Tuesday, January 15, 2013

tiny Angel big impact

Today was an interesting day. Today was a solemn day.  Today God once again threw me for a loop in this life I am leading.  this morning I was privileged to be at the baby garden to pay my respects to sweet Jonah.  As I approached this place that has been a second home to my family for the past 5 years of course it all came flooding back.  The many hours I sat and cried grieving for Emma and for Connor.  The amazing "coincidence" of running into an old friend and discovering our babies were buried just a few feet from each other.  Remembering Anna as just a toddler hopping from stone to stone. Laughing to myself thinkingof Wyatt trying to pick up the toys left on the headstones. Seeing the plots fill so quickly and wondering what each baby's story was. This place is a very big part of our "normal".
Today I walked up to Jonah's casket, sitting by his 2 brothers and his sister's graves. As his four living siblings watched their Mama cry and tried to understand.  I hugged Jonah's mom and realized standing by me were mom's that I have known about, but never met.  Those that I have been inspired by and cried for, yet I didn't really "know" them.  Today we all stood at the foot of the baby garden, where our babies rest, and we came together for our friend.  For those who feel alone in grief, the baby loss mom does not have to be one.  We are proud to speak of our babies.  We will be there for one another.  We understand the pain and the importance of each little moment.  We know what it means to have someone care for our baby, to hold our baby, to love our baby, so we give the same in return.
Today I met a few women in person that I have "known" quite well online.  In the Anencephaly community I have never felt alone.  The mothers all come together and support one another.  In my small part of town, we did the same today.
I have heard stories of a baby born with Trisomy 18 from Jonah's mom.  I have prayed for this woman and her child.  I have thought of them often, today when I met her I realized that she used to be my next door neighbor.  I lived next to this woman for 4 years.  I also found out that on our tiny cul de sac another mom across the street lost a baby to Trisomy 18.  12 houses - 12 families and 4 babies lost to fatal birth defects.  The world could not get any smaller. 
I spent more time talking to this woman in 2 hours than I did in 4 years.  Now we are never going to forget one another, now we are both a part of "the club".
When God sent me on this path of loss I never felt alone.  Today I felt lucky to be in the presence of people with such faith and love.  I couldn't help but smile when I left Jonah's house this morning after the service.  As sad as I am for his mother and father, as much as it hurt to watch his siblings cry and to know they are in pain, his little life brought these women into mine.  Jonah will forever hold a place in my heart, because he helped me to not be scared to meet the people that have helped me so much.  As his parents and family grieve his loss tonight I hope it helps bring a little peace that this little man made a big impact on my life.

God Bless Sweet Jonah -

Friday, January 11, 2013

Face of an Angel

Today I had the privilege to be face to face with an angel. Sweet Jonah spent 21 weeks and 5 days in his mommy's belly. He brought joy and hope to a family that has felt loss before. Today his mother and father planned his memorial and his burial. I won't start to try and figure things out. There is no reason no rational way to sort this through in my head. My heart breaks for this family. My mind reels as I smile at his beauty and remember my babies. Knowing the importance of not only acknowledging, but accepting, loving and seeing her baby. Sometimes it is so hard to have hope. Just when you think you have healed enough that you can let your fear go, something happens. A sweet baby boy, perfect in every way, is gone. How can we keep our faith? How can we have hope when we see these things happen? When tears well up in his mothers eyes a she talks about the hope she had for him. The things they were going to do together, because this time it was going to be different. Some days I just don't know how to feel. Today I have felt a tug on my heart. I feel less than hopeful wondering what my future holds, back- to my what ifs. As I stood and held Jonah, so perfectly formed I wonder why. So many questions never answered. So many prayers, so much hope, shattered dreams. Praying for peace. Praying for answers. Praying for the family of sweet Jonah.

Friday, January 4, 2013

Conversations with Wy

Today we were driving home from school and wy looked up in the sky. He said I wish I could fly. I asked him like a bird or a plane? He said no like a Human. I laughed. He continued, like a human who has shoes with fire and I can fly up and up. Oh, I said, like a super hero; like turbo man? Yes like a superhero. So I asked him what he would do if he could fly. He said I would fly all the way up and get Austin and then I would bring him back down to Aiden. That would be a great idea Wy, he would love that. Oh the thoughts this little one has...