Sometimes it seems simple questions in life make you think about all you have been through. I had my yearly visit this morning with my OB. I walked into the office with the medical assistant and talked about my 2 kids. She sat down to ask me the normal questions and said "You have had 4 pregnancies and have 2 children?" I answered, "No, I have had 4 pregnancies and I have 1 living child". I am sure at that point she may have thought I had lost it, but she entered the information as I had said it. It got me to thinking about such a simple little thing and how life is just not so simple for Moms who have had losses.
How many children do you have? Seems simple enough right? Not for me. Every time I am asked that question I struggle with the answer. In reality I have carried 4 children in my body and I have adopted 1. 4 of the 5 are named, so they could be listed easier than explaining an early loss, but still I usually say 2. Of course I have more than 2 children. I more than anyone want to acknowledge Emma and Connor, but sometimes it is like a can of worms. I could go from a one word answer to a very long story of the past 3 years. I guess it depends on the day I am having, the person I am talking to and the situation we are in. It is very easy to see that I have 2 children. They are laughing and fighting, pulling me away from the question at hand. It is the 2 who are silent that bring me this dilemma. Am I doing them an injustice to not mention their names, not to acknowledge their short lives? I guess this is a struggle that won't go away. I know I am so lucky to have these children standing in front of me. The ones who there are no questions of, they speak for themselves. I have friends who have lost babies and they have no one to hold. Not only do their hearts and empty arms ache for the children they long for, but when they hear these questions what do they say? They are Mothers. They have carried children in their bodies and lost them, as well as a part of themselves. They, like myself, will never be the person they were before. Such simple questions like, How many children do you have? Can bring up so many thoughts. Thoughts that I would have never even pondered years ago. Now I find myself squirming with anxiety at the mere thought of answering. Sometimes I say 4, sometimes I say 2, sometimes I just smile and walk away. I guess each day will bring a new answer, because I may never know the "right" way to answer everytime.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
About 15 months ago T.J., Anna and I welcomed a baby into our home, our lives and our hearts. T.J. and I spent 3 days at the Columbus Children's NICU getting to know him and learning his meds until we were able to bring him home. In the first few weeks that he was with us we went to many appointments at children's cincinnati and spent much time snuggling, eating and getting used to being a family of 4. Our plan was to eventually adopt this wonderful little man. When we found out that he has significant medical needs that we were not able to care for we were devastated. Here we had come to love this child and he had been a part of our lives for a month. How were we supposed to make a choice to try and care for him, not knowing his life expectancy or how fragile he was, or to find a new family for him. Could we do this to ourselves just months after losing Connor and what about Anna, she had already been through so much. After much praying and many tears we decided we would wait until a good family for him was found and he would go on to a new placement. It was only a few days later I received a call from our adoption worker that they had found a placement. From the first phone call I had with his mom, Katie, I knew it was going to be okay. Within a day his new family was at our house to meet him, his sister, his Dad, his mom and he had another big brother at home. They decided to call him Aidric. The next couple of days were hard for us, knowing he would leave soon, but knowing where he was going was the best feeling. His mom is in school to be a nurse, his grandmother is a nurse and his brother has a wonderful nurse of his own! The day that Aidric went "home" was a bittersweet day for all of us. We knew that it was best for him, but we were so sad to say goodbye. Katie had said she would keep in touch, but you never know how things will end up. Lucky for us Aidric and his entire family are now a very big part of our lives. We are able to see him often and I call to check on him as well. I consider myself so lucky to have found friends in his mom and in his family's nurse, Misty. When I look back over the past couple of years, at the time I tried to figure out why all of these things were happening. Now I know, God knew what he was doing. He knew that Aidric needed the family he has and that we would find Wyatt. All of these things just fell right into place in their time. This Friday we will be at the courthouse to see Aidric's adoption finalized. I am so happy that God has laid the path for us that he has. We would have never known so many of the people we have met or been able to love the way we have. I remember throwing my hands up and saying "why" after we heard about Aidric's condition, I get it now God....all in your time.