are at school. Clean the house a little better and put the toys in Wy's room back into the bins where they belong. I will volunteer in their classes and work my PTA butt as hard as I can. I know this year is going to be a good one.
Before bed tonight as I kissed Anna she asked me if I was excited for her to start school. I told her I am super excited and I know she is going to have an awesome year. I know they both are.
Sunday, July 28, 2013
A very Merry Unbirthday....
Each year when July hits I am reminded of what should have been. As time passes things do get easier, the sting does ease, the pain subsides...but it is still there. July 28- 5 years ago today was my due date with Emma. Each year I feel like I forgive myself a little more for not being strong enough to get more information, to question the doctors, to do my research. Loss sucks- no matter when - having guilt in loss sucks even more. After 5 years I feel like I have learned more from Emma than I have any of my other babies. Emma gave me strength - her loss molded me into the person I am today. So, on what should of been her birthday, as in past years, I am sharing my first ever blog post. The Emma Poems- this is a collection of poetry I wrote for Emma. Most of it was originally scribbled on scrap paper from a bench in the cemetery. Later typed out as a bit of continued therapy. Now I can look back and see how far I have come. Whether it be one year out or 50, this day will always be a day for Emma...
"Now blow the candle out, my dear
And make your wish come true
A very merry unbirthday to you"
http://emmandconnorpoems.blogspot.com/2010/06/emma-poems.html
"Now blow the candle out, my dear
And make your wish come true
A very merry unbirthday to you"
http://emmandconnorpoems.blogspot.com/2010/06/emma-poems.html
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Happy 9th Anniversary....
Nine years ago we kissed and said I do
Happy
Happy
Happy Anniversary to us...
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Worth the Wait
When we entered onto this path that is parenthood. We never thought we would be this far from where we "assumed" it would take us. We had Anna and then we would have another child- and another -and another in my mind. But, God had different plans after he blessed us with Anna.
There was a different road he sent us down that was filled with heartache and pain, but that brought us to an understanding that we weren't in control.
Then I "found" Wy by chance and looking back I know it was all
in God's plan
That is a sweet story and all- but how I wish I knew what his plan was now! This road has taken us so far off of the detour I feel like I can't even see where we are going. We went from getting Wyatt so easily to spending a year now trying to just find an adoptive placement. We came so close with Skylah, but her path in her life seems it was meant to go somewhere else as well. Since that point we have continued to look, with no avail. And now we have started back on the path we took to find Bug and to find Wy.
We are 5 classes into the coursework to be foster parents again. We are hoping to foster to adopt a little boy. As I buy all of the stuff to turn a tinker bell room into Monster's INC I realize I am once again creating a space for someone I don't know. Someone who is more than likely on this Earth with us now. In this State. In this City.
Last night as I layed in bed and said my prayers I prayed for this child.
Because I know for him to get to us - what he is going through now is awful. I think of the things Wyatt lived through. I think of the things our future son is going through.
Sometimes the paths we walk to get to where we are meant to be are not easy, but with God all things are possible.
So I will keep saying my prayers, keep redecorating my rooms, keep dragging TJ to classes and keep telling the kids what "foster" means and how we will love our "foster brother" like he is ours and pray that it ends that way. I will keep my fingers crossed and my clearance shopping from sizes 3 months to 3 years.
We have done this before and we can do it again. Because we know from experience it is all more than worth the wait in the end.
There was a different road he sent us down that was filled with heartache and pain, but that brought us to an understanding that we weren't in control.
We do not always get to make the decisions.
Sometimes we need to let go and let God.
After losing Emma and Connor and then having Bug leave, we were heartbroken.
That is a sweet story and all- but how I wish I knew what his plan was now! This road has taken us so far off of the detour I feel like I can't even see where we are going. We went from getting Wyatt so easily to spending a year now trying to just find an adoptive placement. We came so close with Skylah, but her path in her life seems it was meant to go somewhere else as well. Since that point we have continued to look, with no avail. And now we have started back on the path we took to find Bug and to find Wy.
We are 5 classes into the coursework to be foster parents again. We are hoping to foster to adopt a little boy. As I buy all of the stuff to turn a tinker bell room into Monster's INC I realize I am once again creating a space for someone I don't know. Someone who is more than likely on this Earth with us now. In this State. In this City.
Last night as I layed in bed and said my prayers I prayed for this child.
Because I know for him to get to us - what he is going through now is awful. I think of the things Wyatt lived through. I think of the things our future son is going through.
The only thing that brings me Peace is that this is all in God's plan-
so God watched Wy before we could and he is watching this boy too.
So I will keep saying my prayers, keep redecorating my rooms, keep dragging TJ to classes and keep telling the kids what "foster" means and how we will love our "foster brother" like he is ours and pray that it ends that way. I will keep my fingers crossed and my clearance shopping from sizes 3 months to 3 years.
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