Easter thoughts...

Easter is one of those holidays that changes dates.  One year it is in March and the next year it is in April.  When you have a day in your grief that is substantial near a holiday that changes dates it takes your grief with it.  Connor was born right after Easter.  I went to the hospital the Monday following Easter Day.  So even though we are 2 weeks from his birthday, Easter is a big day in my grief season. 
Easter is about miracles and Christ rising - away from the tomb where he lay lifeless and coming back to save us all.  I can't say that I didn't wait for my Easter miracle 4 years ago.  I thought if anything - any time- any holiday - any season deserved a miracle it was Easter! But, my miracle did not come back.  He stayed with God.  It is an odd thing to think about.  How God gave his only Son- we did not have that selflessness then nor do we now.  We wanted our Connor here with us, we wanted that miracle.  But, it didn't happen.  I guess I never really expected it to happen,
but what is life
what is pregnancy
what is Easter
without hope?
Three Easters have come and gone since that day.  Since the 13th of April one day after Easter when I went to the hospital with my baby beneath my heart and a few days later left with empty arms.  My arms and my heart have been filled with such love, but days like today bring back that twinge of pain.  That flicker of grief that has worked itself into a less prominent part of my life. 
So I write
that is what I do
this is how I release that grief
this is how I share myself.
thank God I have this outlet
thank you God for your Son
If there was ever one thing that gave me peace through losing Connor it was that I knew that God felt my pain.  He had lost his Son too.  So on this Easter night I know that my babies are safe in the arms of the One who gave his own. 

10 weeks

Tonight I have a heavy heart.  One of my dear friends - the kind of friend who goes back so far you don't need to see or even talk to each other all of the time to hold them close to your heart- lost a baby.  To say I feel for her is an understatement.  I am so sad to think that someone who was already so in love with their little miracle has lost that chance.  The chance to be a mommy to this new little one and the chance to know what it is like to not worry during pregnancy.
 Miscarriage is a horrible thing.  I know at the doctor they will tell you the statistics of "how common" it is and how many pregnancies end in miscarriage  - I told my doctor well I don't give a shit about the statistics we are talking about my baby not the numbers.
  Ten weeks is a long time.  Two and a half months of planning and loving.  It is heartbreaking.  Especially when it is not just the pregnancy that took the planning, when you need to plan ahead with doctors and procedures to even get to the point of being pregnant it is so much more. 
So I will say a prayer.  I know there is hope for the future, but with that will come fear.  As we all search for our Rainbow it is not without the sadness.  Not without the camaraderie that comes along with this badge of honor.  This new pain that brings us to a bigger sense of what matters in this world.  Even when we thought we knew before.  It changes us.
Sending love and prayers and hoping that in time hearts heal.  I can say from experience that we do heal after loss.  But, in that time it is so hard to see that you will ever feel okay, feel happy again.  So I pray for patience and for understanding...and for Mommy and Mama. 

In its time...

A little more than five years ago I wrote this poem for Emma- 

I miss you
I think about you all of the time
the guilt is getting to me now
I feel bad if I am not thinking of you
I feel bad if I am not sad for a moment
I know I shouldn't
I know it is okay for me to be happy
Your sister and your daddy need me
they need me to be okay
but I feel guilty
I think of things I maybe could of done
what did I do wrong that made you so sick
should I have done something differently
I would, if I only knew
I love you
I want to go back and make things okay
but they aren't
they will never be okay
I know they will get better
I hope I will get better
if I only knew how to get there 

 


To read the raw emotions I felt at the time and to know that I have healed is in itself healing again, I had hope, I still have hope.

  But there is a certain verse that stands out to me in this poem

"but I feel guilty
I think of things I maybe could of done
what did I do wrong that made you so sick
should I have done something differently
I would, if I only knew"
 

Then today I got a letter in the mail.  It was a cc of a letter mailed to my primary care Doc from the geneticist we saw a few weeks ago.  In this letter is and I quote

"Ms. Caito was taking prenatal vitamins with Folic Acid at the time of conceptions so this was not a significant contributing factor in this family.  It appears that everything they could have done to ensure a healthy pregnancy was done."

