Three years ago...

Three years ago this weekend, there was a huge snowfall. We had almost a foot of snow and were forced to stay inside. Three years ago this weekend, T.J. and I anxiously awaited our ultrasound the next morning. Wondering if we were having a girl or a boy, awaiting our future. Little did we know when we awoke that Monday morning our lives would forever change. Looking back it is all still so clear. I can see myself lying on that table, knowing something was wrong by the look on the techs face. Having her stare at me in shock when I asked if the baby had a brain, only to look away and leave to get my doctor. I can still hear myself shrieking. Screaming to God "No, No, No". Feel Anna lying on my chest not knowing what was wrong. This day was one of the worst days of my life and the week that followed fell in line with it. A week from today will be Emma's third birthday. It is amazing how not only a date, but a day, can bring such pain. I never got to hold my baby girl, never got to see her, to smell her, to touch her. Over the passed 3 years I have grieved. I have written about my loss, I have cried, I have spent hours at the cemetery and talking to the sky. I have told her how much I love her and kissed her ultrasound picture. I know I have healed a lot. I know I am a better person because of her. But, when the anniversary pops up, it is like you regress back to the person you were and the feelings you felt. Like time has stood still and a part of you hasn't healed at all. We are having a "Birthday Party" for Emma this year. Cake, candles and Princess plates and napkins. Anna is sure that Emma would love Princesses just like she does. Last year I struggled to buy balloons, this year I agreed with Anna. We have made it 3 years without Emma and I know she has taught me more about myself than anyone ever could. She helped me find the strength to carry Connor, the love to be a better Mom and the courage to be a friend to other grieving parents. I am so thankful that I am your Mom, Emma. I love you....