Seems I had a prayer answered without ever needing an actual answer.  Sometimes prayers aren't unanswered you just need to wait until He is ready to tell you.

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.

Ecclesiastes 3:11 

Chase and Bailey...

Tonight we stopped over my sister's house to meet her new puppies.  They are quite adorable and crazy already! 

    

 They are 8 weeks old and you can tell have such different personalities already!

 Bailey (the white one) is ready to go and get into trouble and Chase (the brown one) would rather just lay down....

 There is a lot of cuteness that just entered this house....now on to training, sleeping, feeding, eating, walking.....

Chase

Bailey

 and lots of puppy fun....

Five Years Today

Today Emma would have been 5 years old. 

It is hard to even begin to imagine what  a little one would be like as a "big kid" when you never got to know them at all. 

We took cupcakes to the cemetery and sang happy birthday as snow so appropriately fell around us. 

Wy and I went to Toys R us and he and Anna got a present - because I thought someone should get a present today.  Mom and Dad brought us an Angel for the yard holding a little bird -

 

For some reason in the passed few years I have had a thing with birds being  my Emma and Connor.  Each time I see a bird I think of them - especially a blue bird.  -

Then tonight I walked into a friends craft show and saw 2 wooden birds - seems my Emma and Connor knew I needed a present today too. 

"D Day"

Well it is here
Somehow it has been 5 years
Somehow life
 has moved forward
We have moved forward
We have healed
we continue to heal
As much as memories fade
days like today
will never change
ears ringing with sounds
of voices on the phone
as much as it really doesn't
hurt everyday now
I miss what could have been
the same old
what should of been
5 years ago today
I was told I would not
have two daughters
grow up together
play dolls together
argue over clothes together
5 years ago
my heart
felt like it had been ripped
from my chest
today I feel better
I can feel sad
without feeling broken
I can miss my baby girl
without missing out
on my life
I know I have healed
I am proud of who I am
Because I am proud
of who she has made me 

What is meant to be will be

Life is so uncertain.  I have learned in the past 5 years that no matter what I do, I really have no control.  But, I can't help but to try and help fate along.  So as I try my best to be patient and wait for a child who is waiting for a family to come along, I search.  I didn't give up with Wy, I found him.  And although it was a long shot we were matched together and the rest is a happy history.   It has been 9 months since we updated our Home study, seems to be perfect timing for things to move along in my mind. This time I have looked, searched, researched, questioned and prayed to no avail. 
Then last night I saw a little face.  Near the same age as Wyatt was when he was placed with us.  She is available for adoption in Ohio- not near us, but at least in our State! So I contacted her worker and I have contacted our worker.  I have spent hours trying not to think about it - yeah right.  So as our worker is trying her hardest to help us have a chance there are 100 other families trying to do the same.  I guess if it is meant to be then it won't matter if there were 1000 families or just ours - because what is meant to be will be, right? I know our home study matches most of what is needed for her  = 2 parent family with a stay at home parent- that is us.  It is an odd thing when you are waiting to see if you are "good enough" or "the right choice" for a child.  I understand the process, but it is a feeling I don't like.  I wish I could have that worker come into my house and see my family.  See where her room could be and what her backyard would look like.  But, hopefully that is all in our home study.  I have faith that our workers know us well enough, I just can't help but to wonder ~
So for now as much as I try and not think about it, a little red head girl has taken a huge space in my mind.  I figure I haven't known what was going to happen so far, so why try to start now.  Here is hoping to open minds and full hearts and praying, praying. praying.

You're up God~

If twenty years from now
I see you in pain
I see you cry
holding your stomach
heart pounding
ears burning
asking Why
knowing that maybe
I could have stopped
this pain
that maybe life had sent me
sent those little ones
to help save you
from this pain
how can I know now
what can I pray for
how do I know
what I need?
will it make a difference?
could I live with myself
with not knowing?
either way
I have no control
God's hands
hold the cards
you're up God -